"When are you going to start having kids?"

As a young couple who is relatively new in their relationship as husband and wife, there is one question that is repeatedly peppered at you: "When are you going to start having kids?"

It doesn't matter how new you are in marriage. You could be hours into this rubix cube thing called marriage and at your reception, people are asking you this. You could be a year into your marriage, with your marriage in complete shreds around your feet and people are asking you this -- as if a child would be the miracle cure to all your marital troubles. You could be three years into your marriage, having just escaped the snare of Satan's grip on your marriage, with your marriage puzzle pieces together for the first time in three years, and people are asking you this. You could be five years into your marriage and struggling with infertility that no one else knows about, yet people ask you if you're ever going to have kids. You could be ten years into your marriage, choosing not to pursue parenthood for a million reasons, and people are asking you this.

I firmly believe that the majority of the time, this subject/question is brought up not maliciously, but rather for two reasons: 1. These people don't know what else to talk to you about. 2. These people are nosy as hell.

In this age of technology, we have forgotten how to converse with each other. So we rely on "safe" topics based on the other person's "stage" of life. High schooler? Ask about college.  College student? Ask about career paths. Career woman? Ask about marriage. Married? Ask about kids. Married with kids? Ask how many more kids there will be. Married with more than three kids? Ask if they know about birth control. Married without kids? Continue asking about kids even if they have conveyed no desire to have children.

There are so many things about this line of questioning that make me want to scream.

Making the choice to have a family is not one that should be taken lightly. And putting pressure on a couple who is being responsible about not rushing into children is minimizing the weight of that decision! Children are a forever choice. And for some couples, that's not something that fits them. AND THAT'S OKAY. We need to stop expecting other people to follow a path that is exactly like ours. We have no idea what is going on between that couple behind closed doors.

Maybe they've been trying for years. Maybe they've had miscarriage after miscarriage. Maybe they can't afford IVF. Maybe adoption is too expensive. Maybe they've been putting on a brave face for the world, but maybe in private their mental health makes it difficult to shower let alone care for another human being. Maybe they just realized their partner has been unfaithful. Maybe they're in marital counseling because their relationship with their spouse is unhealthy. Maybe they just don't want the responsibility of children - maybe they like their independence and freedom. Maybe they think they're not with the right partner. Maybe there is domestic abuse behind closed doors and that woman has had abortions to prevent the child from entering a world of abuse. Or maybe they wanted that child but their partner forced them to get an abortion.

For us, my mental health was unstable due to toxic work environments and demands. Then our marriage was unhealthy. Then it was shattered, and we wondered if we could put the pieces back together. Then we were in therapy. We have only just recently emerged from battle. We were battered, bruised, shaken. We need time to heal. We need time to be healthy in our relationship for the first time ever. And we need time to enjoy that health before our foundation is threatened/shook again by a child.

Children are a gift. They are a joy. But they are a big big choice. A choice that not everyone will choose. A choice that not everyone will rush towards. And children need to stop being an expectation from a relationship as well as in conversation.

The choice to have children is none of your business if you are not one of the two in the relationship. Your unsolicited advice, pressure, and judgment is inappropriate.

Furthermore, it should NEVER be used against a woman that she doesn't have children. Phrases such as "You'll understand if you ever have children," "You don't understand until you have children," "I'm a mother so I know," etc should not be used. While a mothers love is not understood until one has a child, phrases such as these minimize women who don't have children. These phrases suggest that unless you have children, you have less to contribute to society. That you are less of a woman. These phrases shut down and shut out others.

We should not be finding ways to slight others, to clamor for superiority over another woman. I'm so sick of that. We are capable of respecting each other without having this subtle, back handed fight for superiority.

I know for me personally, that these comments and questions are a sure fire fast way to get me to put a wall up between me and the person making these comments/questions. Ask me these things, make comments like that, and I'm not interested in much of what you have to say. My respect stock goes down in those who are this nosy/unoriginal/rude. And yes, this also goes for family members.

I have point blank told family members to stop asking me these questions because it's none of their business - that when we're pregnant, they'll know about it. That our timeline has no impact on their daily lives. That comments such as that are un-necessary and are a slap to my face because I'm not a mother yet. They don't like my honesty. They don't like me calling them out. But they come to respect it and my viewpoint. I remind them that I don't tell them when it's time to make major life decisions and they need to give me the same respect. I remind them that unless I bring it up, I don't really want to talk about it. Because constantly being reminded that I'm not a mother is hard for me.

At this point, the fact that I'm childless is not because of infertility, domestic abuse, etc. It's because we aren't ready. Despite the fact that I long to have a family, I recognize that we'd be rushing things and would put my marriage at risk. So constantly asking me about children or putting me down because I don't have children is another hot poker to my emotional heart. I don't need that reminder. I don't need that pain. I don't need to feel any worse about myself than I already do (hello insecurities). I don't need judgment or to be minimized.

Infertility may become an issue once we're emotionally ready for children. And if that does happen, I really don't want to hear these questions/comments/criticisms. No woman would.

So let's stop asking these questions. Let's stop making these comments. Let's stop pressuring other women into a decision. Let's stop passing judgment on women because they aren't mothers.

Let's instead invest in each other. Get to know the other person for who they are. As they are. Whether they have children or not.