I love it when I pull out my Bible, in need of God's word, and he speaks loudly through the words I study. Sometimes what he tells me is encouraging. Sometimes it's calming. Sometimes it's reproachful. And sometimes it's all three of those things in one study! And sometimes when I get started, it's hard to stop.
Tonight was one of those nights. Tonight I had some great advantages on my side: time away from the situation, an open heart, and extensive time to delve into the Word.
Human words and accusations launched at me today left me confused. Hurt. Feeling low. I felt weak. Insecure. Unsure. Had I done wrong? I thought I had done right - as God commanded me to do. But as usual, things are always more complicated than one thinks and sometimes truths of circumstances can't be discerned until after the fact.
And that's what makes it hard being a Christian. You try to do what is right. But sometimes it feels like two "rights" are fighting against each other. You're unsure of what to do or how to move forward. You don't feel like there is a way to navigate between the two stances, and you're caught - in the middle - frustrated, confused. So you pick a right. A right that is directed by God. But you feel guilt for saying no to the other right. You hurt someone by saying no to their right. But you don't know what else to do, you believe you're following God's will.
(Spoiler: two rights don't fight against each other. If it feels that way, then something isn't actually right/good.)
Later, much later, you are finally able to face the hurt that you caused. And you're also able to look back on the situation and see why you were so conflicted -- because one persons right (the right you chose as ordered by God) was clouded by his own sin, his own turmoil, his own defensiveness that was masked by anger, firmness, un-yielding-ness (totally not a word there, but whatever). At the time, that turmoil and separation from God was unknown by me. It was felt, but it wasn't understood. It hadn't been brought to light yet.
So because I chose the persons right who was clouded by his own sin, and I chose his right because God said to choose him, but I didn't know about the polluted water, does that make my choice sin? When I felt like something was wrong but couldn't figure out why?
It all starts with Ephesians 5:31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is one of many repetitions of this verse in the Bible. I believe it is repeated 5 times with some slight variations between the different books.
Then in Matthew 19:6 "So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." reiterating that no man should come between husband and wife. Sealing the sanctity and independence of the relationship between husband and wife. God basically says 'cut the umbilical cord' and be your own people. Then again in Ephesians 5:22-24 "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything."
Over and over I am instructed to place my priorities as a wife this way: God first, then husband, then my children, THEN other friends/family members.
And desiring to be a good wife, a good Christian, to cultivate a properly ordered marriage, I follow that hierarchy. So when my husband made a decision in a situation as what was right, I submitted. He felt strongly. He had no room for compromise. His foot had been put down.
I always feel uneasy in these situations. Partially because I am such an independent person, it is often difficult for me to submit to my husband. It is also hard because it is perceived as weak, old-fashioned, spineless, as if I can't think or decide for myself. But when it comes down to it, submitting to my husband is a great sign of respect, care/concern for his opinion/stance, and it is done in love.
But you see, the way that it's supposed to work is that the husband is also supposed to submit to the wife! Ephesians 5:25-30 "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body." and Ephesians 5:33 " However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."
With the women's rights movement, there has been a lot of push back against the part where wives are supposed to submit to their husbands. And I get that. For a long time, women were limited and controlled because of that verse. But right next to that verse is the converse -- where men are told to love their wives like Christ loved the church. Christ loved the church with such magnitude that he DIED for us. He sacrificed his LIFE for the church. He submitted his living time to honoring God's will. Husbands are to love their wives as themselves (remember -- the two become one flesh). Husbands are to feed and care for their wives.
So you see -- the submission is mutual. And when submission is mutual, it is not domineering. It is not controlling. It is not self-serving. The two die to selves for the better of the other. It is the most selfless act...
But here's the rub -- as humans, we are all flawed. We live in a broken, fallen world. We are susceptible and weak to temptations, distractions, emotions, cultures. So when one partner in a marriage is not right with God, is up to their eyeballs in their own sin, and have prioritized pleasures of the flesh over Godly living -- then this system of relationship has a break down. And you have conflict. Confusion. Between each other.
But if the other party doesn't know about the root of sin that has grown deep in their partner, they don't realize that the Godly marriage system is broken. But because they don't know, they continue submitting as God ordered them to do. And the sin-filled partner begins to control and manipulate the relationship and the decisions for their own benefit. It's no longer a selfless relationship but selfish relationship on the sin-filled partners side. And because it is now a selfish relationship, and one person manipulates/controls decisions, "rights" begin to war between each other.
This is what happened to us. I followed God's orders to submit to my husband and that he is the head of the household. So when my husband put his foot down, I respected his decisions. Because I believed him to be considering others and believed him to still be following Gods way of marriage.
Looking back, I can see that my husband was not right with God during this time. I can see that he was so full and obsessed with his sin, that I was not being considered, cared for, protected. He claimed it was, but even he is able to acknowledge now that it wasn't. He reacted out of his own defensiveness, selfishness, and coldness/sin instead of taking the time to listen, understand, consider, and lovingly decide.
His decision was not honoring Gods will. But the question becomes -- did I sin because I submitted to my husband? Am I just as guilty because I didn't take the time to dig deeper and discover who was rooted in sin?
I'm still very conflicted on this. Even after my extended (and spiritually beneficial) Bible study tonight. Tonight I was deep deep deep in 1 Peter chapter 3. The verse that halted me in my tracks was verses 5b-6: "For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord.You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear."
This verse captures my whole conundrum. The wives submitted to their husbands like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. Sarah habitually and without fail obeyed her husband. She did his bidding, voluntarily called him lord to honor him, she followed him from country to country, she said the words he told her to say, she wanted to please him and give him the children he desperately wanted and allowed him to sleep with another woman (a lesson to never rush God's timing. See Genesis 18 for that one...), etc. And I have been like Sarah. I've followed my husband and given up my own preference for living (choosing to stay near his family instead of living in my lovely little town or moving to the mountains). I gave up my career. I do his bidding, helping him with his chores without complaint even when he doesn't help me with mine. And I have said the words that he told me to say (submitting to his decisions) -- yet I didn't know that those words/decisions were selfish.
You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. I read so many commentaries on this verse. Trying to understand what it meant. Did it mean to do right even if it meant going against your husband and to not give into fear of arguments/strife in the marriage? Did it mean that doing right is following your husband and not giving into fear of damnation because you are doing right by honoring God by submitting to your husbands?
The commentaries didn't really clarify much for me. One commentary said that "doing right" is a mark that Christian women have become children of Sarah by faith -- meaning that "doing right" is a spiritual commitment to God as opposed to acts/behavior to others in this world. Another commentary said that imitating Sarah in her faith and obedience is what makes you one of her children. And another commentary said that "doing good" refers to behavior/acts (beneficence and hospitality) as well as obeying ones husband. One commentary discussed fear, defining it as being afraid of failing in proper respect of ones husband. Another commentary said that fear was in relating to being afraid of failing to be a Godly wife. And yet another commentary pointed out that you are to follow the lawful command of the husband -- so again, if you don't know that the command is not in God's will, what does that mean for the wife?!
Some good opinion posts on unknowing sin:
Billy Graham
Project Inspired (love the verse they used!)
1 Peter 3:6 gave me no clarity, but rather illustrated to me that this confusion existed even in Biblical times. So I continued on in my study of 1 Peter 3.
Another verse that jumped out at me was 1 Peter 3: 11
"They must turn from evil and do good;
they must seek peace and pursue it."
Verse 11 was very powerful for me. And very personal. Once my husbands wrong priorities were discovered, he turned from "evil" to "do good." He returned to God. Got right with God. He had to seek and pursue peace with me first. And now that that peace has been restored, we are beginning to work outward.
In my commentary on this verse, it said "An effective peacemaker actively pursues peace by building good relationships. Peace is a by-product of commitment. Conflicts are faced. You have to work for peace. A living relationship with God depends on right relationships with others."
This evening, one of the circumstances of the "warring rights" came up. In this instance, I was the middle man just trying to do God's will (submit to my husband). In the end, we can see and he can admit that his decision was not considerate. So tonight was a lot of working for peace from that. A lot of times, that means humility, patience, conflict. Tonight was no exception. It was an emotionally exhausting day/evening of turning from the evil, doing good, and seeking peace.
My humble pie to God has been cooked. And he continued to humble me and reproach me during my Bible study. And that's okay. That's good. I need to be reminded just how imperfect we all are and how great his grace his. I need to be reminded how much I need God in my life, and how much more I need to devote to his Word.
1 Peter 4: 2-4 " As a result, they do not live the rest of their earthly lives for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God. 3 For you have spent enough time in the past doing what pagans choose to do—living in debauchery, lust, drunkenness, orgies, carousing and detestable idolatry. 4 They are surprised that you do not join them in their reckless, wild living, and they heap abuse on you."
Again. I liked this verse for the journey our marriage has gone through. For the victory that we have claimed over my husband. For the changes that have occurred in both of us as our faith has been renewed. They are surprised (at your changed priorities/lifestyle) and they heap abuse on you.
When you change your priorities and you change how you live your life, those who don't have that same faith/relationship with God don't understand. They get mad when you aren't doing things 'their way,' when you say "no" because you have a new hierarchy (remember: God, Spouse, Children, Everyone else). This includes friends and family members. Especially with those who are used to controlling one of you, manipulating one of you, getting one of you into deeper sin, etc no longer have power over you.
I've learned that everyone outside of a marriage struggles with "the new order of things" when a man leaves his family and becomes united with his wife. No one likes being pushed further down a totem pole. They push against boundaries set to safe-guard the marriage (which is not of God -- see top of post for verse). They insert their demands, expectations, and own moral compass into a marriage that is doing their best to get back on track and follow God's will. They get impatient. They "heap abuse" because you don't do what they want.
Following God is tough. John 16:33 " I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." But I am so grateful that I get to follow God. That he loves me. That his grace is enough. That I can constantly learn and grow. That I can read His word and let it grow in me.
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