New Years Eve... It's here! In just a few hours, a new year will be upon us. I normally take a lot longer time to reflect on one year and dream about the coming year. But this year, I didn't have that luxury.
Just yesterday, I took down my 2017 vision board and stared blankly at the bulletin board. I had nothing to come to mind as to what I wanted to accomplish in 2018. I felt tired reflecting back on what I had gone through and accomplished this year, and even more tired considering the future.
I turned to Pinterest with only a few vague concepts -- I wanted to focus on self care and quilting. And that's all I knew. And the inspiration began to grow...
It's not so much self care that I want to incorporate more, it's actually self love. Doing things out of love for myself. Learning to love myself. Treating my body and my mind and my emotions with respect. Speaking positively about myself to myself. Finding balance between completing intense workouts and slower, more mindful yoga.
Daniel and I also brainstormed some goals we wanted to reach this year. We came up with a homeowner goal: new flooring in the living areas of the house (including repairing the kitchen floor). We decided to limit our travel goals to one large trip toward the end of the year: travel to Disney World and Wizarding World of Harry Potter (culminating all holidays, anniversaries, and birthday gifts and trips into one).
It feels really good to have these goals. My 2017 vision board was actually the same as my 2016 vision board -- I didn't feel at the start of 2017 that I was done with the work I wanted to accomplish on the board. So I pretty much left it alone. It felt good to look at that board yesterday and realize that I had done the work and made the progress I'd wanted to make, that it was time to strip the board clean and come up with new vision goals.
So now that I've got the concepts, it's time to create the board to reflect the conceptual goals.
Sunday, December 31, 2017
Saturday, December 30, 2017
A December to Remember
I know I say this a lot, but it's amazing to me how much things can change with the drop of a hat. In 19 days since my last post, I feel like a lot of my life has been turned upside down, shaken, and scrambled.
In 19 days, my faith, patience, boundaries, and morals have been tested to a level I didn't think they could be.
I want to spill my heart out about everything that has happened in 19 days, but I can't. Because a large chunk of what has happened is not my story to tell. I am involved deeply in the story, but it's not mine to tell. And I struggle with that, because this is a place that I come to work through my feelings and my life.
To sum up the changes: my sister, her 18 month old son, and her 11 year old black lab are currently staying with my husband and I for the foreseeable future. We had about 2 days notice before this occurred, and those days we were working and had no time to prepare the house for our now houseguests. Then our two days off were spent in a whirlwind of moving out and moving in.
In the midst of moving her, our youngest dog attacked her dog. And we had to make the impossible and heart breaking decision to put our dog down. It was the worst night of my life. Our girl Bella was our cuddle bug. Our protector. Our shadow. Our emotional support animal. Our bed hog. She was our running encourager. She was the door greeter -- her whole body would wag when you came home, she was always so happy and excited to see you. She was such an integral part to our lives...
We took no time off of work in the middle of all this, so it was right back to work. And while we are trying to keep our own lives on track, I have been pushed and pulled in so many directions. I have been challenged in my own home. I have been disrespected in my own home. I have been ignored, excluded, and left out of plans in my own home. It's been very hard establishing boundaries and motivating life changes.
Not to mention that during this time was Christmas. As a result of everything going on, our holiday shopping and festivity attendance suffered. Daniel fell ill with the stomach flu just two days after we put Bella down. Then I came down with it a week after we put Bella down and had to miss two days of work due to vomiting and having diarrhea. The truck battery died yesterday and had to be replaced. The lock on the back door stopped working (which means we went ahead and changed out ALL the locks for the exterior doors). And we're in the middle of the coldest weather we've had yet this year.
It really truly feels like we can't win or get ahead this month.
But it would be so easy for me to focus on all the chaos and negativity around me. That's what the devil wants. He wants me to be miserable and distracted and bitter. But he won't win that battle!
Despite everything that has happened this month, I have been overwhelmed with gratitude. Gratitude to God - who has helped us through every step of this and has affirmed our choices and our decisions. Gratitude to strangers, whose little acts of kindness that might usually go un-noticed has been more than noticed, and has even brought me to tears on multiple occasions (who knew a waitress offering me a to go cup at a restaurant that never offers them could make me cry?). Gratitude for my friends, support system, and prayer warriors -- who have been with me every step of the way and have helped me by listening, praying, and advising. Gratitude for the MULTITUDE of blessings God has given me, that has put me in the position to where I can do things -- for myself and for others. Gratitude for the generosity that has been shown to us. We have secured a crib at no cost to us. We have received financial Christmas gifts that have helped ease the strain of the unexpected costs. We continue stepping out in faith and our faith continues to be rewarded. I am overwhelmed at those who exchanged gifts with us -- the gifts that were received were thoughtful, but shortly after receiving many of them, those same thoughtful gifts became lifelines (Daniel got me a Roku Stick for the master bedroom TV and the next day I fell ill with the stomach flu; and that stick provided peace, distraction, and entertainment while I was ill) (My friend gave me a gift card for yoga) (Lowes gift cards given to allow us to get new bathroom vanity lights allowed us to mostly pay for the exterior locks). I just can't stop thinking to myself how grateful I am. I can't stop thinking "I am blessed far beyond what I deserve." I can't stop giving God the glory.
There is still so much to do. So much to be figured out. So many obstacles and fences. But it feels so good to be able to say that we've made it this far.
If you're reading this, I would ask that if you pray, to please continue to pray for my immediate family. We are facing things we've never faced. And we will only be able to claim victory with God's help.
In 19 days, my faith, patience, boundaries, and morals have been tested to a level I didn't think they could be.
I want to spill my heart out about everything that has happened in 19 days, but I can't. Because a large chunk of what has happened is not my story to tell. I am involved deeply in the story, but it's not mine to tell. And I struggle with that, because this is a place that I come to work through my feelings and my life.
To sum up the changes: my sister, her 18 month old son, and her 11 year old black lab are currently staying with my husband and I for the foreseeable future. We had about 2 days notice before this occurred, and those days we were working and had no time to prepare the house for our now houseguests. Then our two days off were spent in a whirlwind of moving out and moving in.
In the midst of moving her, our youngest dog attacked her dog. And we had to make the impossible and heart breaking decision to put our dog down. It was the worst night of my life. Our girl Bella was our cuddle bug. Our protector. Our shadow. Our emotional support animal. Our bed hog. She was our running encourager. She was the door greeter -- her whole body would wag when you came home, she was always so happy and excited to see you. She was such an integral part to our lives...
We took no time off of work in the middle of all this, so it was right back to work. And while we are trying to keep our own lives on track, I have been pushed and pulled in so many directions. I have been challenged in my own home. I have been disrespected in my own home. I have been ignored, excluded, and left out of plans in my own home. It's been very hard establishing boundaries and motivating life changes.
Not to mention that during this time was Christmas. As a result of everything going on, our holiday shopping and festivity attendance suffered. Daniel fell ill with the stomach flu just two days after we put Bella down. Then I came down with it a week after we put Bella down and had to miss two days of work due to vomiting and having diarrhea. The truck battery died yesterday and had to be replaced. The lock on the back door stopped working (which means we went ahead and changed out ALL the locks for the exterior doors). And we're in the middle of the coldest weather we've had yet this year.
It really truly feels like we can't win or get ahead this month.
But it would be so easy for me to focus on all the chaos and negativity around me. That's what the devil wants. He wants me to be miserable and distracted and bitter. But he won't win that battle!
Despite everything that has happened this month, I have been overwhelmed with gratitude. Gratitude to God - who has helped us through every step of this and has affirmed our choices and our decisions. Gratitude to strangers, whose little acts of kindness that might usually go un-noticed has been more than noticed, and has even brought me to tears on multiple occasions (who knew a waitress offering me a to go cup at a restaurant that never offers them could make me cry?). Gratitude for my friends, support system, and prayer warriors -- who have been with me every step of the way and have helped me by listening, praying, and advising. Gratitude for the MULTITUDE of blessings God has given me, that has put me in the position to where I can do things -- for myself and for others. Gratitude for the generosity that has been shown to us. We have secured a crib at no cost to us. We have received financial Christmas gifts that have helped ease the strain of the unexpected costs. We continue stepping out in faith and our faith continues to be rewarded. I am overwhelmed at those who exchanged gifts with us -- the gifts that were received were thoughtful, but shortly after receiving many of them, those same thoughtful gifts became lifelines (Daniel got me a Roku Stick for the master bedroom TV and the next day I fell ill with the stomach flu; and that stick provided peace, distraction, and entertainment while I was ill) (My friend gave me a gift card for yoga) (Lowes gift cards given to allow us to get new bathroom vanity lights allowed us to mostly pay for the exterior locks). I just can't stop thinking to myself how grateful I am. I can't stop thinking "I am blessed far beyond what I deserve." I can't stop giving God the glory.
There is still so much to do. So much to be figured out. So many obstacles and fences. But it feels so good to be able to say that we've made it this far.
If you're reading this, I would ask that if you pray, to please continue to pray for my immediate family. We are facing things we've never faced. And we will only be able to claim victory with God's help.
Thursday, December 7, 2017
Food Allergies
About a month ago, I decided to send a sample of my hair for testing to see if I was intolerant/allergic to anything and to assess whether or not I had any nutritional deficiencies. At first I didn't really see the benefit of doing this test, because I'd never had any known food allergies and ate what I want.
But then I started looking around on the website for Test My Allergy: "If you suffer from headaches, bloating, stomach cramps or fatigue, diarrhea, constipation, itching skin (such as eczema) or breathing problems you may an allergic reaction to particular foods or airborne particles such as dust or pollen". Well dang, maybe I do have food allergies.
So I plucked the hair out of my head, ordered the test, and sent in the sample.
A couple of weeks later, I got my test results and I was SHOCKED.
Basically the majority of my diet I was allergic to. Wheat products (does this mean I have Celiac's disease?), Soy products, Olive products, beer, and whiskey. Well damn.
Then I read my nutritional deficiencies:
But between the food intolerances and the nutritional deficiencies, things started making sense. I've been struggling to lose weight for years now and can't seem to make any progress. And that's because when I'm eating bad, it's a ton of wheat/soy/beer/whiskey. When I'm eating "good," I'm eating guar gum, millet, olives, soy, and wheat. I've been eating food that's been making me sick this whole time. And I just thought it was normal to feel this exhausted -- I didn't even think it could be because of a nutritional deficiency.
And the crazy thing: I've been doing it for so long that I didn't even know I was sick. I just thought feeling the way I felt was normal.
Since getting these results back, I've started cutting out wheat, soy, and olive products from my diet. I've started taking a multivitamin and extra supplements to help boost my energy and my metabolism. And even after just a couple of days, I can't believe the difference already.
I feel so much better cutting out the products my body can't digest. Since making more conscious choices, I have "cheated" twice and eaten foods that used to be normal (Christmas Party spread and a sandwich at Chick Fil A) and paid heavily for those choices. I felt gross, I felt unsatisfied, and my GI system was TORE UP.
It's just crazy to me this whole thing!
So I'll probably be blogging off/on about my G-Free/Soy Free/Olive Free life. :)
But then I started looking around on the website for Test My Allergy: "If you suffer from headaches, bloating, stomach cramps or fatigue, diarrhea, constipation, itching skin (such as eczema) or breathing problems you may an allergic reaction to particular foods or airborne particles such as dust or pollen". Well dang, maybe I do have food allergies.
So I plucked the hair out of my head, ordered the test, and sent in the sample.
A couple of weeks later, I got my test results and I was SHOCKED.
Basically the majority of my diet I was allergic to. Wheat products (does this mean I have Celiac's disease?), Soy products, Olive products, beer, and whiskey. Well damn.
Then I read my nutritional deficiencies:
But between the food intolerances and the nutritional deficiencies, things started making sense. I've been struggling to lose weight for years now and can't seem to make any progress. And that's because when I'm eating bad, it's a ton of wheat/soy/beer/whiskey. When I'm eating "good," I'm eating guar gum, millet, olives, soy, and wheat. I've been eating food that's been making me sick this whole time. And I just thought it was normal to feel this exhausted -- I didn't even think it could be because of a nutritional deficiency.
And the crazy thing: I've been doing it for so long that I didn't even know I was sick. I just thought feeling the way I felt was normal.
Since getting these results back, I've started cutting out wheat, soy, and olive products from my diet. I've started taking a multivitamin and extra supplements to help boost my energy and my metabolism. And even after just a couple of days, I can't believe the difference already.
I feel so much better cutting out the products my body can't digest. Since making more conscious choices, I have "cheated" twice and eaten foods that used to be normal (Christmas Party spread and a sandwich at Chick Fil A) and paid heavily for those choices. I felt gross, I felt unsatisfied, and my GI system was TORE UP.
It's just crazy to me this whole thing!
So I'll probably be blogging off/on about my G-Free/Soy Free/Olive Free life. :)
In 2016, before my world fell apart, I decided to take a crack at selling my handmade goodies on etsy. To be honest, I didn't put enough into it because shortly after I activated everything, my personal life blew up and my etsy business just fell to the wayside.
Lately, I've become more interested in seeing if I could sell my wares successfully. I feel especially inspired after going to a craft show in Asheville NC while on vacation and seeing just what gorgeous things people can make. I'm talking jewelry that looked straight out of a jewelry store. EVERYTHING was so PERFECT. I wanted to immediately go home and work on my craft!
When I got home, reality hit me. It's hard to find time to work on my craft when I need to craft Christmas gifts! So I've been buzzing along making the gifts that I'd put off making: soup bowl cozies, wash cloths, embroidered pillow cases, embroidered felt flowers, etc. I've been up to my eyeballs in getting those worked on and I'm not even done!
So until I can really devote, I'm just going to work on beefing up my business instagram page on the down low.
Lately, I've become more interested in seeing if I could sell my wares successfully. I feel especially inspired after going to a craft show in Asheville NC while on vacation and seeing just what gorgeous things people can make. I'm talking jewelry that looked straight out of a jewelry store. EVERYTHING was so PERFECT. I wanted to immediately go home and work on my craft!
When I got home, reality hit me. It's hard to find time to work on my craft when I need to craft Christmas gifts! So I've been buzzing along making the gifts that I'd put off making: soup bowl cozies, wash cloths, embroidered pillow cases, embroidered felt flowers, etc. I've been up to my eyeballs in getting those worked on and I'm not even done!
So until I can really devote, I'm just going to work on beefing up my business instagram page on the down low.
Reno Year
As 2017 is coming closer to an end and 2018 looms ever closer, there are some BIG changes on the horizon for Daniel and I.
The first thing we've realized we have to tackle and can no longer put off is some home renovations. We will need to tackle the kitchen (flooring, replacing the stove, and possibly changing some cabinets). I want to add in built in benches to the breakfast nook, which hopefully we will be able to tackle ourselves to help cut down on labor costs. And we also need to change the flooring in the living room/dining room/hallway thanks to damage done by two adopted dogs who struggled to adjust (meaning: marking). So yeah. HUGE expenses coming up.
We've been sitting here trying to figure out how to find the money to do this. And honestly, I think it's just going to come down to us eating rice/beans, oatmeal, soups, and chilis for the next year. LoL. Back to broke!
We have some other big changes coming up next year too, but those are still very much up in the air right now. We need to tackle the renovations first!
The first thing we've realized we have to tackle and can no longer put off is some home renovations. We will need to tackle the kitchen (flooring, replacing the stove, and possibly changing some cabinets). I want to add in built in benches to the breakfast nook, which hopefully we will be able to tackle ourselves to help cut down on labor costs. And we also need to change the flooring in the living room/dining room/hallway thanks to damage done by two adopted dogs who struggled to adjust (meaning: marking). So yeah. HUGE expenses coming up.
We've been sitting here trying to figure out how to find the money to do this. And honestly, I think it's just going to come down to us eating rice/beans, oatmeal, soups, and chilis for the next year. LoL. Back to broke!
We have some other big changes coming up next year too, but those are still very much up in the air right now. We need to tackle the renovations first!
Sunday, December 3, 2017
Good for the heart
I have just returned home from three days in the mountains with three of my best friends from college -- my old roommates. This was our first trip together since graduating college 7 years ago. And only the second or third time all three of us had been able to get together since we graduated. During our trip, we kept lamenting the fact that it had taken us so long to finally have this reunion trip. But in all honesty, we had a lot of life going on that we had to sort through first.
We never really lost touch -- it's just that our communication became sporadic the more distracted we got with the then current circumstances, troubles, concerns, and path changes. We always checked in with each other, kept up with each other, and at least knew about the "big" things going on in each others lives. But in the process, we didn't get to know the women we were becoming.
When you live with people for 2-3 years, you really get to know them on a whole 'nother level. And the three of us were as thick as thieves. But 7 years of time without each other is a long time. So to take this trip together as an escape from the stresses of our current lives to reconnect and refresh our friendship and our spirits, it was pretty amazing.
Even after 7 years, we picked right back up from where we left off. Conversation was easy and went from lighthearted to serious to deepest secrets. There was no awkwardness at all -- it was as if no time had passed when it came to the love we have for each other and the deep rooted friendship between us. It was so interesting to see that even after seven years, so little of our personalities had changed. So much time but some things never change.
Simultaneously, after seven years so much about each of us has changed. One of us is a single mom. One of us is married. Two of us live at home. One of us is going back to school. All three of us have re-committed ourselves to Christ. All three of us are "old" and prefer relaxing activities and early bed times to partying and socializing with people we don't know. Two of us have found ourselves in professions we never expected to be in. One of us is still not sure where her path is leading her. One of us just quit her job and does not have another job lined up. One of us just broke up with a guy. One of us is newly in love with a guy. All three of us are still healing from the scars on our hearts put there by the men we let in.
To get to know each other afresh, after so much has changed but so much has stayed the same was simply beautiful.
I came home from that trip with a fresh and invigorated spirit. We spent our time laughing so hard we were crying. We let loose and were just plain silly. We were tumbleweeds and went with the flow. We encouraged each other; built each other up; poured out our hearts and our fears and our deepest secrets that we hadn't been able to share with each other because we'd barely seen each other in seven years. I feel so positive and joyful after those three days. My heart could not be more full or grateful.
When it comes to real friends, it doesn't matter how much time has passed -- you're able to pick right up from where you left off.
We had a wonderful trip. We saw some beautiful things, ate some delicious (albeit bad/heavy) food, went to a ton of places, got some Christmas shopping done, and even got a massage. But where we went on our trip wasn't nearly as important as the words and love we shared with each other.
I am so excited to have my girls back close to my heart again. And I can't wait for our next get together next month!
We never really lost touch -- it's just that our communication became sporadic the more distracted we got with the then current circumstances, troubles, concerns, and path changes. We always checked in with each other, kept up with each other, and at least knew about the "big" things going on in each others lives. But in the process, we didn't get to know the women we were becoming.
When you live with people for 2-3 years, you really get to know them on a whole 'nother level. And the three of us were as thick as thieves. But 7 years of time without each other is a long time. So to take this trip together as an escape from the stresses of our current lives to reconnect and refresh our friendship and our spirits, it was pretty amazing.
Even after 7 years, we picked right back up from where we left off. Conversation was easy and went from lighthearted to serious to deepest secrets. There was no awkwardness at all -- it was as if no time had passed when it came to the love we have for each other and the deep rooted friendship between us. It was so interesting to see that even after seven years, so little of our personalities had changed. So much time but some things never change.
Simultaneously, after seven years so much about each of us has changed. One of us is a single mom. One of us is married. Two of us live at home. One of us is going back to school. All three of us have re-committed ourselves to Christ. All three of us are "old" and prefer relaxing activities and early bed times to partying and socializing with people we don't know. Two of us have found ourselves in professions we never expected to be in. One of us is still not sure where her path is leading her. One of us just quit her job and does not have another job lined up. One of us just broke up with a guy. One of us is newly in love with a guy. All three of us are still healing from the scars on our hearts put there by the men we let in.
To get to know each other afresh, after so much has changed but so much has stayed the same was simply beautiful.
I came home from that trip with a fresh and invigorated spirit. We spent our time laughing so hard we were crying. We let loose and were just plain silly. We were tumbleweeds and went with the flow. We encouraged each other; built each other up; poured out our hearts and our fears and our deepest secrets that we hadn't been able to share with each other because we'd barely seen each other in seven years. I feel so positive and joyful after those three days. My heart could not be more full or grateful.
When it comes to real friends, it doesn't matter how much time has passed -- you're able to pick right up from where you left off.
We had a wonderful trip. We saw some beautiful things, ate some delicious (albeit bad/heavy) food, went to a ton of places, got some Christmas shopping done, and even got a massage. But where we went on our trip wasn't nearly as important as the words and love we shared with each other.
I am so excited to have my girls back close to my heart again. And I can't wait for our next get together next month!
Tuesday, November 28, 2017
The Holiday Season: Misery or Joy?
I'm a December baby. So the holiday season is extra exciting for me. We have a holiday centered around food and family (Thanksgiving). Followed by another holiday that is supposed to be centered around joy and hope thanks to the birth of our Savior (if you haven't read my blog, read it here: I'm Christian). There's lights, music, decorations, fireplaces, hot coco, coats and scarves, shopping for the perfect gift, gatherings and celebrations.
I suppose that it's natural that as you get older, the holiday season loses some of its sparkle. You see the holidays through glasses that highlight the realism of the holidays: each gathering requires you to bring some sort of covered dish (one that you have to choose that will please a large group of people and will mesh with what everyone else is bringing, one that you then have to remember to grocery shop for, one that you then need to prepare and display nicely), gifts (which means you are expected to spend money, and a lot of times that comes with a lot of pressure to spend lots of money, and also a lot of times "spending caps" are not established or are not followed, which means that you then have pressure to find the perfect gift for someone that doesn't look "too cheap"), and you have to dress nicely/festively (and lets be honest: this is not the time of year where you are at your thinnest, so all of your clothes suddenly feel too tight and not right for each occasion).
And that is for EACH gathering. If you're anything like me, you already have at least three Christmas parties on the calendar. Three covered dishes. Three gifts (which usually means $25 each -- which means $75 total). Three too-tight outfits.
Add in social anxiety and suddenly these Christmas parties/gatherings of friends is not so fun anymore.
Then you've got the family traditions, gatherings, and expectations.
I'm not sure what your family is like, but with us, it's mass chaos. On my husbands side, there is a gathering with all of the children/grandchildren on his paternal grandmothers side (read: covered dish, gifts for grandma - $25 minimum, and another too-tight outfit), a gathering with all the children/grandchildren on his maternal grandfathers side (read: gifts for grandparents -$25 minimum per person, another too tight outfit), a gathering with his parents (read: gifts for the parents $25 minimum per parent, gifts for my brother in law - $25, gifts for the niece - $25).
On my side, there is a gathering at my house with my sister/future brother in law/nephew, and divorced parents (which is always a lot of super fun awkwardness/tension). We have 1 spare bed. Which means someone sleeps on an air mattress in the craft room and someone sleeps on the couch. That's 6 adults, 1 child, and 2 dogs in a 1400 square foot house for a week. It's a lot for two people (my husband and I) who like our space, our quiet, our privacy, and prefer to stay away from the drama. This gathering also means that we house them, provide food for them (very large grocery bill), entertain them (praying that minute to win it games will be a hit this year), anticipate and provide for their needs, oh and gifts for everyone (and even at a measly $25 per person.... That's $125 minimum). Then another drive to my grandparents for a day visit with them ($50 for their gifts because they like gift cards).
Then you've got your long-time-friend gift exchanges. With those friends who you love and treasure and have kept up with for years. I've got 4 of them. Another $100.
Oh and the decorating? Try having a husband who hates pulling out the Christmas decorations, complains almost the entire time, and doesn't really help. See how fun and joyful that becomes...
So you can see how easy it is for me to get overwhelmed with the pressure of expectations during the holiday season... And maybe you can see how hard it can be for me to maintain the Christmas spirit and joy during the season.
At the moment of authoring this blog post, I'm more in misery over the season than I am in joy.
But as I talk myself off the ledge of misery, I remember that I've told everyone that I'm cutting back this year. Gifts will be fewer, smaller, but still thoughtful. Gifts will be mostly handmade. I'm choosing to provide paper products or veggie trays instead of elaborate finger foods (that I really do enjoy making, just not during the holiday season). And I've bought new pants that fit no matter what state of bloat I'm in, and I've got loose/flowy/comfy shirts to wear with them.
I've done all that I can to avoid the misery of the season... It is what it is and I just have to grit my teeth and survive.
I suppose that it's natural that as you get older, the holiday season loses some of its sparkle. You see the holidays through glasses that highlight the realism of the holidays: each gathering requires you to bring some sort of covered dish (one that you have to choose that will please a large group of people and will mesh with what everyone else is bringing, one that you then have to remember to grocery shop for, one that you then need to prepare and display nicely), gifts (which means you are expected to spend money, and a lot of times that comes with a lot of pressure to spend lots of money, and also a lot of times "spending caps" are not established or are not followed, which means that you then have pressure to find the perfect gift for someone that doesn't look "too cheap"), and you have to dress nicely/festively (and lets be honest: this is not the time of year where you are at your thinnest, so all of your clothes suddenly feel too tight and not right for each occasion).
And that is for EACH gathering. If you're anything like me, you already have at least three Christmas parties on the calendar. Three covered dishes. Three gifts (which usually means $25 each -- which means $75 total). Three too-tight outfits.
Add in social anxiety and suddenly these Christmas parties/gatherings of friends is not so fun anymore.
Then you've got the family traditions, gatherings, and expectations.
I'm not sure what your family is like, but with us, it's mass chaos. On my husbands side, there is a gathering with all of the children/grandchildren on his paternal grandmothers side (read: covered dish, gifts for grandma - $25 minimum, and another too-tight outfit), a gathering with all the children/grandchildren on his maternal grandfathers side (read: gifts for grandparents -$25 minimum per person, another too tight outfit), a gathering with his parents (read: gifts for the parents $25 minimum per parent, gifts for my brother in law - $25, gifts for the niece - $25).
On my side, there is a gathering at my house with my sister/future brother in law/nephew, and divorced parents (which is always a lot of super fun awkwardness/tension). We have 1 spare bed. Which means someone sleeps on an air mattress in the craft room and someone sleeps on the couch. That's 6 adults, 1 child, and 2 dogs in a 1400 square foot house for a week. It's a lot for two people (my husband and I) who like our space, our quiet, our privacy, and prefer to stay away from the drama. This gathering also means that we house them, provide food for them (very large grocery bill), entertain them (praying that minute to win it games will be a hit this year), anticipate and provide for their needs, oh and gifts for everyone (and even at a measly $25 per person.... That's $125 minimum). Then another drive to my grandparents for a day visit with them ($50 for their gifts because they like gift cards).
Then you've got your long-time-friend gift exchanges. With those friends who you love and treasure and have kept up with for years. I've got 4 of them. Another $100.
Oh and the decorating? Try having a husband who hates pulling out the Christmas decorations, complains almost the entire time, and doesn't really help. See how fun and joyful that becomes...
So you can see how easy it is for me to get overwhelmed with the pressure of expectations during the holiday season... And maybe you can see how hard it can be for me to maintain the Christmas spirit and joy during the season.
At the moment of authoring this blog post, I'm more in misery over the season than I am in joy.
But as I talk myself off the ledge of misery, I remember that I've told everyone that I'm cutting back this year. Gifts will be fewer, smaller, but still thoughtful. Gifts will be mostly handmade. I'm choosing to provide paper products or veggie trays instead of elaborate finger foods (that I really do enjoy making, just not during the holiday season). And I've bought new pants that fit no matter what state of bloat I'm in, and I've got loose/flowy/comfy shirts to wear with them.
I've done all that I can to avoid the misery of the season... It is what it is and I just have to grit my teeth and survive.
Thursday, November 16, 2017
expecting the gold treatment without giving the gold treatment
Do you ever go through periods in your life where you feel different, more distant -- from people you've been around for years, in situations that are no stranger to you, you have higher social anxiety and are just generally more awkward and uncomfortable?
I'm in one of those periods right now. I can't exactly explain it, but I just feel so awkward and uncomfortable. At work, around people I've worked with for two years now, I fall into social anxieties and fears of judgments. I suddenly don't know what to say or how to interact with people.
I kind of feel like I'm floating - from one obligation to the other. Going through the motions. Distant. Disconnected. And extremely emotional. No, I'm not pregnant. I'm doing all this reflection, reminiscing, wishing I'd done things differently in the last 10 years and taken better care of myself. I get sucked into cycles of worst case fears, what-ifs, questioning whether I'm living up to my potential, wondering if I'm a fool for some of the decisions I've made.
I wear my heart on my sleeve. And while I have developed some thicker skin, there are still too many times when that skin is thin. And the hurt is deep.
I had a wonderful upbringing. I was "brought up right" to respect others, treat others well, accept others, and help others. But I was also brought up to be a people pleaser. Being a people pleaser, a "yes woman", was the only way my mother had a positive relationship with me. Any question, challenge, personal struggle and I was told I was a devil child. And those scars have deep and lasting impacts.
As a result of being a people pleaser, I put way too much stock in what other people think of me. So when I hear that someone doesn't like me, or has complained on me, or thinks I'm lazy, etc -- it's literally soul crushing to me.
And that happened today.
What makes it worse is that although I will take responsibility for being "curt," "to the point," and "all business" to someone, they take that to be rude and then won't take responsibility for their actions.
It is what it is and I know I'm getting into my own head about it. That I really just need to let it go. I promise I'm doing that tonight as I process my emotions and my reactions.
My point is that as humans, we expect others to fit a certain mold. We demand that everyone around us treat us with extreme respect, excessive friendliness, and to honestly just not be authentic. But when someone responds in any way that doesn't fit this mold, they're termed rude, a bitch, cold, uncaring. Few people these days give the benefit of the doubt, give passes ("Maybe they're having a rough week"), or compassion. We claim to live by the golden rule "Treat others as you would have them treat you" but don't self-reflect on how we're treating others (expecting the gold treatment without giving the gold treatment).
This world is too full of offense, self-righteousness, and entitlement. There is not enough humility, compassion, or patience.
And while I work hard to be the change I wish to see - I (and everyone else on this planet) am human and am from time to time allowed to be wary, worn, tired, and to the point. That does not make me rude, uncaring, cold, or a bitch.
I'm in one of those periods right now. I can't exactly explain it, but I just feel so awkward and uncomfortable. At work, around people I've worked with for two years now, I fall into social anxieties and fears of judgments. I suddenly don't know what to say or how to interact with people.
I kind of feel like I'm floating - from one obligation to the other. Going through the motions. Distant. Disconnected. And extremely emotional. No, I'm not pregnant. I'm doing all this reflection, reminiscing, wishing I'd done things differently in the last 10 years and taken better care of myself. I get sucked into cycles of worst case fears, what-ifs, questioning whether I'm living up to my potential, wondering if I'm a fool for some of the decisions I've made.
I wear my heart on my sleeve. And while I have developed some thicker skin, there are still too many times when that skin is thin. And the hurt is deep.
I had a wonderful upbringing. I was "brought up right" to respect others, treat others well, accept others, and help others. But I was also brought up to be a people pleaser. Being a people pleaser, a "yes woman", was the only way my mother had a positive relationship with me. Any question, challenge, personal struggle and I was told I was a devil child. And those scars have deep and lasting impacts.
As a result of being a people pleaser, I put way too much stock in what other people think of me. So when I hear that someone doesn't like me, or has complained on me, or thinks I'm lazy, etc -- it's literally soul crushing to me.
And that happened today.
What makes it worse is that although I will take responsibility for being "curt," "to the point," and "all business" to someone, they take that to be rude and then won't take responsibility for their actions.
It is what it is and I know I'm getting into my own head about it. That I really just need to let it go. I promise I'm doing that tonight as I process my emotions and my reactions.
My point is that as humans, we expect others to fit a certain mold. We demand that everyone around us treat us with extreme respect, excessive friendliness, and to honestly just not be authentic. But when someone responds in any way that doesn't fit this mold, they're termed rude, a bitch, cold, uncaring. Few people these days give the benefit of the doubt, give passes ("Maybe they're having a rough week"), or compassion. We claim to live by the golden rule "Treat others as you would have them treat you" but don't self-reflect on how we're treating others (expecting the gold treatment without giving the gold treatment).
This world is too full of offense, self-righteousness, and entitlement. There is not enough humility, compassion, or patience.
And while I work hard to be the change I wish to see - I (and everyone else on this planet) am human and am from time to time allowed to be wary, worn, tired, and to the point. That does not make me rude, uncaring, cold, or a bitch.
Tuesday, October 31, 2017
Life in the shadow of 1 Peter 3 (and other verses)
I love it when I pull out my Bible, in need of God's word, and he speaks loudly through the words I study. Sometimes what he tells me is encouraging. Sometimes it's calming. Sometimes it's reproachful. And sometimes it's all three of those things in one study! And sometimes when I get started, it's hard to stop.
Tonight was one of those nights. Tonight I had some great advantages on my side: time away from the situation, an open heart, and extensive time to delve into the Word.
Human words and accusations launched at me today left me confused. Hurt. Feeling low. I felt weak. Insecure. Unsure. Had I done wrong? I thought I had done right - as God commanded me to do. But as usual, things are always more complicated than one thinks and sometimes truths of circumstances can't be discerned until after the fact.
And that's what makes it hard being a Christian. You try to do what is right. But sometimes it feels like two "rights" are fighting against each other. You're unsure of what to do or how to move forward. You don't feel like there is a way to navigate between the two stances, and you're caught - in the middle - frustrated, confused. So you pick a right. A right that is directed by God. But you feel guilt for saying no to the other right. You hurt someone by saying no to their right. But you don't know what else to do, you believe you're following God's will.
(Spoiler: two rights don't fight against each other. If it feels that way, then something isn't actually right/good.)
Later, much later, you are finally able to face the hurt that you caused. And you're also able to look back on the situation and see why you were so conflicted -- because one persons right (the right you chose as ordered by God) was clouded by his own sin, his own turmoil, his own defensiveness that was masked by anger, firmness, un-yielding-ness (totally not a word there, but whatever). At the time, that turmoil and separation from God was unknown by me. It was felt, but it wasn't understood. It hadn't been brought to light yet.
So because I chose the persons right who was clouded by his own sin, and I chose his right because God said to choose him, but I didn't know about the polluted water, does that make my choice sin? When I felt like something was wrong but couldn't figure out why?
It all starts with Ephesians 5:31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is one of many repetitions of this verse in the Bible. I believe it is repeated 5 times with some slight variations between the different books.
Then in Matthew 19:6 "So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." reiterating that no man should come between husband and wife. Sealing the sanctity and independence of the relationship between husband and wife. God basically says 'cut the umbilical cord' and be your own people. Then again in Ephesians 5:22-24 "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything."
Over and over I am instructed to place my priorities as a wife this way: God first, then husband, then my children, THEN other friends/family members.
And desiring to be a good wife, a good Christian, to cultivate a properly ordered marriage, I follow that hierarchy. So when my husband made a decision in a situation as what was right, I submitted. He felt strongly. He had no room for compromise. His foot had been put down.
I always feel uneasy in these situations. Partially because I am such an independent person, it is often difficult for me to submit to my husband. It is also hard because it is perceived as weak, old-fashioned, spineless, as if I can't think or decide for myself. But when it comes down to it, submitting to my husband is a great sign of respect, care/concern for his opinion/stance, and it is done in love.
But you see, the way that it's supposed to work is that the husband is also supposed to submit to the wife! Ephesians 5:25-30 "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body." and Ephesians 5:33 " However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."
With the women's rights movement, there has been a lot of push back against the part where wives are supposed to submit to their husbands. And I get that. For a long time, women were limited and controlled because of that verse. But right next to that verse is the converse -- where men are told to love their wives like Christ loved the church. Christ loved the church with such magnitude that he DIED for us. He sacrificed his LIFE for the church. He submitted his living time to honoring God's will. Husbands are to love their wives as themselves (remember -- the two become one flesh). Husbands are to feed and care for their wives.
So you see -- the submission is mutual. And when submission is mutual, it is not domineering. It is not controlling. It is not self-serving. The two die to selves for the better of the other. It is the most selfless act...
But here's the rub -- as humans, we are all flawed. We live in a broken, fallen world. We are susceptible and weak to temptations, distractions, emotions, cultures. So when one partner in a marriage is not right with God, is up to their eyeballs in their own sin, and have prioritized pleasures of the flesh over Godly living -- then this system of relationship has a break down. And you have conflict. Confusion. Between each other.
But if the other party doesn't know about the root of sin that has grown deep in their partner, they don't realize that the Godly marriage system is broken. But because they don't know, they continue submitting as God ordered them to do. And the sin-filled partner begins to control and manipulate the relationship and the decisions for their own benefit. It's no longer a selfless relationship but selfish relationship on the sin-filled partners side. And because it is now a selfish relationship, and one person manipulates/controls decisions, "rights" begin to war between each other.
This is what happened to us. I followed God's orders to submit to my husband and that he is the head of the household. So when my husband put his foot down, I respected his decisions. Because I believed him to be considering others and believed him to still be following Gods way of marriage.
Looking back, I can see that my husband was not right with God during this time. I can see that he was so full and obsessed with his sin, that I was not being considered, cared for, protected. He claimed it was, but even he is able to acknowledge now that it wasn't. He reacted out of his own defensiveness, selfishness, and coldness/sin instead of taking the time to listen, understand, consider, and lovingly decide.
His decision was not honoring Gods will. But the question becomes -- did I sin because I submitted to my husband? Am I just as guilty because I didn't take the time to dig deeper and discover who was rooted in sin?
I'm still very conflicted on this. Even after my extended (and spiritually beneficial) Bible study tonight. Tonight I was deep deep deep in 1 Peter chapter 3. The verse that halted me in my tracks was verses 5b-6: "For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord.You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear."
This verse captures my whole conundrum. The wives submitted to their husbands like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. Sarah habitually and without fail obeyed her husband. She did his bidding, voluntarily called him lord to honor him, she followed him from country to country, she said the words he told her to say, she wanted to please him and give him the children he desperately wanted and allowed him to sleep with another woman (a lesson to never rush God's timing. See Genesis 18 for that one...), etc. And I have been like Sarah. I've followed my husband and given up my own preference for living (choosing to stay near his family instead of living in my lovely little town or moving to the mountains). I gave up my career. I do his bidding, helping him with his chores without complaint even when he doesn't help me with mine. And I have said the words that he told me to say (submitting to his decisions) -- yet I didn't know that those words/decisions were selfish.
You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. I read so many commentaries on this verse. Trying to understand what it meant. Did it mean to do right even if it meant going against your husband and to not give into fear of arguments/strife in the marriage? Did it mean that doing right is following your husband and not giving into fear of damnation because you are doing right by honoring God by submitting to your husbands?
The commentaries didn't really clarify much for me. One commentary said that "doing right" is a mark that Christian women have become children of Sarah by faith -- meaning that "doing right" is a spiritual commitment to God as opposed to acts/behavior to others in this world. Another commentary said that imitating Sarah in her faith and obedience is what makes you one of her children. And another commentary said that "doing good" refers to behavior/acts (beneficence and hospitality) as well as obeying ones husband. One commentary discussed fear, defining it as being afraid of failing in proper respect of ones husband. Another commentary said that fear was in relating to being afraid of failing to be a Godly wife. And yet another commentary pointed out that you are to follow the lawful command of the husband -- so again, if you don't know that the command is not in God's will, what does that mean for the wife?!
Some good opinion posts on unknowing sin:
Billy Graham
Project Inspired (love the verse they used!)
1 Peter 3:6 gave me no clarity, but rather illustrated to me that this confusion existed even in Biblical times. So I continued on in my study of 1 Peter 3.
Another verse that jumped out at me was 1 Peter 3: 11
"They must turn from evil and do good;
they must seek peace and pursue it."
Verse 11 was very powerful for me. And very personal. Once my husbands wrong priorities were discovered, he turned from "evil" to "do good." He returned to God. Got right with God. He had to seek and pursue peace with me first. And now that that peace has been restored, we are beginning to work outward.
In my commentary on this verse, it said "An effective peacemaker actively pursues peace by building good relationships. Peace is a by-product of commitment. Conflicts are faced. You have to work for peace. A living relationship with God depends on right relationships with others."
This evening, one of the circumstances of the "warring rights" came up. In this instance, I was the middle man just trying to do God's will (submit to my husband). In the end, we can see and he can admit that his decision was not considerate. So tonight was a lot of working for peace from that. A lot of times, that means humility, patience, conflict. Tonight was no exception. It was an emotionally exhausting day/evening of turning from the evil, doing good, and seeking peace.
My humble pie to God has been cooked. And he continued to humble me and reproach me during my Bible study. And that's okay. That's good. I need to be reminded just how imperfect we all are and how great his grace his. I need to be reminded how much I need God in my life, and how much more I need to devote to his Word.
1 Peter 4: 2-4 " As a result, they do not live the rest of their earthly lives for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God. 3 For you have spent enough time in the past doing what pagans choose to do—living in debauchery, lust, drunkenness, orgies, carousing and detestable idolatry. 4 They are surprised that you do not join them in their reckless, wild living, and they heap abuse on you."
Again. I liked this verse for the journey our marriage has gone through. For the victory that we have claimed over my husband. For the changes that have occurred in both of us as our faith has been renewed. They are surprised (at your changed priorities/lifestyle) and they heap abuse on you.
When you change your priorities and you change how you live your life, those who don't have that same faith/relationship with God don't understand. They get mad when you aren't doing things 'their way,' when you say "no" because you have a new hierarchy (remember: God, Spouse, Children, Everyone else). This includes friends and family members. Especially with those who are used to controlling one of you, manipulating one of you, getting one of you into deeper sin, etc no longer have power over you.
I've learned that everyone outside of a marriage struggles with "the new order of things" when a man leaves his family and becomes united with his wife. No one likes being pushed further down a totem pole. They push against boundaries set to safe-guard the marriage (which is not of God -- see top of post for verse). They insert their demands, expectations, and own moral compass into a marriage that is doing their best to get back on track and follow God's will. They get impatient. They "heap abuse" because you don't do what they want.
Following God is tough. John 16:33 " I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." But I am so grateful that I get to follow God. That he loves me. That his grace is enough. That I can constantly learn and grow. That I can read His word and let it grow in me.
Tonight was one of those nights. Tonight I had some great advantages on my side: time away from the situation, an open heart, and extensive time to delve into the Word.
Human words and accusations launched at me today left me confused. Hurt. Feeling low. I felt weak. Insecure. Unsure. Had I done wrong? I thought I had done right - as God commanded me to do. But as usual, things are always more complicated than one thinks and sometimes truths of circumstances can't be discerned until after the fact.
And that's what makes it hard being a Christian. You try to do what is right. But sometimes it feels like two "rights" are fighting against each other. You're unsure of what to do or how to move forward. You don't feel like there is a way to navigate between the two stances, and you're caught - in the middle - frustrated, confused. So you pick a right. A right that is directed by God. But you feel guilt for saying no to the other right. You hurt someone by saying no to their right. But you don't know what else to do, you believe you're following God's will.
(Spoiler: two rights don't fight against each other. If it feels that way, then something isn't actually right/good.)
Later, much later, you are finally able to face the hurt that you caused. And you're also able to look back on the situation and see why you were so conflicted -- because one persons right (the right you chose as ordered by God) was clouded by his own sin, his own turmoil, his own defensiveness that was masked by anger, firmness, un-yielding-ness (totally not a word there, but whatever). At the time, that turmoil and separation from God was unknown by me. It was felt, but it wasn't understood. It hadn't been brought to light yet.
So because I chose the persons right who was clouded by his own sin, and I chose his right because God said to choose him, but I didn't know about the polluted water, does that make my choice sin? When I felt like something was wrong but couldn't figure out why?
It all starts with Ephesians 5:31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is one of many repetitions of this verse in the Bible. I believe it is repeated 5 times with some slight variations between the different books.
Then in Matthew 19:6 "So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." reiterating that no man should come between husband and wife. Sealing the sanctity and independence of the relationship between husband and wife. God basically says 'cut the umbilical cord' and be your own people. Then again in Ephesians 5:22-24 "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything."
Over and over I am instructed to place my priorities as a wife this way: God first, then husband, then my children, THEN other friends/family members.
And desiring to be a good wife, a good Christian, to cultivate a properly ordered marriage, I follow that hierarchy. So when my husband made a decision in a situation as what was right, I submitted. He felt strongly. He had no room for compromise. His foot had been put down.
I always feel uneasy in these situations. Partially because I am such an independent person, it is often difficult for me to submit to my husband. It is also hard because it is perceived as weak, old-fashioned, spineless, as if I can't think or decide for myself. But when it comes down to it, submitting to my husband is a great sign of respect, care/concern for his opinion/stance, and it is done in love.
But you see, the way that it's supposed to work is that the husband is also supposed to submit to the wife! Ephesians 5:25-30 "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body." and Ephesians 5:33 " However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."
With the women's rights movement, there has been a lot of push back against the part where wives are supposed to submit to their husbands. And I get that. For a long time, women were limited and controlled because of that verse. But right next to that verse is the converse -- where men are told to love their wives like Christ loved the church. Christ loved the church with such magnitude that he DIED for us. He sacrificed his LIFE for the church. He submitted his living time to honoring God's will. Husbands are to love their wives as themselves (remember -- the two become one flesh). Husbands are to feed and care for their wives.
So you see -- the submission is mutual. And when submission is mutual, it is not domineering. It is not controlling. It is not self-serving. The two die to selves for the better of the other. It is the most selfless act...
But here's the rub -- as humans, we are all flawed. We live in a broken, fallen world. We are susceptible and weak to temptations, distractions, emotions, cultures. So when one partner in a marriage is not right with God, is up to their eyeballs in their own sin, and have prioritized pleasures of the flesh over Godly living -- then this system of relationship has a break down. And you have conflict. Confusion. Between each other.
But if the other party doesn't know about the root of sin that has grown deep in their partner, they don't realize that the Godly marriage system is broken. But because they don't know, they continue submitting as God ordered them to do. And the sin-filled partner begins to control and manipulate the relationship and the decisions for their own benefit. It's no longer a selfless relationship but selfish relationship on the sin-filled partners side. And because it is now a selfish relationship, and one person manipulates/controls decisions, "rights" begin to war between each other.
This is what happened to us. I followed God's orders to submit to my husband and that he is the head of the household. So when my husband put his foot down, I respected his decisions. Because I believed him to be considering others and believed him to still be following Gods way of marriage.
Looking back, I can see that my husband was not right with God during this time. I can see that he was so full and obsessed with his sin, that I was not being considered, cared for, protected. He claimed it was, but even he is able to acknowledge now that it wasn't. He reacted out of his own defensiveness, selfishness, and coldness/sin instead of taking the time to listen, understand, consider, and lovingly decide.
His decision was not honoring Gods will. But the question becomes -- did I sin because I submitted to my husband? Am I just as guilty because I didn't take the time to dig deeper and discover who was rooted in sin?
I'm still very conflicted on this. Even after my extended (and spiritually beneficial) Bible study tonight. Tonight I was deep deep deep in 1 Peter chapter 3. The verse that halted me in my tracks was verses 5b-6: "For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord.You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear."
This verse captures my whole conundrum. The wives submitted to their husbands like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. Sarah habitually and without fail obeyed her husband. She did his bidding, voluntarily called him lord to honor him, she followed him from country to country, she said the words he told her to say, she wanted to please him and give him the children he desperately wanted and allowed him to sleep with another woman (a lesson to never rush God's timing. See Genesis 18 for that one...), etc. And I have been like Sarah. I've followed my husband and given up my own preference for living (choosing to stay near his family instead of living in my lovely little town or moving to the mountains). I gave up my career. I do his bidding, helping him with his chores without complaint even when he doesn't help me with mine. And I have said the words that he told me to say (submitting to his decisions) -- yet I didn't know that those words/decisions were selfish.
You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. I read so many commentaries on this verse. Trying to understand what it meant. Did it mean to do right even if it meant going against your husband and to not give into fear of arguments/strife in the marriage? Did it mean that doing right is following your husband and not giving into fear of damnation because you are doing right by honoring God by submitting to your husbands?
The commentaries didn't really clarify much for me. One commentary said that "doing right" is a mark that Christian women have become children of Sarah by faith -- meaning that "doing right" is a spiritual commitment to God as opposed to acts/behavior to others in this world. Another commentary said that imitating Sarah in her faith and obedience is what makes you one of her children. And another commentary said that "doing good" refers to behavior/acts (beneficence and hospitality) as well as obeying ones husband. One commentary discussed fear, defining it as being afraid of failing in proper respect of ones husband. Another commentary said that fear was in relating to being afraid of failing to be a Godly wife. And yet another commentary pointed out that you are to follow the lawful command of the husband -- so again, if you don't know that the command is not in God's will, what does that mean for the wife?!
Some good opinion posts on unknowing sin:
Billy Graham
Project Inspired (love the verse they used!)
1 Peter 3:6 gave me no clarity, but rather illustrated to me that this confusion existed even in Biblical times. So I continued on in my study of 1 Peter 3.
Another verse that jumped out at me was 1 Peter 3: 11
"They must turn from evil and do good;
they must seek peace and pursue it."
Verse 11 was very powerful for me. And very personal. Once my husbands wrong priorities were discovered, he turned from "evil" to "do good." He returned to God. Got right with God. He had to seek and pursue peace with me first. And now that that peace has been restored, we are beginning to work outward.
In my commentary on this verse, it said "An effective peacemaker actively pursues peace by building good relationships. Peace is a by-product of commitment. Conflicts are faced. You have to work for peace. A living relationship with God depends on right relationships with others."
This evening, one of the circumstances of the "warring rights" came up. In this instance, I was the middle man just trying to do God's will (submit to my husband). In the end, we can see and he can admit that his decision was not considerate. So tonight was a lot of working for peace from that. A lot of times, that means humility, patience, conflict. Tonight was no exception. It was an emotionally exhausting day/evening of turning from the evil, doing good, and seeking peace.
My humble pie to God has been cooked. And he continued to humble me and reproach me during my Bible study. And that's okay. That's good. I need to be reminded just how imperfect we all are and how great his grace his. I need to be reminded how much I need God in my life, and how much more I need to devote to his Word.
1 Peter 4: 2-4 " As a result, they do not live the rest of their earthly lives for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God. 3 For you have spent enough time in the past doing what pagans choose to do—living in debauchery, lust, drunkenness, orgies, carousing and detestable idolatry. 4 They are surprised that you do not join them in their reckless, wild living, and they heap abuse on you."
Again. I liked this verse for the journey our marriage has gone through. For the victory that we have claimed over my husband. For the changes that have occurred in both of us as our faith has been renewed. They are surprised (at your changed priorities/lifestyle) and they heap abuse on you.
When you change your priorities and you change how you live your life, those who don't have that same faith/relationship with God don't understand. They get mad when you aren't doing things 'their way,' when you say "no" because you have a new hierarchy (remember: God, Spouse, Children, Everyone else). This includes friends and family members. Especially with those who are used to controlling one of you, manipulating one of you, getting one of you into deeper sin, etc no longer have power over you.
I've learned that everyone outside of a marriage struggles with "the new order of things" when a man leaves his family and becomes united with his wife. No one likes being pushed further down a totem pole. They push against boundaries set to safe-guard the marriage (which is not of God -- see top of post for verse). They insert their demands, expectations, and own moral compass into a marriage that is doing their best to get back on track and follow God's will. They get impatient. They "heap abuse" because you don't do what they want.
Following God is tough. John 16:33 " I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." But I am so grateful that I get to follow God. That he loves me. That his grace is enough. That I can constantly learn and grow. That I can read His word and let it grow in me.
Thursday, October 26, 2017
30th Year of Life: Goal, Dream, Nightmare, or Fantasyland?
Soon, I will turn 30. On one hand, this doesn't bother me at all because at heart I am an 80 year old (I enjoy crocheting and quilting. I have little interest in the ways of people my age such as partying, going out, spending gobs of money, dressing to the 9's, listening to certain music, etc. I prefer staying at home. I enjoy church. I enjoy reading.). But on the other hand, it is certainly a reality check that in the blink of an eye 10 years of my life passed by.
My 20's were busy years. College. College again. Broke and working two jobs. Big Girl Job. Bought my first car. Finding Jesus. Meeting, dating, getting engaged, and marrying my husband. Uprooting my entire life because I got married. Depression. Changing careers. Buying a house. Adopting 2 dogs. Learning to quilt. Becoming an aunt, twice. Making positive progress in the relationship with my mother. Lost a bunch of weight. Gained a bunch of weight. Matured. Began to accept myself for who I was and stopped trying so hard to fit in with the 'cool kids.' Began retirement planning. Lost friends. Gained friends. Reconnected with other friends. Took little trips. Took big trips.
As you can see, it's understandable why they passed by so quickly.
But as I'm preparing mentally and emotionally to enter my 30s, I really want to do something "big" for my first year in my new decade. But I wasn't really sure what that was going to be.
Then an old friend posted about her experience running the Marine Corps Marathon. She posted pictures. Stories of successes and failures. She posted about her training. She shared the video of the race starting. And I was hooked.
So I have decided that for my 30th year of life, I am going to train for a marathon.
I run 2mi at a time right now and found the 5k I ran three weeks ago to be miserable.
I'll give you a moment to fully absorb how ridiculous my goal is....
....
....
....
....
Yeah. Ridiculous, right?
Ha. I think it is myself. Yet it's something I want to do.
I won't be able to run it on my 30th birthday, as that is in less than 2 months. But I think it's realistic to have it as a goal to meet during my 30th year of life. If it's the Marine Corps Marathon, that gives me a full year.
I have considered downgrading my goal to running a half marathon in my 30th year of life. And that might be what actually happens. But it just doesn't feel like the right goal. So I don't know.
I'm a bit terrified of this goal. Fearful it will be like so many others where I start strong and then just fade out. So I haven't given it much life to anyone. In fact, the only person I've talked to about this crazy idea is my husband. And he is, of course, totally supportive.
So we'll see. It's crazy. It's probably stupid. Likely unrealistic. But right now, it feels like a good dream to work towards.
So I'm off for my "short run" to work on speed. :)
Happy Thursday!
My 20's were busy years. College. College again. Broke and working two jobs. Big Girl Job. Bought my first car. Finding Jesus. Meeting, dating, getting engaged, and marrying my husband. Uprooting my entire life because I got married. Depression. Changing careers. Buying a house. Adopting 2 dogs. Learning to quilt. Becoming an aunt, twice. Making positive progress in the relationship with my mother. Lost a bunch of weight. Gained a bunch of weight. Matured. Began to accept myself for who I was and stopped trying so hard to fit in with the 'cool kids.' Began retirement planning. Lost friends. Gained friends. Reconnected with other friends. Took little trips. Took big trips.
As you can see, it's understandable why they passed by so quickly.
But as I'm preparing mentally and emotionally to enter my 30s, I really want to do something "big" for my first year in my new decade. But I wasn't really sure what that was going to be.
Then an old friend posted about her experience running the Marine Corps Marathon. She posted pictures. Stories of successes and failures. She posted about her training. She shared the video of the race starting. And I was hooked.
So I have decided that for my 30th year of life, I am going to train for a marathon.
I run 2mi at a time right now and found the 5k I ran three weeks ago to be miserable.
I'll give you a moment to fully absorb how ridiculous my goal is....
....
....
....
....
Yeah. Ridiculous, right?
Ha. I think it is myself. Yet it's something I want to do.
I won't be able to run it on my 30th birthday, as that is in less than 2 months. But I think it's realistic to have it as a goal to meet during my 30th year of life. If it's the Marine Corps Marathon, that gives me a full year.
I have considered downgrading my goal to running a half marathon in my 30th year of life. And that might be what actually happens. But it just doesn't feel like the right goal. So I don't know.
I'm a bit terrified of this goal. Fearful it will be like so many others where I start strong and then just fade out. So I haven't given it much life to anyone. In fact, the only person I've talked to about this crazy idea is my husband. And he is, of course, totally supportive.
So we'll see. It's crazy. It's probably stupid. Likely unrealistic. But right now, it feels like a good dream to work towards.
So I'm off for my "short run" to work on speed. :)
Happy Thursday!
As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, 2 in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. 3 All of us also lived among them at one time,gratifying the cravings of our flesh[a] and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. 4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. -- Ephesians 2: 1-5
Thursday, October 19, 2017
Coming Home
A few days away from home and I felt like a new woman. I was surrounded by extravagant examples of God's artistry. Mountain peak after mountain peak. Mist. Blue skies. Light breezes. Silence filled only with the rustling of leaves, the sound of my feet meeting and leaving the earth with each step, the sounds of my heartbeat and labored breath filling my ears as I ascended, paused, and descended mountains. I was full of possibilities. I felt like I was home - with myself. I felt comfortable. Able. Secure. I was filled over and over with gratitude for the experiences I was able to have while I was there. I kept exclaiming like a broken record "Look at how beautiful that is!" Going into resturants, I was filled with social anxiety - fearful of judgment and scorn and being dismissed. But time after time I found strangers welcoming me with a warm smile, and although it was their job to smile, make me feel welcomed, and initiate some small talk, they were genuine with it. I wasn't uptight - I was relaxed, loose, fine with the flow of whatever came and wherever we went. It was amazing. I wanted to uproot my whole life and move. I was high on the aura of the high country. I didn't want to leave.
The closer and closer I got to home, the more fragmented I felt. Not because I hate my life - because that is far from the truth. But the air here is thick - you drink it, you don't breathe it. The landscape here is flat - you walk it, you don't climb it. The people here are impatient, dismissive, and self-absorbed. There is a sense of self-importance and self-righteousness here because you don't have something huge and mighty like a mountain to humble and ground you, to remind you how small you are and how great He is.
The closer I got to home, the more my social anxiety increased. I could feel myself winding up like a spring -- my guard came back up. I feared judgement and criticisms for taking vacation when work is short staffed. I feared judgment and criticisms for my weight, appearance, etc.
I felt sensitive, weak, vulnerable, unsure, fearful, and cornered.
I felt those things about things I created in my own mind. About perceptions, assumptions, things playing off my insecurities.
I don't know how to be less sensitive.
I don't know how to care less about what other people think.
I don't know how to be strong and fearless.
I don't know how to be confident.
I don't know how to be me because I'm so busy being who other people think and expect me to be.
Vacation in the mountains is so good for my soul. During that time my heart finds its wings and FLIES. But returning home is soul crushing.
The closer and closer I got to home, the more fragmented I felt. Not because I hate my life - because that is far from the truth. But the air here is thick - you drink it, you don't breathe it. The landscape here is flat - you walk it, you don't climb it. The people here are impatient, dismissive, and self-absorbed. There is a sense of self-importance and self-righteousness here because you don't have something huge and mighty like a mountain to humble and ground you, to remind you how small you are and how great He is.
The closer I got to home, the more my social anxiety increased. I could feel myself winding up like a spring -- my guard came back up. I feared judgement and criticisms for taking vacation when work is short staffed. I feared judgment and criticisms for my weight, appearance, etc.
I felt sensitive, weak, vulnerable, unsure, fearful, and cornered.
I felt those things about things I created in my own mind. About perceptions, assumptions, things playing off my insecurities.
I don't know how to be less sensitive.
I don't know how to care less about what other people think.
I don't know how to be strong and fearless.
I don't know how to be confident.
I don't know how to be me because I'm so busy being who other people think and expect me to be.
Vacation in the mountains is so good for my soul. During that time my heart finds its wings and FLIES. But returning home is soul crushing.
Saturday, October 14, 2017
The deep drive to wander is strong right now. I need to explore. I need to travel. I need to escape.
Not because my life is bad. Far from it. My life is good. My life is balanced. My life has routine. I enjoy my job. I enjoy my hobbies. I enjoy my church. But I have never been satisfied with being stationary. I've flown wild and free, blowing like a leaf to and fro. In the height of instability in my life, I craved consistency. I craved to have roots. To be established. To have what I have now -- routine, comfort, security. But now that I have that, I find that my nomadic tendencies pulling at my heart strings. It's a deep beat that sounds from my marrow, an ancient rhythm that tells me I'm born to wander. I'm beginning to understand that my need for wandering/unpredictability/exploring this gorgeous world is a part of my identity. That I am happiest and most comfortable when I am outside, unplugged, breathing deep and appreciating what fills my eyes.
We have a mini trip coming up to the mountains, and I hope to get some quality trail and outdoor time. I hope that will satisfy the craving for a bit.
And I have another trip to the mountains planned this winter with friends. I hope that will further satisfy the craving and fulfill my need for connecting with strong women and being fed with positive relationships with girlfriends.
It's fun coming into ones own... Finding ones lines are not finite but blurry. Finding height and strength from confidence and comfort in ones identity. Wearing my own crown not out of superiority over others but rather acknowledging just how wonderfully unique and fabulous I am -- and loving other women so that they can find and wear their own crown. Because there are plenty of crowns for everyone. Realizing that life is too short to get caught up in negativity and judgment and cliques -- that being kind to others is so much easier and more fulfilling. Kindness to another when they need it the most (not necessarily when they deserve it the most) is transformative and connective. One can be strong and tough while also being sweet and kind.
But mostly I can't wait to unplug and walk with nature. Walk with God.
Monday, October 2, 2017
The Mandalay Bay Shooting
Since my huge career change almost 2 years ago, I have become extremely dedicated and proud of what I do for a living. I don't get any kudos or credit - from the public, from my co-workers, or from the public. I am the first point of contact for someone who needs help, but I'm forgotten. I am the lifeline for my agency -- I gather information, get leads before officers arrive, check for warrants/officer safety issues before officers arrive, maintain order/calm, organize responses, maintain timeline records for report use later, and am expected to know EVERYTHING about EVERY situation for immediate recall (during or after an incident).
Last night, a terrible event occurred. A mass shooting at a country concert in one of my favorite cities in America. I woke up to the news this morning. And all I could do initially was cry. Cry because that's an event that I would absolutely attend. Cry for the fear that thousands experienced. Cry for the officers who only wanted to rush in and stop the incident but had a HUGE area of containment and a HUGE number of people to sift through to get to the bad guy. Cry for my fellow dispatchers who were inundated with calls, radio traffic, confusion, and stress. Cry for my country as it continues to struggle with division, hate, and violence.
But I wanted to share a few things here.
This is a radio recording on just one of the Las Vegas channels just after the shooting. As I listened to this, my heart couldn't have swollen with more pride for those dispatchers. They had complete control. They gave information. They remained calm. They facilitated the communication between officers when one officer didn't hear another. To put it simply -- they nailed it. And I am so so so proud of them. Not to mention they inspire me. To continue to push myself to excel in my field. To be the best dispatcher I can be. To foster continued trust and relationship with my officers so they know they can trust me and that I can do the job. My officers put their lives in my hands on a daily basis, and that is not a responsibility that I take lightly.
Another thing I wanted to share were some short videos that showed the attack as it began from a concert goers viewpoint. I was so stunned at the reaction. While there were screams, from what I saw, the chaos was relataively calm. There were people yelling to protect others ("Get down!"), people laying on top of others to protect them, yelling of when it was all clear (between magazines/clips depending on the weapon used) for people to make a mad dash. There were people stripping off their clothes to bandage wounds. Carrying wounded strangers to safety and medical care. For such a chaotic situation, people responded with common sense and relative order. I am so proud of them too. That's my America.
https://bluelivesmatter.blue/mandalay-bay-terrorist-attack-video/
https://www.buzzfeed.com/laurageiser/las-vegas-shooting-photos?bffbmain&ref=bffbmain&utm_term=.yirDWo9Jq#.aeWzR2M1k
But lastly -- I just want to share my prayer that this nation will stop pointing fingers at each other and instead embrace eachother with love and acceptance. This judgment and hate has to go. This division has to go. This turmoil has to go. Turmoil is how evil wins! ("Our best weapon is turmoil." - Adolf Hitler)
Last night, a terrible event occurred. A mass shooting at a country concert in one of my favorite cities in America. I woke up to the news this morning. And all I could do initially was cry. Cry because that's an event that I would absolutely attend. Cry for the fear that thousands experienced. Cry for the officers who only wanted to rush in and stop the incident but had a HUGE area of containment and a HUGE number of people to sift through to get to the bad guy. Cry for my fellow dispatchers who were inundated with calls, radio traffic, confusion, and stress. Cry for my country as it continues to struggle with division, hate, and violence.
But I wanted to share a few things here.
This is a radio recording on just one of the Las Vegas channels just after the shooting. As I listened to this, my heart couldn't have swollen with more pride for those dispatchers. They had complete control. They gave information. They remained calm. They facilitated the communication between officers when one officer didn't hear another. To put it simply -- they nailed it. And I am so so so proud of them. Not to mention they inspire me. To continue to push myself to excel in my field. To be the best dispatcher I can be. To foster continued trust and relationship with my officers so they know they can trust me and that I can do the job. My officers put their lives in my hands on a daily basis, and that is not a responsibility that I take lightly.
Another thing I wanted to share were some short videos that showed the attack as it began from a concert goers viewpoint. I was so stunned at the reaction. While there were screams, from what I saw, the chaos was relataively calm. There were people yelling to protect others ("Get down!"), people laying on top of others to protect them, yelling of when it was all clear (between magazines/clips depending on the weapon used) for people to make a mad dash. There were people stripping off their clothes to bandage wounds. Carrying wounded strangers to safety and medical care. For such a chaotic situation, people responded with common sense and relative order. I am so proud of them too. That's my America.
https://bluelivesmatter.blue/mandalay-bay-terrorist-attack-video/
https://www.buzzfeed.com/laurageiser/las-vegas-shooting-photos?bffbmain&ref=bffbmain&utm_term=.yirDWo9Jq#.aeWzR2M1k
But lastly -- I just want to share my prayer that this nation will stop pointing fingers at each other and instead embrace eachother with love and acceptance. This judgment and hate has to go. This division has to go. This turmoil has to go. Turmoil is how evil wins! ("Our best weapon is turmoil." - Adolf Hitler)
Wednesday, September 20, 2017
"When are you going to start having kids?"
As a young couple who is relatively new in their relationship as husband and wife, there is one question that is repeatedly peppered at you: "When are you going to start having kids?"
It doesn't matter how new you are in marriage. You could be hours into this rubix cube thing called marriage and at your reception, people are asking you this. You could be a year into your marriage, with your marriage in complete shreds around your feet and people are asking you this -- as if a child would be the miracle cure to all your marital troubles. You could be three years into your marriage, having just escaped the snare of Satan's grip on your marriage, with your marriage puzzle pieces together for the first time in three years, and people are asking you this. You could be five years into your marriage and struggling with infertility that no one else knows about, yet people ask you if you're ever going to have kids. You could be ten years into your marriage, choosing not to pursue parenthood for a million reasons, and people are asking you this.
I firmly believe that the majority of the time, this subject/question is brought up not maliciously, but rather for two reasons: 1. These people don't know what else to talk to you about. 2. These people are nosy as hell.
In this age of technology, we have forgotten how to converse with each other. So we rely on "safe" topics based on the other person's "stage" of life. High schooler? Ask about college. College student? Ask about career paths. Career woman? Ask about marriage. Married? Ask about kids. Married with kids? Ask how many more kids there will be. Married with more than three kids? Ask if they know about birth control. Married without kids? Continue asking about kids even if they have conveyed no desire to have children.
There are so many things about this line of questioning that make me want to scream.
Making the choice to have a family is not one that should be taken lightly. And putting pressure on a couple who is being responsible about not rushing into children is minimizing the weight of that decision! Children are a forever choice. And for some couples, that's not something that fits them. AND THAT'S OKAY. We need to stop expecting other people to follow a path that is exactly like ours. We have no idea what is going on between that couple behind closed doors.
Maybe they've been trying for years. Maybe they've had miscarriage after miscarriage. Maybe they can't afford IVF. Maybe adoption is too expensive. Maybe they've been putting on a brave face for the world, but maybe in private their mental health makes it difficult to shower let alone care for another human being. Maybe they just realized their partner has been unfaithful. Maybe they're in marital counseling because their relationship with their spouse is unhealthy. Maybe they just don't want the responsibility of children - maybe they like their independence and freedom. Maybe they think they're not with the right partner. Maybe there is domestic abuse behind closed doors and that woman has had abortions to prevent the child from entering a world of abuse. Or maybe they wanted that child but their partner forced them to get an abortion.
For us, my mental health was unstable due to toxic work environments and demands. Then our marriage was unhealthy. Then it was shattered, and we wondered if we could put the pieces back together. Then we were in therapy. We have only just recently emerged from battle. We were battered, bruised, shaken. We need time to heal. We need time to be healthy in our relationship for the first time ever. And we need time to enjoy that health before our foundation is threatened/shook again by a child.
Children are a gift. They are a joy. But they are a big big choice. A choice that not everyone will choose. A choice that not everyone will rush towards. And children need to stop being an expectation from a relationship as well as in conversation.
The choice to have children is none of your business if you are not one of the two in the relationship. Your unsolicited advice, pressure, and judgment is inappropriate.
Furthermore, it should NEVER be used against a woman that she doesn't have children. Phrases such as "You'll understand if you ever have children," "You don't understand until you have children," "I'm a mother so I know," etc should not be used. While a mothers love is not understood until one has a child, phrases such as these minimize women who don't have children. These phrases suggest that unless you have children, you have less to contribute to society. That you are less of a woman. These phrases shut down and shut out others.
We should not be finding ways to slight others, to clamor for superiority over another woman. I'm so sick of that. We are capable of respecting each other without having this subtle, back handed fight for superiority.
I know for me personally, that these comments and questions are a sure fire fast way to get me to put a wall up between me and the person making these comments/questions. Ask me these things, make comments like that, and I'm not interested in much of what you have to say. My respect stock goes down in those who are this nosy/unoriginal/rude. And yes, this also goes for family members.
I have point blank told family members to stop asking me these questions because it's none of their business - that when we're pregnant, they'll know about it. That our timeline has no impact on their daily lives. That comments such as that are un-necessary and are a slap to my face because I'm not a mother yet. They don't like my honesty. They don't like me calling them out. But they come to respect it and my viewpoint. I remind them that I don't tell them when it's time to make major life decisions and they need to give me the same respect. I remind them that unless I bring it up, I don't really want to talk about it. Because constantly being reminded that I'm not a mother is hard for me.
At this point, the fact that I'm childless is not because of infertility, domestic abuse, etc. It's because we aren't ready. Despite the fact that I long to have a family, I recognize that we'd be rushing things and would put my marriage at risk. So constantly asking me about children or putting me down because I don't have children is another hot poker to my emotional heart. I don't need that reminder. I don't need that pain. I don't need to feel any worse about myself than I already do (hello insecurities). I don't need judgment or to be minimized.
Infertility may become an issue once we're emotionally ready for children. And if that does happen, I really don't want to hear these questions/comments/criticisms. No woman would.
So let's stop asking these questions. Let's stop making these comments. Let's stop pressuring other women into a decision. Let's stop passing judgment on women because they aren't mothers.
Let's instead invest in each other. Get to know the other person for who they are. As they are. Whether they have children or not.
It doesn't matter how new you are in marriage. You could be hours into this rubix cube thing called marriage and at your reception, people are asking you this. You could be a year into your marriage, with your marriage in complete shreds around your feet and people are asking you this -- as if a child would be the miracle cure to all your marital troubles. You could be three years into your marriage, having just escaped the snare of Satan's grip on your marriage, with your marriage puzzle pieces together for the first time in three years, and people are asking you this. You could be five years into your marriage and struggling with infertility that no one else knows about, yet people ask you if you're ever going to have kids. You could be ten years into your marriage, choosing not to pursue parenthood for a million reasons, and people are asking you this.
I firmly believe that the majority of the time, this subject/question is brought up not maliciously, but rather for two reasons: 1. These people don't know what else to talk to you about. 2. These people are nosy as hell.
In this age of technology, we have forgotten how to converse with each other. So we rely on "safe" topics based on the other person's "stage" of life. High schooler? Ask about college. College student? Ask about career paths. Career woman? Ask about marriage. Married? Ask about kids. Married with kids? Ask how many more kids there will be. Married with more than three kids? Ask if they know about birth control. Married without kids? Continue asking about kids even if they have conveyed no desire to have children.
There are so many things about this line of questioning that make me want to scream.
Making the choice to have a family is not one that should be taken lightly. And putting pressure on a couple who is being responsible about not rushing into children is minimizing the weight of that decision! Children are a forever choice. And for some couples, that's not something that fits them. AND THAT'S OKAY. We need to stop expecting other people to follow a path that is exactly like ours. We have no idea what is going on between that couple behind closed doors.
Maybe they've been trying for years. Maybe they've had miscarriage after miscarriage. Maybe they can't afford IVF. Maybe adoption is too expensive. Maybe they've been putting on a brave face for the world, but maybe in private their mental health makes it difficult to shower let alone care for another human being. Maybe they just realized their partner has been unfaithful. Maybe they're in marital counseling because their relationship with their spouse is unhealthy. Maybe they just don't want the responsibility of children - maybe they like their independence and freedom. Maybe they think they're not with the right partner. Maybe there is domestic abuse behind closed doors and that woman has had abortions to prevent the child from entering a world of abuse. Or maybe they wanted that child but their partner forced them to get an abortion.
For us, my mental health was unstable due to toxic work environments and demands. Then our marriage was unhealthy. Then it was shattered, and we wondered if we could put the pieces back together. Then we were in therapy. We have only just recently emerged from battle. We were battered, bruised, shaken. We need time to heal. We need time to be healthy in our relationship for the first time ever. And we need time to enjoy that health before our foundation is threatened/shook again by a child.
Children are a gift. They are a joy. But they are a big big choice. A choice that not everyone will choose. A choice that not everyone will rush towards. And children need to stop being an expectation from a relationship as well as in conversation.
The choice to have children is none of your business if you are not one of the two in the relationship. Your unsolicited advice, pressure, and judgment is inappropriate.
Furthermore, it should NEVER be used against a woman that she doesn't have children. Phrases such as "You'll understand if you ever have children," "You don't understand until you have children," "I'm a mother so I know," etc should not be used. While a mothers love is not understood until one has a child, phrases such as these minimize women who don't have children. These phrases suggest that unless you have children, you have less to contribute to society. That you are less of a woman. These phrases shut down and shut out others.
We should not be finding ways to slight others, to clamor for superiority over another woman. I'm so sick of that. We are capable of respecting each other without having this subtle, back handed fight for superiority.
I know for me personally, that these comments and questions are a sure fire fast way to get me to put a wall up between me and the person making these comments/questions. Ask me these things, make comments like that, and I'm not interested in much of what you have to say. My respect stock goes down in those who are this nosy/unoriginal/rude. And yes, this also goes for family members.
I have point blank told family members to stop asking me these questions because it's none of their business - that when we're pregnant, they'll know about it. That our timeline has no impact on their daily lives. That comments such as that are un-necessary and are a slap to my face because I'm not a mother yet. They don't like my honesty. They don't like me calling them out. But they come to respect it and my viewpoint. I remind them that I don't tell them when it's time to make major life decisions and they need to give me the same respect. I remind them that unless I bring it up, I don't really want to talk about it. Because constantly being reminded that I'm not a mother is hard for me.
At this point, the fact that I'm childless is not because of infertility, domestic abuse, etc. It's because we aren't ready. Despite the fact that I long to have a family, I recognize that we'd be rushing things and would put my marriage at risk. So constantly asking me about children or putting me down because I don't have children is another hot poker to my emotional heart. I don't need that reminder. I don't need that pain. I don't need to feel any worse about myself than I already do (hello insecurities). I don't need judgment or to be minimized.
Infertility may become an issue once we're emotionally ready for children. And if that does happen, I really don't want to hear these questions/comments/criticisms. No woman would.
So let's stop asking these questions. Let's stop making these comments. Let's stop pressuring other women into a decision. Let's stop passing judgment on women because they aren't mothers.
Let's instead invest in each other. Get to know the other person for who they are. As they are. Whether they have children or not.
2am
This is my favorite time of year. When it's warm outside, but there's a cool breeze. When the sun sets, the air feels crisper, fresher. You start to contemplate pants, boots, sweaters, and jackets. You begin to crave coffee, hot chocolate, hot apple cider, and crock pot meals. It only gets better from here as far as I'm concerned. The next 9 months are my favorite months of the year...
This is my favorite time of night. The whole world is still. The dogs are sleeping. The crickets are chirping. The windows are open and fresh air floats into the house, pushing the old, recycled air out. It's quiet. I'll put on a classical station on pandora on a low volume -- just enough to be barely heard noise. And I'll dive into the pool of feelings. This is when I am most reflective. When my craving to write is more than just a craving -- it's a need.
I wonder. Marvel. I am in awe.
Of the life God has given me. Of how he has worked in my life; to open doors. To shut others. To help me through struggle, fear, doubt. Of this world I get the pleasure to live in -- how marvelous is his creation!
I reflect.
On how I am choosing to spend my time. Do I need to adjust my priorities? Is there an area in which I need to be more aware? Is there an area in which I am too attentive/obsessive?
I dream.
Of where I might be going next. Of how I might be used by God in the future.
Will he finally stir me to write a book? What will it be about? Will it be fictional or will it be a testimonial?
Will he challenge me to begin speaking - sharing my testimony, sharing my struggle, sharing my triumph?
Will I stay where I am? Will I return to where I was? Will I be pulled into a totally different career?
Will I become a mother?
This is my favorite time of night. The whole world is still. The dogs are sleeping. The crickets are chirping. The windows are open and fresh air floats into the house, pushing the old, recycled air out. It's quiet. I'll put on a classical station on pandora on a low volume -- just enough to be barely heard noise. And I'll dive into the pool of feelings. This is when I am most reflective. When my craving to write is more than just a craving -- it's a need.
I wonder. Marvel. I am in awe.
Of the life God has given me. Of how he has worked in my life; to open doors. To shut others. To help me through struggle, fear, doubt. Of this world I get the pleasure to live in -- how marvelous is his creation!
I reflect.
On how I am choosing to spend my time. Do I need to adjust my priorities? Is there an area in which I need to be more aware? Is there an area in which I am too attentive/obsessive?
I dream.
Of where I might be going next. Of how I might be used by God in the future.
Will he finally stir me to write a book? What will it be about? Will it be fictional or will it be a testimonial?
Will he challenge me to begin speaking - sharing my testimony, sharing my struggle, sharing my triumph?
Will I stay where I am? Will I return to where I was? Will I be pulled into a totally different career?
Will I become a mother?
Sunday, September 10, 2017
I'm weird.
I'm such a weird person.
I like quilting, crocheting, and all sorts of craft mediums.
I like foot ball. A lot. And baseball. And curling. Curling is awesome. Probably the only Olympic Sport I could ever even consider.
I like Christian music. I also like club dance music, 90s rap, rock, and oldies.
I do not really care about TV. But I love to relax on the couch and watch it.
I love working out. I like improving my strength and proving people wrong - especially when they make conclusions about me based on my size. I like feeling like I did something good for myself. I like feeling like I accomplished something.
I also really really really like to eat. Which is why I can't lose weight. Diets are of the devil.
I love shopping. But I also really like knowing that I'm already aggressively investing for retirement, unlike most people my age. So sometimes retirement planning gets in the way of my shopping.
But I am not materialistic -- I prefer to keep my house very neat and tidy and void of knick-knacks and excessive stuff (a result of growing up in a house that had stuff EVERYWHERE).
I am at heart a hippie -- I love nature, art, and artsy fartsy things. I like hiking. I like finding quiet places where I can just sit and be in awe of this Earth.
But I hate bugs. Especially spiders. I understand their ecological role but would prefer them all be dead.
I am not afraid of hard work -- I often surprise my husband when I jump in and just get things done around the house (trimming the hedges, mowing the lawn, replacing toilet parts, lugging tree limbs to the truck with the rest of the guys). I end up doing a lot of 'manly' chores around the house only because it needs to be done and to help my husband -- and honestly, I enjoy those things.
But I will not get near spider webs that need to be cleaned. Or install blinds. Or take the time to install a long curtain rod. I am perfectly capable of lifting the very heavy objects that need lifting, but why worry about it when my husband is available?
I hate cleaning a bathroom.
But I also hate having a messy/dirty/unkept house. So I clean the bathrooms too; even though I hate it.
I am a child of God.
With a mind stuck in the gutter. It's a difficult place to be - trust me.
I want to be cute and dress cute and look cute.
But I'd rather be wearing a pair of exercise pants and oversized tshirt with a sports bra with my hair pulled back. Working at a gym was awesome - I got to wear my favorite clothes every day. And it was okay.
I want kids. Badly.
But I'm not sure I'm ready to be so self-less with my life and give up all my time and money.
Generally, I am a culmination of a crap ton of characteristics that just don't make any sense.
I like quilting, crocheting, and all sorts of craft mediums.
I like foot ball. A lot. And baseball. And curling. Curling is awesome. Probably the only Olympic Sport I could ever even consider.
I like Christian music. I also like club dance music, 90s rap, rock, and oldies.
I do not really care about TV. But I love to relax on the couch and watch it.
I love working out. I like improving my strength and proving people wrong - especially when they make conclusions about me based on my size. I like feeling like I did something good for myself. I like feeling like I accomplished something.
I also really really really like to eat. Which is why I can't lose weight. Diets are of the devil.
I love shopping. But I also really like knowing that I'm already aggressively investing for retirement, unlike most people my age. So sometimes retirement planning gets in the way of my shopping.
But I am not materialistic -- I prefer to keep my house very neat and tidy and void of knick-knacks and excessive stuff (a result of growing up in a house that had stuff EVERYWHERE).
I am at heart a hippie -- I love nature, art, and artsy fartsy things. I like hiking. I like finding quiet places where I can just sit and be in awe of this Earth.
But I hate bugs. Especially spiders. I understand their ecological role but would prefer them all be dead.
I am not afraid of hard work -- I often surprise my husband when I jump in and just get things done around the house (trimming the hedges, mowing the lawn, replacing toilet parts, lugging tree limbs to the truck with the rest of the guys). I end up doing a lot of 'manly' chores around the house only because it needs to be done and to help my husband -- and honestly, I enjoy those things.
But I will not get near spider webs that need to be cleaned. Or install blinds. Or take the time to install a long curtain rod. I am perfectly capable of lifting the very heavy objects that need lifting, but why worry about it when my husband is available?
I hate cleaning a bathroom.
But I also hate having a messy/dirty/unkept house. So I clean the bathrooms too; even though I hate it.
I am a child of God.
With a mind stuck in the gutter. It's a difficult place to be - trust me.
I want to be cute and dress cute and look cute.
But I'd rather be wearing a pair of exercise pants and oversized tshirt with a sports bra with my hair pulled back. Working at a gym was awesome - I got to wear my favorite clothes every day. And it was okay.
I want kids. Badly.
But I'm not sure I'm ready to be so self-less with my life and give up all my time and money.
Generally, I am a culmination of a crap ton of characteristics that just don't make any sense.
Friday, August 25, 2017
Fat to Fit: A Trainers Effect
So about two years ago, shortly after we bought our house, we joined a nearby gym. It was a satellite location that they put in a strip mall, but I liked that it was smaller -- I felt less intimidated. I'd gone through a really rough year - getting married was not what I'd expected it to be and I'd fallen into a deep depression - and as a result had gained a bunch of weight. I suddenly found myself a "fat girl," which was really hard to realize considering I used to be the "fit girl" who ran 3 miles 3-5 times a week, taught boot camp classes, enjoyed yoga, and ate very healthy.
But going from fit to fat shook me to my very core. It changed everything about me - my self confidence, my endurance, my strength, my faith, and even confidence in my education about health and wellness. As a "fat girl" for the second time around (I'd "beat it" once in college thanks to a nasty break up and anxiety driven anorexic behavior patterns), I didn't know where to start.
So my husband said: "Just go. Just start. Just do what you can."
So I did. I went and got on the elliptical. I stuck to that for a while. Then I played around with body weight exercises. I had no real direction. No real plan. I tried the Body Building .com app that made the plans for me, but I didn't like how slow those workouts went. I tried pinterest workouts, but didn't feel like I was balancing the muscle groups properly. Then a co-worker encouraged me to try the only group fitness class they offered at the satellite location -- a 30min high intensity boot camp class.
I showed up having no idea what to expect. But as a former trainer, I knew that there were plenty of modifications that could be given for ANY exercise and that as someone who was severely out of shape, my game plan was to simply do what I could and rest when I needed to.
I didn't know that the class would be outside. It was well into the 90's that day with heavy humidity. I didn't know that we'd run laps around the entire shopping strip - which was humiliating as I could barely run 300 feet at a time. I didn't know that we would be doing bear crawls up/down hills. I didn't know that we'd be doing a workout that required everyone to complete each task before being able to move on to the next task -- and that I was always the one holding the class up, that everyone would be standing around staring at me waiting for me to finish, because I wasn't allowed to "cut short" any reps.
I was surrounded by people who had been doing these workouts for months/years. They were used to it. The trainer offered no modifications and when I created a modification for myself I was singled out and humiliated again - I was told to return to the "full" exercise (to stop modifying), when I stopped for a moment to take a breath I was told that I could rest at the end of the workout (self initiated rest breaks were not allowed). That was the first time in my life that I legitimately thought I was going to pass out. The participants taking the class (that had been doing it for a while) laughed and joked "Oh yeah; I remember my first class." The trainer made continuous comments about why it's so important to make healthy eating choices (directing them at me, the fat girl). At one point I sat on a curb, dizzy with heat and exhaustion and dehydration (I literally couldn't see - portions of my vision had gone black), nearly about to puke, sweat pouring down my face, and I just started to silently cry. And there comes the trainer, squatting down in front of me: "Feeling like that sucks. But this is why you should never let yourself go."
I wanted to quit. Walk out. Crawl under a rock and die. But the humiliation was so extreme I felt like that wasn't an option.
I had stepped out on a limb, desperate for help and direction in my journey towards losing the weight and regaining back everything I had lost. And instead of being treated with kindness and respect -- because lets face it, it takes IMMENSE bravery as a fat girl to sign up for a boot camp class -- I was treated like dirt. I was talked down to. I was made fun of. I was given no mercy or encouragement at all. I was bullied. I was made to feel worthless, unimportant, and like a failure.
As a former trainer, I knew that everything this girl was doing and saying was wrong. But as a fat girl who had lost all of her confidence, what was done and said to me cut me deeply. I left that workout broken. I left that workout believing that there was no point in me even trying to be better or get better.
It's been two years. Yet even now there are times when that workout comes back to me vividly. I return to feeling broken, worthless, like a failure, pointless. It renders me to tears every time that workout comes back to me.
Every time I walk into that gym, I still feel like I'm inadequate. That I shouldn't be taking up space and air there. And to this day I'm too scared to try a boot camp class. I'll sign up for a HIIT class. But I won't sign up for a boot camp class.
Since then, I accidentally took a Zumba class by that same trainer at another location. She remembered me. And in the mic, in front of the whole class, she recalled that boot camp class: "Oh, you're the one that cried, aren't you?" I wanted to yell at her -- "Yes. And you're the trainer that doesn't care - who is not good at their job, who doesn't recognize when limits are reached, and who believes that bullying someone is good for them." But I didn't. I was mortified in front of another class for being identified as the crier. So I just nodded and was nothing but miserable during that class too.
I recall this story because I think trainers forget just how influential they are. That it only takes one bad trainer to forever scar a client against trainers/classes/fitness. That one class with experiences like that does NOT inspire a fat girl to be better. In fact, it sets her back. WAY back. I'm still fat two years later. I struggle even more with feelings of inadequacy and failure and worth. The emotional damage that can be done is real.
Trainers should not treat their unfit clients like dirt. It takes more courage as an unfit person to not just go to the gym but to SIGN UP FOR A CLASS than it does a fit person. The unfit person is where you as a trainer have the PERFECT OPPORTUNITY to HELP someone in NEED. The fit people are easy to train -- they can take anything. But it's the unfit people who need you the most, who need your guidance, your encouragement, your appropriate tough love. It's the unfit people who are the toughest because they're there, willing to accept your direction and advice. But that does not give you the right to demean or diminish them. There is a difference between challenging someone/showing someone that they can do more than they think they can and bullying/demeaning them.
I have taken other classes from other trainers and had wonderful experiences. But that one horrible (and first) experience as a fat girl continues to haunt me. It continues to make me second guess and often just not sign up for classes that I know I need. It continues to plague me with feelings of failure and inferiority and unworthiness. It only takes one trainer, one nightmare workout, to do serious damage. I plead to the trainers out there: don't be that one.
But going from fit to fat shook me to my very core. It changed everything about me - my self confidence, my endurance, my strength, my faith, and even confidence in my education about health and wellness. As a "fat girl" for the second time around (I'd "beat it" once in college thanks to a nasty break up and anxiety driven anorexic behavior patterns), I didn't know where to start.
So my husband said: "Just go. Just start. Just do what you can."
So I did. I went and got on the elliptical. I stuck to that for a while. Then I played around with body weight exercises. I had no real direction. No real plan. I tried the Body Building .com app that made the plans for me, but I didn't like how slow those workouts went. I tried pinterest workouts, but didn't feel like I was balancing the muscle groups properly. Then a co-worker encouraged me to try the only group fitness class they offered at the satellite location -- a 30min high intensity boot camp class.
I showed up having no idea what to expect. But as a former trainer, I knew that there were plenty of modifications that could be given for ANY exercise and that as someone who was severely out of shape, my game plan was to simply do what I could and rest when I needed to.
I didn't know that the class would be outside. It was well into the 90's that day with heavy humidity. I didn't know that we'd run laps around the entire shopping strip - which was humiliating as I could barely run 300 feet at a time. I didn't know that we would be doing bear crawls up/down hills. I didn't know that we'd be doing a workout that required everyone to complete each task before being able to move on to the next task -- and that I was always the one holding the class up, that everyone would be standing around staring at me waiting for me to finish, because I wasn't allowed to "cut short" any reps.
I was surrounded by people who had been doing these workouts for months/years. They were used to it. The trainer offered no modifications and when I created a modification for myself I was singled out and humiliated again - I was told to return to the "full" exercise (to stop modifying), when I stopped for a moment to take a breath I was told that I could rest at the end of the workout (self initiated rest breaks were not allowed). That was the first time in my life that I legitimately thought I was going to pass out. The participants taking the class (that had been doing it for a while) laughed and joked "Oh yeah; I remember my first class." The trainer made continuous comments about why it's so important to make healthy eating choices (directing them at me, the fat girl). At one point I sat on a curb, dizzy with heat and exhaustion and dehydration (I literally couldn't see - portions of my vision had gone black), nearly about to puke, sweat pouring down my face, and I just started to silently cry. And there comes the trainer, squatting down in front of me: "Feeling like that sucks. But this is why you should never let yourself go."
I wanted to quit. Walk out. Crawl under a rock and die. But the humiliation was so extreme I felt like that wasn't an option.
I had stepped out on a limb, desperate for help and direction in my journey towards losing the weight and regaining back everything I had lost. And instead of being treated with kindness and respect -- because lets face it, it takes IMMENSE bravery as a fat girl to sign up for a boot camp class -- I was treated like dirt. I was talked down to. I was made fun of. I was given no mercy or encouragement at all. I was bullied. I was made to feel worthless, unimportant, and like a failure.
As a former trainer, I knew that everything this girl was doing and saying was wrong. But as a fat girl who had lost all of her confidence, what was done and said to me cut me deeply. I left that workout broken. I left that workout believing that there was no point in me even trying to be better or get better.
It's been two years. Yet even now there are times when that workout comes back to me vividly. I return to feeling broken, worthless, like a failure, pointless. It renders me to tears every time that workout comes back to me.
Every time I walk into that gym, I still feel like I'm inadequate. That I shouldn't be taking up space and air there. And to this day I'm too scared to try a boot camp class. I'll sign up for a HIIT class. But I won't sign up for a boot camp class.
Since then, I accidentally took a Zumba class by that same trainer at another location. She remembered me. And in the mic, in front of the whole class, she recalled that boot camp class: "Oh, you're the one that cried, aren't you?" I wanted to yell at her -- "Yes. And you're the trainer that doesn't care - who is not good at their job, who doesn't recognize when limits are reached, and who believes that bullying someone is good for them." But I didn't. I was mortified in front of another class for being identified as the crier. So I just nodded and was nothing but miserable during that class too.
I recall this story because I think trainers forget just how influential they are. That it only takes one bad trainer to forever scar a client against trainers/classes/fitness. That one class with experiences like that does NOT inspire a fat girl to be better. In fact, it sets her back. WAY back. I'm still fat two years later. I struggle even more with feelings of inadequacy and failure and worth. The emotional damage that can be done is real.
Trainers should not treat their unfit clients like dirt. It takes more courage as an unfit person to not just go to the gym but to SIGN UP FOR A CLASS than it does a fit person. The unfit person is where you as a trainer have the PERFECT OPPORTUNITY to HELP someone in NEED. The fit people are easy to train -- they can take anything. But it's the unfit people who need you the most, who need your guidance, your encouragement, your appropriate tough love. It's the unfit people who are the toughest because they're there, willing to accept your direction and advice. But that does not give you the right to demean or diminish them. There is a difference between challenging someone/showing someone that they can do more than they think they can and bullying/demeaning them.
I have taken other classes from other trainers and had wonderful experiences. But that one horrible (and first) experience as a fat girl continues to haunt me. It continues to make me second guess and often just not sign up for classes that I know I need. It continues to plague me with feelings of failure and inferiority and unworthiness. It only takes one trainer, one nightmare workout, to do serious damage. I plead to the trainers out there: don't be that one.
Saturday, July 29, 2017
I have had a lot on my mind these last few days. A LOT.
I've been at my current job now for a year and a half. I love love love what I do. I haven't worked at the hospital now in several months -- the two schedules just haven't been lining up for me to do so. And the last week or so, I've received lots of text messages asking if I can work at the hospital on certain days. And my reaction to those text messages is very telling...
When I think about working at the hospital, I do not react positively. I am filled with complete and total dread. I don't want to go and work there at all. I dread the pressure. I dread the stress. I dread the negativity. I dread that because of the pressure and stress, that I will be drenched in sweat by the end of the day. I dread criticisms. I dread not doing a good enough job. I dread the drive. I dread the relentless nature of that place. I always feel like I've been chewed up and spat back out by the end of the day.
If I were to stop working there, that reaction would be removed. I would not have to worry about it. But if I stop working there, then I would not have an opportunity to continue practicing. To keep my skills at least moderately sharp. I can maintain my licensure without working, but if I were to need to go back to that profession at any time, would that make me a less interesting candidate? And if I stopped working at the hospital, I don't know of many places that would want to hire someone that only wants to work 1-2 days a month.
I don't want to give up my PTA license or that "back up plan." I worked too hard to earn it. But I also don't think I want to continue working at the hospital. I just don't know what to do...
I've been at my current job now for a year and a half. I love love love what I do. I haven't worked at the hospital now in several months -- the two schedules just haven't been lining up for me to do so. And the last week or so, I've received lots of text messages asking if I can work at the hospital on certain days. And my reaction to those text messages is very telling...
When I think about working at the hospital, I do not react positively. I am filled with complete and total dread. I don't want to go and work there at all. I dread the pressure. I dread the stress. I dread the negativity. I dread that because of the pressure and stress, that I will be drenched in sweat by the end of the day. I dread criticisms. I dread not doing a good enough job. I dread the drive. I dread the relentless nature of that place. I always feel like I've been chewed up and spat back out by the end of the day.
If I were to stop working there, that reaction would be removed. I would not have to worry about it. But if I stop working there, then I would not have an opportunity to continue practicing. To keep my skills at least moderately sharp. I can maintain my licensure without working, but if I were to need to go back to that profession at any time, would that make me a less interesting candidate? And if I stopped working at the hospital, I don't know of many places that would want to hire someone that only wants to work 1-2 days a month.
I don't want to give up my PTA license or that "back up plan." I worked too hard to earn it. But I also don't think I want to continue working at the hospital. I just don't know what to do...
Friday, July 28, 2017
Matthew 3: Bible Study with Reflections
These are my personal reflections and thoughts as I study the Bible. They are not doctrine. They are not God's word but rather my reactions and thoughts after reading God's word. They are shared here only because it's easy for me to type them. They are my most personal and intimate thoughts because they are my thoughts on my faith. They represent learning and growing with God. I share them to be transparent about my faith -- where it's strong, where it's weak, where I find fault with modern American Christianity, where I believe I can be better, where I believe the Church can be better. They reflect confusion at times, frustration at times, anger at times -- particularly when certain verses are used to malign people from God. But they also reflect my love for God, my gratitude for Jesus, and my desire to be God's Girl in how HE (not in how any preacher or other follower or the world) call me to live and think and treat others and to approach life --- with Love, Respect, Kindness, Patience, and with Joy.
Verse 5: People from Jerusalem and from all of Judea and all over the Jordan Valley went out to see and hear John.
My initial thought to this verse was "Oh man! The original mega preacher. The original Joel Osteen." Which of course just made me giggle.
Verse 8-9: Prove by the way you live that you have repented of your sins and turned to God. Don’t just say to each other, ‘We’re safe, for we are descendants of Abraham.’ That means nothing, for I tell you, God can create children of Abraham from these very stones.
Here, John the Baptist was speaking to the Pharisees and Sadducees who were watching his sermons and baptisms as if they were a spectacle, a joke, entertainment. They did not treat these baptisms and conversions with the great respect that they deserved. These people who were being baptized were confessing their sins and turning their backs on their old ways, turning back to God and using their baptism as a reflection of being washed clean and starting anew. But the Pharisees and Sadducees mocked these baptisms -- looking down their noses at the "peasants" because they believed themselves better, holier, untouchable because of their ancestry and positions. But John the Baptist retorted to their mockery with this verse. Reminding us that birthright does not guarantee salvation. How we live our lives is a testament to our beliefs, our faith. Their lack of love towards their neighbor, their greed, their meanness -- those are not characteristics of someone living for God.
Verse 10: Even now the ax of God’s judgment is poised, ready to sever the roots of the trees. Yes, every tree that does not produce good fruit will be chopped down and thrown into the fire.
"produce good fruit" has regularly been interpreted as converting people to the Christian faith. That interpretation I think has created this pressure that if we don't convert people, then we're doomed. Too many people take that pressure and it just takes over. They become pushy, unreasonable, "my way or the highway." You can't talk to those people who believe that their only purpose in life is to convert as many people as they can to Jesus' kingdom. They are a brick wall, blind to other peoples opinions, struggles, fears, concerns, points of view. They can't relate to people who struggle -- struggle doesn't compute in their brains because they believe that as long as you are in Gods Will, that everything will be fine. And if everything isn't fine, then that is because you are not in God's Will and are thus in Rebellion against God. It's the most frustrating, closed off version of a Christian that exists. They believe in grace only for those who are good. They are the modern Pharisee and Sadducee.
But I think that "produce good fruit" is not just about winning people to Jesus. I think it's about living honestly, being kind, being patient, being understanding, being generous, being helpful to others, loving others. Good fruit in my opinion is referring to the fruit of the spirit spoken about in Galatians 5:22-23: But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
Yes, "winning" converts to Christ is good and wonderful. But that is not the only good fruit! Good fruit is embodying the fruits of the spirit -- living your life according to those fruits of the spirit. And I truly believe that when you live the way that Christ actually wanted you to live (The greatest of these is love), then you "win" converts to Christ by your example. Witnessing and working to convert people should not be what modern Christianity teaches -- hellfire, brimstone, "convert or go too hell." Witnessing is simply leading by example. It's not about being holier than thou. It's not about being better than others. It's not about placing yourself at a higher importance than someone else. It's about being approachable, kind, joyful, patient, gentle. IT'S THE FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT!
Verse 11 (partial verse): He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire
I can honestly say that my baptism was absolutely the most spiritual experience of my life. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. That baptism was so powerful -- it cemented my relationship with God. It was amazing to confess my sins, my history, my past and to turn my back to those ways. To instead be dunked into the river and come up clean. God was there, and he celebrated. I was physically washed by the water, but I was spiritually washed by the Holy Spirit. But John the Baptist also mentions that we will be baptized with fire.
For a long time, I didn't really know what that meant, how it would manifest itself in my life. For a long time, I just kind of overlooked that part. "Oh that part doesn't apply," I would think. How stupid I was.
My fire didn't come for a few years. But it came. My fire baptism was a period in my life that tested my faith and my beliefs. I had a worldly situation arise that shook and tested every single part of my life. My marriage almost failed. My finances were almost ruined. My health deteriorated. I found myself also in the middle of the deepest depression I'd experienced yet. I was in the middle of a career crisis. And all of this happened at the same time. Which of course also tested my faithfulness. I firmly believe that this was my earthly fire baptism. I'd had a few years to plant roots with God, to set up routines, and to learn and read more of the Bible. He gave me a foundation setting period. Then it was all tested -- would the earthquake of everything that could be thrown at me cause my temple to God to crumble and fall?
It was a long earthquake/fire year. There were hundreds if not thousands of cracks in my temple to God as a result. But I clung to Him even in my doubt. I searched for him desperately in my fear. I failed in a hundred small ways, but I never gave up on God or on knowing that in whatever way the dominoes fell, that God would give me one step forward at a time.
I emerged from that fire baptism charred in many ways. But I also emerged stronger in my faith in God. Stronger in my marriage. Stronger in how I manage my finances. Stronger in my health. Stronger in my emotional health (maintained now with regular prayer, Bible Study, yoga, more time spent outside in God's creation/nature, and deep breathing exercises).
Fire hardens and strengthens wood. Traditionally, when canoes are fashioned from a tree trunk, they are treated with a "fire bath" to make them stronger and more resistant to failures. So I'm sure that there will be more to the fire baptism as my life continues and as my earthly life ends. I believe that the fire baptisms will take on multiple forms and meanings. But as hard as they are to endure, they are good for our faith.
Verse 12: He is ready to separate the chaff from the wheat with his winnowing fork. Then he will clean up the threshing area, gathering the wheat into his barn but burning the chaff with never-ending fire
The truth of the matter is that not everyone will get to heaven. You can't fake your way into heaven.
Verse 14-15: But John tried to talk him out of it. “I am the one who needs to be baptized by you,” he said, “so why are you coming to me?” 15 But Jesus said, “It should be done, for we must carry out all that God requires.[f]” So John agreed to baptize him.
Verse 5: People from Jerusalem and from all of Judea and all over the Jordan Valley went out to see and hear John.
My initial thought to this verse was "Oh man! The original mega preacher. The original Joel Osteen." Which of course just made me giggle.
Verse 8-9: Prove by the way you live that you have repented of your sins and turned to God. Don’t just say to each other, ‘We’re safe, for we are descendants of Abraham.’ That means nothing, for I tell you, God can create children of Abraham from these very stones.
Here, John the Baptist was speaking to the Pharisees and Sadducees who were watching his sermons and baptisms as if they were a spectacle, a joke, entertainment. They did not treat these baptisms and conversions with the great respect that they deserved. These people who were being baptized were confessing their sins and turning their backs on their old ways, turning back to God and using their baptism as a reflection of being washed clean and starting anew. But the Pharisees and Sadducees mocked these baptisms -- looking down their noses at the "peasants" because they believed themselves better, holier, untouchable because of their ancestry and positions. But John the Baptist retorted to their mockery with this verse. Reminding us that birthright does not guarantee salvation. How we live our lives is a testament to our beliefs, our faith. Their lack of love towards their neighbor, their greed, their meanness -- those are not characteristics of someone living for God.
Verse 10: Even now the ax of God’s judgment is poised, ready to sever the roots of the trees. Yes, every tree that does not produce good fruit will be chopped down and thrown into the fire.
"produce good fruit" has regularly been interpreted as converting people to the Christian faith. That interpretation I think has created this pressure that if we don't convert people, then we're doomed. Too many people take that pressure and it just takes over. They become pushy, unreasonable, "my way or the highway." You can't talk to those people who believe that their only purpose in life is to convert as many people as they can to Jesus' kingdom. They are a brick wall, blind to other peoples opinions, struggles, fears, concerns, points of view. They can't relate to people who struggle -- struggle doesn't compute in their brains because they believe that as long as you are in Gods Will, that everything will be fine. And if everything isn't fine, then that is because you are not in God's Will and are thus in Rebellion against God. It's the most frustrating, closed off version of a Christian that exists. They believe in grace only for those who are good. They are the modern Pharisee and Sadducee.
But I think that "produce good fruit" is not just about winning people to Jesus. I think it's about living honestly, being kind, being patient, being understanding, being generous, being helpful to others, loving others. Good fruit in my opinion is referring to the fruit of the spirit spoken about in Galatians 5:22-23: But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
Yes, "winning" converts to Christ is good and wonderful. But that is not the only good fruit! Good fruit is embodying the fruits of the spirit -- living your life according to those fruits of the spirit. And I truly believe that when you live the way that Christ actually wanted you to live (The greatest of these is love), then you "win" converts to Christ by your example. Witnessing and working to convert people should not be what modern Christianity teaches -- hellfire, brimstone, "convert or go too hell." Witnessing is simply leading by example. It's not about being holier than thou. It's not about being better than others. It's not about placing yourself at a higher importance than someone else. It's about being approachable, kind, joyful, patient, gentle. IT'S THE FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT!
Verse 11 (partial verse): He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire
I can honestly say that my baptism was absolutely the most spiritual experience of my life. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. That baptism was so powerful -- it cemented my relationship with God. It was amazing to confess my sins, my history, my past and to turn my back to those ways. To instead be dunked into the river and come up clean. God was there, and he celebrated. I was physically washed by the water, but I was spiritually washed by the Holy Spirit. But John the Baptist also mentions that we will be baptized with fire.
For a long time, I didn't really know what that meant, how it would manifest itself in my life. For a long time, I just kind of overlooked that part. "Oh that part doesn't apply," I would think. How stupid I was.
My fire didn't come for a few years. But it came. My fire baptism was a period in my life that tested my faith and my beliefs. I had a worldly situation arise that shook and tested every single part of my life. My marriage almost failed. My finances were almost ruined. My health deteriorated. I found myself also in the middle of the deepest depression I'd experienced yet. I was in the middle of a career crisis. And all of this happened at the same time. Which of course also tested my faithfulness. I firmly believe that this was my earthly fire baptism. I'd had a few years to plant roots with God, to set up routines, and to learn and read more of the Bible. He gave me a foundation setting period. Then it was all tested -- would the earthquake of everything that could be thrown at me cause my temple to God to crumble and fall?
It was a long earthquake/fire year. There were hundreds if not thousands of cracks in my temple to God as a result. But I clung to Him even in my doubt. I searched for him desperately in my fear. I failed in a hundred small ways, but I never gave up on God or on knowing that in whatever way the dominoes fell, that God would give me one step forward at a time.
I emerged from that fire baptism charred in many ways. But I also emerged stronger in my faith in God. Stronger in my marriage. Stronger in how I manage my finances. Stronger in my health. Stronger in my emotional health (maintained now with regular prayer, Bible Study, yoga, more time spent outside in God's creation/nature, and deep breathing exercises).
Fire hardens and strengthens wood. Traditionally, when canoes are fashioned from a tree trunk, they are treated with a "fire bath" to make them stronger and more resistant to failures. So I'm sure that there will be more to the fire baptism as my life continues and as my earthly life ends. I believe that the fire baptisms will take on multiple forms and meanings. But as hard as they are to endure, they are good for our faith.
Verse 12: He is ready to separate the chaff from the wheat with his winnowing fork. Then he will clean up the threshing area, gathering the wheat into his barn but burning the chaff with never-ending fire
The truth of the matter is that not everyone will get to heaven. You can't fake your way into heaven.
Verse 14-15: But John tried to talk him out of it. “I am the one who needs to be baptized by you,” he said, “so why are you coming to me?” 15 But Jesus said, “It should be done, for we must carry out all that God requires.[f]” So John agreed to baptize him.
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