Month 1 Progress (Warning: Progress Pics Included)

Beginning of October, 2016

October 31, 2016

Measurement Changes:            Oct 6                             Oct 31            Difference

• Neck                               14.75                              14.5               -0.25 inches
• Chest                                  48                                 48                   0
• Stomach                           43.5                                42                 -1.5 inches
• Hips                                 48.5                                47                 -1.5 inches
• Right Thigh                     25.5                               24.5               -1 inch
• Right Knee                        18                               17.25              -0.75 inches
• Right Bicep                       15                                 14                 -1 inch

•                                                                                   Total           -6 inches

Weight Measurements            Oct 1                               Oct 31                  Difference

                                                229                                   228                            -1 pound

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Okay. So I have literally shared EVERYTHING this time. The pictures. The numbers - and not just the totals, ALL the numbers. I feel EXTREMELY exposed right now.

But as I was doing my measurements and weigh ins and pictures, I realized just how important it was for me to share ALL of it. Just saying I lost 6 inches this month really doesn't do the story justice. Just saying I lost 1 pound doesn't do the story justice. Just sharing the picture doesn't do the story justice.

You have to do all three to see the full story. And I'm showing this to you to show just how important it is for YOU to do all three if you're on your own journey.  If I'd only been tracking my weight, how do you think I'd feel after a month of better choices? I'd feel pretty damn defeated! Only one pound after killing myself for a whole month? And making better food choices? That's it?! Well this is pointless. At this rate I'll never get to my goal. This is the phase I'm supposed to be losing weight easily and quickly. It shouldn't be this slow at this phase. I give up. That's exactly what my inner dialogue would have been if I had only been tracking my weight.  You get my point??

I was shocked that I'd lost 6 inches. WHAT?! 6 INCHES!!!! I literally did a happy dance! But how funny is it that I didn't lose ANYTHING in my boobs?! I'm pretty sure that I stated that I couldn't wait for them to decrease in size. And what happened? Nothing. LOL! But what a huge boost of confidence and encouragement to see that I'm 6 inches down. Woo Hoo!!!!

I can see those lost inches in the pictures too! I've got a long way to go, but man... What a great first month!

One thing I like about myself: My booty definition is getting better! I'm burning off that butt-thigh gray zone and it's looking better!!!

20x20: Win or Loss?

It's been too long since I updated my blog... Unfortunately I have an older model Windows computer, which means that the latest update has pretty much thrown it for a complete loop. The update is not functional and my computer stays in the "updating" mode for days or weeks until I hit the power button and force it to turn off.  Le sigh.  So it's been off for about a month now... Which means I'm without a computer of my own and have to snag my husbands Chrome book when I want to do any sort of blogging.  And when he's home, I feel bad taking it from him (he's such a geek -- he spends the majority of his free time with his face glued to the very screen I'm looking at now. But thats stories/issues for another time).

I had a week where I pretty much fell off the wagon with my goals. I really didn't have a "good enough" excuse, so I'm not going to go any further than to just admit my short comings (not failings -- "fail" is a word I'm eliminating from my vocabulary for self preservation purposes). But this week I've jumped back up on the proverbial horse.

Once back on board, I was both surprised and not surprised in how far I had fallen. How much more sluggish I was. How much harder movements were. But I tried to look past that, not dwell on it, and just move forward.

So I just completed workout number nineteen and am on track to meeting my goal for October -- 20 workouts of moderate intensity that last at least 20 minutes long.

Despite the fact that I "fell off" that week... And bloated back up (thanks to a week of stress, no physical activity, and poor eating choices)... I feel good about October. I feel good about being able to say without a doubt that I will meet this goal. That I kept my word to myself. That even though my numbers aren't drastically different, I've made some significant progress with my habits. I'm counting October as a win.

I'm working out more regularly, and when I'm choosing not to work out I feel the difference and don't like it.  I'm making better choices with my eating -- I've moved from pancakes and sausage for breakfast to a protein shake for breakfast. I've moved away from breads and pastas and am focusing more on eating a meal of primarily protein and produce. I've ventured outside of my comfort zone and tried the local restaruants that cater to the population who are both extremely health conscious and/or trying to lose weight and offer low calorie, low carb, healthy dinners. I've even signed up for my first meal plan prepared by one of these establishments and pick up my first week of food tomorrow! Kind of excited about that!!!

I'm feeling stronger -- and I actually feel my abs! So that's nice too.

It's weird... I've never really made goals like this and stuck to them.  I've made them plenty.  But the whole sticking to them part is where I've struggled in the past. It feels really really good to have this W under my belt. :)



So now that October is nearly over and I've met my goal... I have a day to decide about November.  Should I repeat the 20x20 challenge? Should I focus on something else?  I'm kind of thinking about a push up challenge (though specifically what it should be is still a mystery -- be able to complete 20 full body push ups by the end of the month? Is that too big? Is that too small? I literally have no idea...). I'm also considering a breakfast challenge -- that's one meal I certainly struggle with, so maybe it would be a good idea to challenge myself with some nutrition choices? Eventually I want to be able to do pull ups, so maybe I should start some challenges geared towards that? Or maybe I should set a goal to run a 5k without stopping by the end of November.  That seems pretty feasible... Maybe...

One month comes to an end, and another one begins. This journey continues... It's a weird thing figuring all this stuff out so that it makes sense with your life and your truth and your non-negotiables and your interests.  It's a challenge in and of itself -- hence why this is not a destination, but a lifelong experience.



Stay tuned tomorrow for my one month pictures (UGHHHHHHHH) and measurement changes.



One thing I like about me: I didn't give up on October when I was behind -- I buckled down and caught back up and made it happen. I reached the goal I set for myself. Something that hasn't happened in a very long time.

Self Talk

I've been off my game the last few days.  I've not been as focused or determined to meet goals this week.

This is my cycle. I set goals. I'm determined and focused and motivated. Then about 3/4 of the way through one phase, I lose steam. I lose interest. I slack off. I get lazy. I procrastinate. I opt for convenience and comfort over the right choices.  I circle the drain and then go down the drain -- my goals given up in frustration that "I'll never be able to actually do this."

It's a vicious cycle. It's a frustrating cycle.

Victory. Defeat. Despair.

I want to break the cycle. I'm just not totally sure how. I know a lot of it, like 99% of it is about changing my mindset. And with that comes changing my self talk.

A video popped up on my facebook feed earlier this week.
It was a really hard video to watch because of how real and honest and accurate it was. Because of how close to home it actually hit.
I sat in my chair at work watching this short three minute video and my world slowed down, everyone else faded away, and tears were streaming down my face as I watched:

That inner self talk is what I'm battling. It's what's holding me back.
It's nothing but myself.
I am holding myself back.  Every single time.
Every single time I derail and give up, its because of this. Because I don't like myself. Because I don't believe in myself. Because I tell myself I'm a failure, it's a self fulfilling prophecy.

This is why I have been off this week. This is why I have not stayed on my workout schedule. This is why I'm eating convenience/junk food. This is why I've bloated back up.  This is where I would normally give up. This is where I want to give up.

But I don't want to give up. I don't want to keep living this cycle. I don't want that to be my inner dialogue. I don't want to see myself as a failure and as unworthy.

If only I had been skinnier, he wouldn't have cheated.
I'd be more successful if I were 15 pounds lighter.
He only tells me I'm hot to make me feel better about myself.

How do I make it stop?

One thing I like about me (a new ending to every post to help change this attitude): I'm digging in this time and trying to go against the tide of defeat, negativity, shame, and failure.

Lucky # 13

Today was lucky workout number thirteen.  I've never been one for supersitions and unlucky numbers. But boy did today live up to be both superstitious and unlucky!

My alarm went off at 3am sharp. I was determined to stick to my workout schedule and get in a run before work. It would help wake me up. It would help energize me. It would put me in a good mood for work, which I honestly wasn't looking forward to (no real reason other that it's called "work" -- I actually love my job). And shockingly, when my alarm went off, I didn't press snooze for an hour like I normally do... I actually woke up.

No. I didn't just wake up.  I BOUNCED out of bed. I was excited for my workout. I was excited to be awake at such an ungodly hour.  (What in the world?!) I got dressed into my workout clothes immediately -- choosing a pair of neon orange capris and a bright teal shirt. I grabbed my phone and my head phones.

I was literally set up and walking out the door to start my run in 20 mins, once I added my safety/reflective orange belt around my waist.

The music was going. My C25K app had begun the warm up. I was halfway down my dimly lit street when I looked up and scanned down the street (I love my street -- very suburbs). I was only half paying attention until I saw something move.  It was a moderately sized dark mass on four legs.  At first I didn't really think twice about it -- that part of the street has a house where they have two old large chocolate labs who he lets roam freely about the neighborhood. Mostly harmless. They'll follow, but they won't bite. So I kept walking.

But wait a minute... It's 3am. He never lets his dogs out at this hour. Plus there was only one moving mass, and he always lets both of his dogs out at the same time. And they don't really (ever) separate away from each other. My walking slowed.

When I looked harder, I noticed that this particular moving mass was as tall as the mailboxes.  And certainly wider than a chocolate lab. Not by much, but still. And it's gait was... Odd for a dog.  My walking stopped.

I couldn't be certain (thanks to my dimly lit street), but I began to believe that what I was walking towards was not a neighborhood dog but rather a bear.  Yes.  A bear.  On my street.  Facing me.

I suddenly cursed my choice of neon orange pants and bright shirt and reflective belt. There was no way this animal, this bear, hadn't seen me.  I was practically glowing.

I did a 180 degree turn and started walking back to the house as quickly as I could muster without breaking into a run -- something told me that running away from a possible, probable, most likely bear would only entice its hunting instinct. And lord was I praying!

I kept looking back to see where it was -- it had suddenly started moving faster in my direction, making it clear that whatever kind of animal was on my street would have no trouble catching this chubby girl if it made its mind up to do so.  I walked a little faster. I prayed a little harder. I got a little closer to the house.

I was only 3 houses away now.
2 houses.

I glanced back -- still there.

1 house.

I glanced back, and it was gone.
I broke into a sprint up the driveway -- I had no idea if it had truly gone away or if it was successfully hiding from me as it drew closer.

I rushed into the house and yelled "Not today!"
Daniel, confused, asked what was going on, why I wasn't on my run. I explained to him what happened. He grabbed a flashlight and went outside to look, but wasn't able to see anything. I exclaimed "I promise I'm not making this up."
He said "I bet it was a bear. It's the right time of year after all."

A bear.
On my street.

And I'm most upset because it ruined my run and all future 3am pre-work runs.
Lucky workout number 13, eh??

At that point I didn't have enough time to get to the gym. My morning workout was shot. So when I came home from work, I had to workout then. I had a choice -- a neighborhood run or a circuit in the garage. I chose a circuit in the backyard surrounded by two anti-bear devices (my dogs and my fence).

Lord! What an adventure!

13 Days In

It's been 13 days since I dreamed up this challenge to get 20 workouts in this month. The first of the month was spent planning, preparing, organizing. The second of the month the challenge truly began.  In 12 days, I've stayed on schedule. I'm on track to meet and exceed my goal.

I decided to step on the scale this afternoon when I woke up... Something I hate doing. That little square box on the floor has caused me so much heartache, damage, and insecurity. I wasn't sure that what I'd been doing was enough for quantifiable change in my weight. I wasn't sure that I would be able to maintain my progress with my activity if that number went the wrong direction.

I checked my ears for earrings (like Kate) to make sure they were out, took a deep breath, and stepped on the scale.

I almost didn't want to look.
But I did.

And I was so surprised. I was down 2 pounds since I started!!

Now y'all... This may not seem like much. But for a girl who has been struggling for the past year to lose weight and has only gained weight, two pounds in two weeks is huge. I'm halfway to losing my first five pounds!!!!

This is so... Motivating. Encouraging. Invigorating.
I might actually be able to do this.



I was also a little annoyed with myself. I took my before pictures. I noted my starting weight. But I didn't (no -- I couldn't) take starting measurements. I couldn't handle seeing what those numbers were. I didn't want to be reminded in ANOTHER way how far I'd fallen and how bad off I was. But now that I'm down two pounds (two of those giant yellow blobs he was holding in his hand), I *want* to know those numbers.

I think that a lot of people can understand not wanting to know what those starting numbers are. If anyone's been through the process of getting your measurements done, it's humiliating. You could have the nicest, kindest, most non-judgmental trainer in the world, but when they have that tape measure around your waist and your butt and your thighs and your arms -- your mind goes crazy with creating what their inner monologue "must" be. "Good grief how can anyone have a stomach that big? How does someone let themselves go so far?" You imagine them thinking the worst things you think about yourself

I can say from experience as a former trainer, those thoughts do NOT go through a trainers mind if you've got a good one. But even though I know this, I still am convinced that someone would think that of me. I still didn't want to see the realities of my state.

But now that I've had a little taste of success, I'm going to take my measurements tomorrow. I will *not* post my measurements, but I'm excited to have them so that I have more than just the scale to track my changes.



If you're considering starting the body change process, please get your measurements... I wish so badly I had them. I totally understand why you don't want to. But get your friend or your significant other to do it. You don't even have to look at what those numbers are after they take them. Because at that point, they mean nothing. They mean nothing until you have your first progress report and you can compare and start adding up how many inches fall off.

Days 7 & 8

Day 7 was a running day. So I slipped on my shoes, grabbed my running hat, and turned on my tunes and the Couch to 5K Training App on my phone.  I was nervous. I wasn't sure I could do it. Day 7 happened to fall on a day where I went to the "next level" on my 5K training -- my running intervals got longer and my walking intervals got shorter. Looking at the numbers, it felt like a significant change. I went from alternating between 90s and 3min running intervals to alternating between 3min and 5min running intervals. I was nervous that my calf cramps and shin splints would kick up and I wouldn't be able to finish.  I. Was. Terrified.

But I made myself a promise -- to not worry about the speed, but to just do what I could for as long as I could. I could slow down if I needed to as much as I needed to, but there would be no stopping until I heard the beep.

Have I made it clear that I went into Day 7 in a doubtful, insecure mindset? Yeah... I have heard so many times (and remember from my running days) that running is often more of a mental challenge than a physical one. That it will be your head that wants to stop more often than your body. And on Day 7, my mind was ready to stop before I even started.

But between my promise and repeating to myself "Mind Over Matter", I made it through. I noticed that although I was still having some calf cramps and some shin splints, the severity of them both had decreased. I finished every single interval without stopping. Although it was a slow pace, I didn't stop. And actually -- I did better than I'd done yet! I completed 2 miles in 30 mins when that distance has been taking me 35-40 mins. I could not have been more pleased with my run!

Day 8 was a weighted circuit workout. And my popsicle stick pick chose a Booty Blaster workout I got from JillFit (possibly from the 20x20 challenge, possibly one she attached to her periodic emails - I couldn't tell you to be honest). Daniel was headed to the gym at the same time I was planning to start, and he encouraged me to come to the gym with him. So begrudgingly I did. Once again, I was in a poor mood -- I'd woken up to my period, I was starving again (worst part about being on your period is that you're hungry all.the.time.), I didn't sleep well, AND I had to take a longer drive to the gym due to a road being washed out from the hurricane. To say that I was ill is an understatement.

The workout was planned by Jill to be 20 mins long. 30 mins after I started, I completed my last movement and collapsed in a sweaty puddle on the gym floor. 30 straight minutes of non stop lunges, squats and variations of lunges and squats. Seriously. She wasn't kidding around when she planned that workout.

And after the workout, although my butt and legs were on fire and could barely function to walk up the four steps to get into the house or the 10 steps to get to work, I felt great. I felt like I had accomplished something. And I had. I had challenged my body. I had used weights I don't normally use and wouldn't have had access to if I had just worked out in the garage.

Standing up from a seated position was quite a challenge for the rest of the night, and continues to be a struggle today. 

So all in all, I'm continuing to make progress. I'm continuing to be motivated and determined to meet my goal and not deter from my schedule. I'm slowly growing to crave exercise every day. And that feels really freaking awesome.

Days 5 & 6 and a rest day

It's only Sunday, but this weekend feels like it has lasted a week.  Hurricane Matthew hit our area Saturday mid morning into the wee hours of Sunday morning.  Which meant that we were on high alert to all sounds, the dogs were restless and stressed, and we did not get much (or good) sleep.

Hurricanes are no stranger to our area. In 1999 Hurricane Floyd devastated the area -- there wasn't power for a week, trees were down everywhere, and hundreds of homes were flooded and destroyed.  I hate to say it this way, but Floyd left our county and our area so devastated that measures were taken to be better prepared for all future hurricane and weather events. Our county took that terrible event and learned from it (a novel concept these days).

So despite the fact that they are expecting the river to rise within 2 feet of "Floyd Stage" in the next 24 hours -- there isn't the panic that there was 17 years ago.  The county has been clear in their communication, their mandatory evacuations, their curfews, where the issues are, etc. It's been amazing to see the community come together, follow instructions, and move forward.

Currently the biggest issues are road conditions. So many roads are impassable due to either flooding or damage right now that the County Commissioners are saying that you can pretty much state that all roads are closed.  There are sink holes, roads washed out, bridges flooded, trees down. I have faithfully not left the house since Friday.

Friday the weather wasn't too bad -- light rain, overcast skies, and cool.  It was the PERFECT weather for a run! So Daniel and I headed out of the house and got in Day 5's workout. We are both members of the Hogwarts Running Club (if you're a Harry Potter fan, you should definitely check it out!), and we were sorted into different houses (He's in Slytherin and I'm in Hufflepuff) and wouldn't you know that our two houses are in close competition for first place for the annual House Cup?? LOL! Which means that neither one of us are allowing the other to get in miles above one another. (Brief run down -- HRC calculates points based on how many virtual races you participate in, as well as how many miles you log through "Charity Miles" -- the club is awesome. It's extremely supportive of beginner and expert runners alike, they support walking, and everything is for charity, even the races!) So when I announced I was headed out for a run, Daniel immediately suited up and said he was coming with. I'd like to say it just him being sweet and supportive, but the ulterior motive was to earn points for Slytherin. LoL. Hey -- whatever it takes for us to be active and to be active together!

Saturday was when the weather really kicked up. Wind gusting 60+mph. Torrential down pours. Lightning. Thunder.  The whole time I'm sitting there thinking, today is a workout day. Today is a workout day. What am I going to do?? I knew a run was out of the question. I did have the option to switch Saturday to a rest day and have Sunday be the workout day. But I really didn't want to do that -- because I knew if I did it once, I'd be extremely likely to continue the pattern of making each day a rest day and losing the possibility of making my goal. I was determined to get the workout in. So over to the garage I dashed (our garage is about 75ft from the house) in the torrential rain and a strong wind gust. And Bella, our pit/lab mix, decided to come with me.

I have to say, experiencing a hurricane inside a "shell" building (no insulation, 3 metal garage doors) was quite something. Every time the wind blew, those doors went to shaking. You could hear everything. At first Bella wasn't bothered -- she was too busy sniffing everything. But about 3/4 of the way through my workout, she started noticing all the sounds and was glued to my back side.  No matter which way I turned, she was standing at my heels. Which made my burpees and rear lunges and mountain climbers interesting hehe.

But it felt so good to stick to my plan and want to workout. It felt somewhat badass to be working out in a hurricane. I felt strong that night. I felt capable. I felt hopeful.

When I laid down on the bed after I took a baby wipe shower (we're on a septic system which means limited water use when our yard is doused with water), even Daniel commented on how I looked like I was slimming down. Love it when he toots my horn!! So, you know, I'm feeling pretty confident right now. :)

Well -- got to go! This lady just got called into work!

The GI Wrath of Healthy Eating

So for the last few days I've made a huge stride with my eating habits. I'm eating salads and lots of vegetables and clean proteins and less soda and significantly less carbs. I'm proud of myself for each choice, I do a little celebratory dance inside with each meal and think "I am one meal closer!" I'm feeling better. I'm feeling more energetic. My palate is cleansing and is more sensitive and is changing.

All of that is just fine and dandy!

But there is a very dark side to changing ones eating habits that no one talks about...

No one talks about the intense stomach cramps that come from having all this fiber and protein and vitamins and minerals in your system that you're not used to having... The kind of cramps that have you doubling over in your chair.  The kind of cramps that have you wondering how much time you're going to be on the toilet later that night.

And then there's the gas pains. I can't attest to pregnancy/labor pains, but gas pains are the worst for someone who's never had a child.  HORRIBLE gas pains.  And thus HORRIBLE gas.  Gas that has you working on your kegels and sphincter control to avoid public embarrassment. Gas that has you excusing yourself to step outside for just a minute and then praying no one comes through the door to witness the symphony.

Then, there's the time you get to spend inspecting and questioning your bathroom decor/wall paint color and the cleanliness of that same bathroom as you sit on a certain throne. Where did that hair in the corner come from? How have I never noticed the amount of dust that has accumulated where the floor meets the wall -- I really need to get in there with a tooth brush. And then I wish I'd brought my phone into the bathroom with me -- at least that way I could watch a movie on Netflix while I...wait.

Everything changes when you change your eating habits. EVERYTHING. Taste buds. Cravings. Cramps. Smells. Textures. It all changes.

And let me tell you just how disappointing it is when you step on the scale (after all the stomach pains and gas pains and spending ALL.THAT.TIME on the throne and wondering if your brain is also being pooped out) and you look down at that tiny little number for your weigh in and see that all those good choices that led to that discomfort and time and all that poop did NOTHING to your weight.  REALLY biology??? At least give me a "good job" half pound credit! Geesh.

Day 3/20

On day 3 I pulled an old JillFit 20x20 Challenge workout out of the popsicle jar. I was excited at first, because this used to be my FAVORITE workout of that challenge.  And then I started the workout, and once again I was reminded of just how far I have fallen... Le sigh!  I know I have got to stop focusing on that aspect, on the negativity. But let me tell you -- it is so hard not to compare where I am now to where I have been before.

Old Theo was spot on with that one, wasn't he? But if you've ever been where I am, you understand just how difficult (and nearly impossible) it is to stop this cycle of comparison when you don't feel good about yourself.

I wish that I had some deep thoughts and insight on how to be better and stop the comparison and accept myself for who I am right now. But I don't. Looks like I need to do more reading of Rising Strong by Brene Brown... 

Day 2 of 20

Today was the second workout of my committed 20. I am 10% through this challenge.  I have to kind of laugh that I'm already celebrating that, but hey -- why not?  Tonight was a scheduled cardio/run workout.

I used to be a runner. Running was how I cleared my head, relieved stress, released anger, and often times what kept me spiritually centered.  It kept my "zen." I would go on runs 5 days a week "back in the day." It started as a struggle (even though I was considerably lighter than I am now); I'd never been into distance running. But I was broker than broke and it was a free method to exercise in my new town that had a delightful downtown with a river front. I started slow, running as far as I could, walking just long enough to catch my breath and slightly slow my heart rate, then I would go again. Eventually the running intervals got longer and the walking breaks became fewer. My usual route was 3-4 miles, depending on the weather, time constraints, and my mood. I lived to get in my run each day. It was the highlight of my day. The days I worked, which was pretty much every day between the three jobs I held, I would pack my running clothes (old, shabby, stained clothes with shoes that were far too worn out to be acceptable by serious runners, but it was what I had) and as soon as work ended I would head down town for my run. I loved it.

Perhaps that's what makes my current state even more difficult. I know what it's like to be fit. I know what it's like to be able to run 3-4 miles at a good clip no problem. I know what it's like for people to look at me in admiration, thinking to themselves "Good for her."

I am none of those things right now. My "run" is really more of a fast walk. My distance is a quarter to a half mile at a time, and when I slow to a walk I'm wheezing. People look at me in pity, clothes ill fitting, sweat drenching through the layers, my face pure misery.

Even completing a Couch to 5K run feels impossible.  I'm struggling with the most painful shin splints and simultaneous calf cramps, which makes walking nearly impossible and running both slow and painful.  I had to stop periodically and grasp onto a mailbox to at least stretch out my calves -- tears streaming down my face.

My husband rode the bike next to me, to encourage me and be there for me. I was so grateful that he was there. But I was also embarrassed -- I could barely even do this "run," and what I could do had me in literal tears of pain. He felt sorry for me - offered me his shirt to dry my tears, offered me the bike to ride home on. When I refused the bike, he got off the bike and walked next to me the rest of the way home.  Sweet. Embarrassing. Heart breaking.

But I did not take the offer of the bike. I finished my intervals. I did an extra interval (though I'm sure it was extremely slow). I pushed through the tears and the pain.

I want to enjoy running again. But that will take a lot of time I think. Time I'm willing to invest. I had forgotten this part of becoming a runner - I only remember what it's like once I was a runner. But even though I was thinking those things, thinking of failure and disappointment and frustration and impatience, I was also repeating this to myself:

And I kept going.

Today I was Brave

Today I was brave.  I faced the monster head on.  I got in front of a camera half naked in order to take my "before" pictures.  When I downloaded the images, I hid them in a folder 3 sub folders deep.  That way there was NO accidental viewing by friends on my computer. Although that makes no sense, because I'm going to share them here.  My sense of shame is all sorts of messed up right now.

Taken 10-3-2016

I don't like reality right now. I can't hide behind fabric in these. I don't like seeing them. I don't like sharing them. But here they are.  This is where I'm starting.

Please keep your negative comments to yourself -- this is taking so much bravery for me to share at all. I am fully aware of how overweight and unattractive I am. You sharing more negativity will not help me change, but will actually hinder any progress I make.

Day 1 of 20

Day 1 of my workout plan arrived. And bless my husband -- he is such a gym rat that it's the first place he goes every day.  The alarm went off that morning and I resisted. I didn't want to get up yet. I was on vacation! It was Sunday! It wasn't time to get up and rush for church yet!

But my husband gently nudged me and said "No pressure, but I'm going to the gym. Want to go with me?"

My first workout was a scheduled weighted HIIT/Circuit workout. The only equipment required was dumbbells. I could do it at home if I wanted to. I intentionally wanted to give myself that option -- I didn't want to have to be forced to go to the gym if I didn't want to go.  And I honestly didn't want to go to the gym.

I honestly wasn't kidding when I said I loved Kate's story line.
Except she looks halfway decent at the gym.
But this is how I feel at the gym: frustrated, embarrassed, and pointless.

I hate being seen at the gym -- particularly as heavy and out of shape as I am.  I hate being seen struggling.  I hate being seen with my hair drenched in sweat and my face as red as a tomato.  Because folks, let me be real with you: I am NOT a graceful gym girl. I sweat excessively. EXCESSIVELY. I get EXTREMELY red faced. I'm awkward. I struggle getting up/down from the floor.  Me at the gym is not a pretty picture.

But my other option was workout out in our detached garage, which is Daniels man cave. Which means its a MESS.  Dirty.  Lots of spider webs (and thus spiders, right?). No A/C.

I chose the gym.
I chose to go with my husband first thing that morning and get it over with.
I went.
I did it.

And it sucked. The first Popsicle I picked of course was a workout that had burpees and three rounds of mountain climbers every circuit. Le sigh. I moved slow. I was gasping for breath. I was dripping sweat.  My shirt wouldn't stay down and it clung to every bump and roll. I had to stop and rest more than was socially acceptable. But I did 20 minutes. I completed the goal for that day.

20x20 Challenge

So I've mentioned before that I used to be in the fitness industry. I taught group fitness, boot camp classes, and did some personal training. During that time, I was introduced to a business called Metabolic Effect, which was based in Winston Salem, NC. It was a revolutionary way to look at nutrition and exercise. They specialized in female fat loss.  And one of the members of Metabolic Effect was Jill Coleman, who in her own right is a bit of a bad ass super star.  I started following Jill on social media and loved how real she was in everything she did.

Just a sampling of Jill Coleman & how she opearates

She is well spoken, highly educated, but despite the fact that she was what I would consider an "ideal" body, she never shied away from being honest about her struggles. She was honest about where she was mentally, emotionally, with her training, with her eating.  It was revolutionary to me.  Finding someone that was so different in a cookie cutter fitness world was fresh.  I looked forward to her emails.  And one day, she launched something she called the "20x20 Challenge." It was a free workout program where she and any who agreed to the challenge would complete 20 workouts in the month that lasted at least 20 minutes long.  She provided workouts and guides - but it could also be whatever you wanted it to be.

I downloaded the workouts and saved them to the same folder that had all the other workouts from my classes I'd taught. It was my little treasure chest of workouts.

I don't remember if I completed the 20x20 Challenge that year.  I'm pretty sure I did, but I can't say for sure.  But it became somewhat an annual event for Jill's subscribers.

And as I was sitting on the couch the other night, sick of being overweight and out of shape but simultaneously being lost on how to begin, the 20x20 Challenge came to mind.  And it became an inspiration.  I decided to commit myself to 20 workouts, lasting at least 20 mins long each, during the month of October. I decided NOT to think longer than a month -- I didn't want to become overwhelmed and decide before I even started that I would fail. I needed to only take it one step at a time.

Okay... So I'd made that decision. But what workouts would I be doing? Just the thought of creating my own workouts had my anxiety levels rising. Nope. Couldn't go that route.  And then I remembered that I had saved all the workouts from Jill's 20x20 Challenge.  So I opened my treasure chest. I printed ALL the workouts out. I alphabetized them.  I put them in a binder all nice and pretty.  I printed out an October calendar and made my schedule -- weighted HIIT workouts and cardio/running days with rest/stretch days evenly distributed.  That felt good.

But how would I pick which workout I would do on the HIIT days? I had probably at least 50 workouts printed. I knew myself and knew I'd avoid certain workouts because they had certain exercises in them that I hate (Mountain Climbers, Burpees to name a few). There was only one way I could think of to make it a "fair" chance for every workout -- I put each workout name on a Popsicle stick and would draw them out at random.

And that's how I'm starting y'all -- the very scientific method of the Popsicle Draw. 20 workouts in October. That's my commitment. That's how I'm starting.  And at this point, it's not so important how I start but that I find some way to start at all.

Watch Me Finally Lose It

Have you seen the new show on NBC "This Is Us"? Well I'm obsessed. I love every aspect of it. It's one of those shows that feels REAL. Real emotions.  I particularly identify with Kate's story line.  She's just turned 30 and is over weight and miserable and in the first episode, she utters the phrase "I'm going to lose the damn weight."

As soon as she said that line, it's like I was her. And she was me. I understood exactly how she felt. Kate suddenly became my best friend because we were struggling with the same issues - confidence, weight, self worth.  And I was inspired -- I wanted to lose the damn weight too.

But weight wasn't the only thing I wanted to lose.

I want to lose my unhealthy relationship with food.
I want to lose my emotional eating habits.
I want to lose my insecurities.
I want to lose my self-hatred.
I want to lose my lack of self discipline.
I want to lose the "I can't" song that is on repeat in my mind.

So this journey is about so much more than weight.  It's about losing all the negativity that has sprouted in my heart and mind.  It's about losing the bad and gaining all the good -- confidence, healthy relationships, discipline, faith in myself.  It's about feeling worthy of being myself.

So watch me finally lose it!

Allow Me to Introduce Myself

My name is Blair. I'm in my late 20's. I live in the South of the United States -- home of fried foods, delicious cakes, and a slower pace of life.  We drink sweet tea, say "Y'all," and love God on more than just Sunday.  I've lived in the same state my whole life, but have been blessed (yes, we count our blessings down South) to have traveled many places and consider myself very well rounded and well spoken.

I have a Bachelors Degree in Health Fitness, graduating 6 years ago with Magna Cum Laude Honors.  After completing my Bachelors Degree, I taught group fitness classes while getting my Associates Degree as  Physical Therapist Assistant.  During my secondary education, I met my now husband through an online dating website and we dated throughout my schooling.

After graduating and becoming licensed as a PTA, I worked for 2 years full time at a local hospital as a PTA.  During this time, my boyfriend proposed and we began planning our wedding. I loved my job at the hospital, or rather, I loved my patients.  But the workload and stress levels and pressure from co-workers pushed me away and I had to leave that job for my sanity. Not to mention that after Daniel and I had gotten married, I had moved in with him, which meant that I now had a one hour commute (one way) to work.  While to many that's nothing, that is an excessive commute in our neck of the woods. And it was driving me crazy (pun intended).

After several months of job searching and several interviews, I decided that it was time to step away from my PTA career -- not because I hated the job, but because I couldn't find the right fit in my new community.  So I became a telecommunicator for the local Sheriff's department, and went from a Monday through Friday 9-5 job to a Rotating Shift Schedule working 12 hour shifts.

It was a big adjustment, but I have fallen in love with my job. Although it has its moments of stress, it is nothing compared to what I had been experiencing.  And the work atmosphere was not toxic like my last job.  Plus it put me on a very similar work schedule as my husband, which I really liked.

In the last year, Daniel and I adopted two fur babies: Cooper (6 year old Pit/Hound Mix) and Bella (1.5 year old Pit/Lab Mix). They are pretty much our whole world and we spoil them rotten.  Just this week, Daniel and I celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary with a trip to Virginia.

Ever since I started PTA school, I have progressively gained weight.  In the last 5 years I have gained 50 pounds. Stress had a lot to do with it.  Progressively higher standards of living (i.e. having more money to eat out and buy more than just the bare necessities) had a lot to do with it.  Falling in love and gaining the happy weight contributed.  Then depression kicked in and contributed.  Then marital problems came up and contributed.  Which brought me back into depression which contributed even more -- emotional eating, laziness, no sense of worth or value.

The last couple of months have been a cycle of getting back on track, falling off the wagon, getting back on track, falling off the wagon. Being completely lost.  Having absolutely no idea how to start, where to start, or what to do.  I have a four year degree in how to help others, but I had no idea how to help myself. It was embarrassing, being in that sort of situation. But that's where I was.

I had let circumstances rule me over the last five years. I'd lost all sense of self-control.  If I wanted it, I ate it.  If I didn't feel like working out, I didn't. Five years later and here I am, 50 pounds heavier and completely lost.



This blog is for me primarily. Expressing my frustrations, my fears, my failures. Celebrating my successes.  Being open and vulnerable to myself first. Being open and vulnerable to anyone else who finds time or interest in this process. But this blog is for everyone else second.  It's a place for anyone to be able to feel welcome. To be able to express their understandings of the frustrations, fears, and failures.  To be a place of support, encouragement, and honesty.

This is to chronicle my process -- however long that takes.