Coming Home

A few days away from home and I felt like a new woman. I was surrounded by extravagant examples of God's artistry. Mountain peak after mountain peak. Mist. Blue skies. Light breezes. Silence filled only with the rustling of leaves, the sound of my feet meeting and leaving the earth with each step, the sounds of my heartbeat and labored breath filling my ears as I ascended, paused, and descended mountains. I was full of possibilities. I felt like I was home - with myself. I felt comfortable. Able. Secure. I was filled over and over with gratitude for the experiences I was able to have while I was there. I kept exclaiming like a broken record "Look at how beautiful that is!" Going into resturants, I was filled with social anxiety - fearful of judgment and scorn and being dismissed. But time after time I found strangers welcoming me with a warm smile, and although it was their job to smile, make me feel welcomed, and initiate some small talk, they were genuine with it. I wasn't uptight - I was relaxed, loose, fine with the flow of whatever came and wherever we went. It was amazing. I wanted to uproot my  whole life and move. I was high on the aura of the high country. I didn't want to leave.

The closer and closer I got to home, the more fragmented I felt. Not because I hate my life - because that is far from the truth. But the air here is thick - you drink it, you don't breathe it. The landscape here is flat - you walk it, you don't climb it. The people here are impatient, dismissive, and self-absorbed. There is a sense of self-importance and self-righteousness here because you don't have something huge and mighty like a mountain to humble and ground you, to remind you how small you are and how great He is.

The closer I got to home, the more my social anxiety increased. I could feel myself winding up like a spring -- my guard came back up. I feared judgement and criticisms for taking vacation when work is short staffed. I feared judgment and criticisms for my weight, appearance, etc.

I felt sensitive, weak, vulnerable, unsure, fearful, and cornered.

I felt those things about things I created in my own mind. About perceptions, assumptions, things playing off my insecurities.

I don't know how to be less sensitive.
I don't know how to care less about what other people think.
I don't know how to be strong and fearless.
I don't know how to be confident.
I don't know how to be me because I'm so busy being who other people think and expect me to be.

Vacation in the mountains is so good for my soul. During that time my heart finds its wings and FLIES. But returning home is soul crushing.