Further Exploration of New Years Resolutions

Wow. So I just did a quick review of the posts I've made this month, and I'm still so surprised and struck by how early I began thinking about 2019 Goals... I NEVER think about my resolutions this early!! Yet here I am again with another post exploring the concepts of 2019 Resolutions...

So to recap what I've already published:

One goal I have for 2019 is to train and prepare for my first ever half marathon. I'll be going from pregnant to post-partum to half marathon in 10 months. I've already registered, so this is something I'm definitely doing, but I want to try and be as prepared as I can be and not just "wing it" or show up without training and settle for "just" walking it.
     Another goal I have is to eat out less. That probably seems small or silly, but it's a habit I need to break/reduce/minimize. It has a very negative effect on my budget!
     I'm toying with a couple of words to define my year -- debating between Thankful and Grateful. I know, basically the same word. I just haven't decided which one I want to really settle on. But a part of that is extending my gratitude to others for their roles and impact on my life. I want to make at least one person a month feel special, appreciated, valued for who they are in a way that maybe they haven't been recognized before. It won't be a big gesture -- just a nice hand written card, but one that comes deep from the heart.

So what kind of self care do I want to gift myself next year?
- More hiking!! I want to go to Hanging Rock State Park and explore more parks in the mountains. There is something about being in the mountains, in the peace and quiet, beneath the trees (and sometimes above the trees when I reach the peak), that grounds me...
- A trip out West to visit some of the National Parks Dad loved and had planned for us to see together. I dont know if this is a realistic goal for this year, but it's one I want to cross off in the near future!
- More yoga. I'd like to try and find at least five minutes a day to practice yoga. Maybe as just a breathing/meditation exercise. Maybe stretching. Maybe a quick flow. Or maybe I spend five minutes breathing and it grows into a full on hour long practice. But five minutes is the goal I want to set. Five minutes because yoga is an act of self care, and I want to keep it in that realm and not turn it into a fitness goal. I want yoga to remain calming, transformative, quiet, and a haven -- mentally, emotionally, and physically.

         My Sunday School class and I are doing a study together: Facing Your Giants by Max Lucado. At first I was not too enthused about this study, but it was the one everyone wanted to do so I didn't say anything against it. But oh man has it been good so far!!  One of the themes of the study (the obvious theme lol) is identifying the things in our lives that are Goliaths (road blocks, intimidations, fears, failures, etc) to our spiritual growth and faith. This last week, the concept of how I use my time and what I focus on were the Goliaths that came to my attention. I realized just how much time I waste watching mindless TV that I really don't care about. And it stirred a deep desire within me to be better with my time and what I focus on.
          So in 2019, I want to spend less time looking at TV/computer screens during my free time and more time doing everything else. Quilting. Home-making. Mothering. Reading. Reading the Bible. 

        Maybe "be more intentional" is a good summary of all my 2019 goals. Because when you look at everything I want to do, that's really what it comes down to. Being more intentional with my time! Being more intentional with my self-care. Being more intentional with getting outdoors. Being more intentional with my running. Being more intentional with my eating. Being more intentional with my Bible study and time spent with God.

Vacation Reflections

Today is the last day of our 11 day long vacation from work. I had honestly under-estimated how badly I needed this time off and this time away from the daily grind. But now that it's coming to an end, I'm so NOT ready to go back to work. LOL.

Daniel and I originally took this time off with the intention of taking a few days for a road trip to Pennsylvania to explore Gettysburg and Amish country. We'd not taken an actual vacation all year, and Daniel and my Dad were supposed to visit Gettysburg this fall. But with Dad's death, that obviously didn't happen and I volunteered to go with Daniel to Gettysburg in Dad's stead.

But the closer we got to our time off, the less confident we felt about making that trip. Financially we're STILL recovering from the last year (paying to move my sister, the added expenses of my sister/nephew on our utilities, Dad's death and all the driving/moving/eating that went with that, putting down the new flooring in the house). And with me being pregnant and finances will only get more and more tight, we really didn't feel confident to take a road trip/vacation. Not to mention we hadn't done any Christmas shopping so were facing the financial pressures and stresses of the holiday gift giving season. So we agreed to cancel our road trip and to just enjoy a stay-cation.

The second reason we took this week off was because our Christmas Celebration calendar was insane this year. We had 11 Christmas gatherings this year. ELEVEN!! To help mitigate stress and allow us to (hopefully) actually be able to enjoy the holiday season, we needed to take the time off to prepare and have time to breathe in between events. And I have to say -- what a difference it makes to be on vacation with all these gathering responsibilities.

For the last five years, I've been sick every Christmas. In hindsight, I'm attributing it to the fact that I wasn't on vacation during Christmas and was rushing from gathering to gathering while working and getting minimal sleep.

This was the first year I successfully avoided getting sick for Christmas! It was glorious!

We were also able to attend 9 of the 11 gatherings and be prepared for all of them. If we had not taken vacation, we would only have been able to attend 5. Although I think next year we will need to curtail our attendance to ALL these events. It's just so much!

But Christmas gatherings aside, we were able to get some real REST. Which was amazing. And we were able to get some things done around the house. We got all the furniture out of the guest room. Daniel finally got all his work gear out of the guest room. We purchased paint to transform the guest room into the nursery, and starting the painting process.   But mainly, we were able to rest.

After a year of insanity, crisis after crisis, stress, emotion, and pregnancy --  having that time to rest was so desperately needed. Every other time we'd taken off of work this year was to manage a crisis. First my sister -- moving her from Upstate SC in with us. Then my Dad's death in May. I took off two days in July to emotionally decompress from Dad's death. Then I took a weekend off in October to go to a quilt retreat that ended up with me leaving early because the beds were SO BAD that it threw my back out and I had to go home. So yeah. Not much fun this year. Not any real time off this year.

Self Care: intentional/preventive vs last minute

Have you ever heard of Mirna Valerio?

Okay, if not, you need to check her out:
National Geographic introduces Mirna Valerio
Mirna's Facebook Fan Page
Mirna's Website
Mirna's Instagram Page

She is pretty much amazing and basically my hero. And I follow her on every platform I can. Mostly because she is inspiring, real, relatable, and encouraging. I love having a woman who is big like me doing big things in the world of running. No longer do I feel alone about being a big girl who wants  to run. THERE IS A WHOLE COMMUNITY OF PEOPLE LIKE ME. We are called the Fat Girls Running, and yes we have a facebook group. ;)  Where we come together with passion for running, a place to express our insecurities, a place to ask questions we would otherwise feel awkward asking, a place to encourage one another and cheer each other on. It's basically the best -- and so inspiring to see women like me achieving goals and running long races. I've never been so motivated to run in my life. And I've been doing it more and more regularly. :)


Any way, today Mirna made a post on her instagram that caught my attention and made me stop and think. Mirna asked: "Have you figured out what kind of self-care you'll be gifting yourself [next year]?"

I've literally never asked myself this question. Ever.

I fully believe in self care. But it's often a last minute, what am I going to do today for self care? kind of question. I don't pre-plan or goal plan my self care. It's literally me trying to figure out how to pamper myself on whatever leftover time or money I have, and usually this problem solving venture is when I am far beyond stressed out and overwhelmed. It's not a preventive/pre-emptive practice.

So maybe Mirna has a point -- maybe I'm approaching self-care all wrong.

Maybe I need to make self-care intentional. Planned. I need to approach it as more of a gift to myself instead of just one more box to tick off my to do list for the week.

So what kind of self care do I want to gift myself next year?
- More hiking!! I want to go to Hanging Rock State Park and explore more parks in the mountains. There is something about being in the mountains, in the peace and quiet, beneath the trees (and sometimes above the trees when I reach the peak), that grounds me...
- A trip out West to visit some of the National Parks Dad loved and had planned for us to see together. I dont know if this is a realistic goal for this year, but it's one I want to cross off in the near future!
- More yoga. I'd like to try and find at least five minutes a day to practice yoga. Maybe as just a breathing/meditation exercise. Maybe stretching. Maybe a quick flow. Or maybe I spend five minutes breathing and it grows into a full on hour long practice. But five minutes is the goal I want to set. Five minutes because yoga is an act of self care, and I want to keep it in that realm and not turn it into a fitness goal. I want yoga to remain calming, transformative, quiet, and a haven -- mentally, emotionally, and physically.

God sends evil spirits?!

My Sunday School class is working through Max Lucado's Facing Your Giants Bible Study.  We're early into the study (Chapter 2), which talks about when Samuel goes to Bethlehem to search for a new king to replace Saul and finds the young David, who God anoints as the next King (1 Samuel 16). The study itself focuses on the first half of 1 Samuel 16, but I continued reading the second half of the chapter, which is where David becomes a part of Saul's service as a lyre player:

14 Now the Spirit of the Lord had departed from Saul, and an evil spirit from the Lord tormented him.15 Saul’s attendants said to him, “See, an evil spirit from God is tormenting you. 16 Let our lord command his servants here to search for someone who can play the lyre. He will play when the evil spirit from God comes on you, and you will feel better.”

I feel like these are verses that I've read many many times and just kind of glossed over. But tonight, verse 14 really caught my attention. An evil spirit from the Lord tormented him. Wait, what? God sent an evil spirit to Saul? God has evil spirits??? I was confused. I was stopped in my tracks. I needed to understand this deeper.

Since I'm at work, I didn't have my Bible with its handy dandy foot notes and references. (sigh). So I turned to Google (which admittedly can be very dangerous) and came across an excellent resource that helped explain this to me: Apologetics Press


They brought up a few excellent points:

- God is the ultimate judge and is capable of and justified in punishing people who have done wrong. So it is possible that God was punishing Saul for his consistent refusal to obey God. "(God) uses evil to chastise evil." 
         We focus so much on the loving God, that sometimes we forget that God is our only judge and jury, and that he is also an angry God, one who destroyed mankind and his own creation with the Great Flood as a punishment to long standing patterns of improper behavior.  Often times I think we focus on punishment being doled out primarily after death (going to Hell), and forget that God is perfectly capable of punishment during this time on Earth.

- God may not have actually sent the evil spirit to Saul, but rather permitted it to happen (think about when God permitted Satan to tempt/torture Job), again as a consequence of Saul's disobedience.

- The authors also more closely analyze the ancient Hebrew words that were translated into this verse, and note the two main words used for "evil spirit" were ruach (spirit, life breath, disposition of mindset/attitude) and ra'a (bad, unhappy, sad of heart/mind). So while these two words used together can certainly refer to an evil spirit, they could also be referring to Saul's own bad attitude or being plagued with depression!
         Which makes insane sense to me when Saul's attendants suggest a lyre player to help Saul feel better when the "evil spirit" were to come around and affect Saul. Music therapy is a historically well known method to combat depression/anxiety/mental instabilities!


I think I am most intrigued by the concept that Saul suffered from mental instability/depression due to my own struggles with anxiety and mild depression. And when you're in the thick of an "attack," it indeed feels like an evil spirit tormenting you.

So interesting!!

Christmas Apathy

We are knee deep into the Christmas season now. And this is the first Christmas in a LONG time where I just haven't been in the spirit. I didn't care to put up lights or the tree or any decorations. And when Daniel and I finally did put up lights, we did the basics. And when we finally did put up the tree, I honestly didn't even care that there was an eight inch wide swath of the tree where the lights were dead, and I didn't even bother to hang any ornaments on the tree this year. To complete the "I don't care" Christmas mood, gift shopping has been scaled way back. I'm talking smaller budgets and simpler gifts. Lots of gift cards this year (which would normally annoy me as they're "impersonal" and "lazy" -- even though I love to get them). And we're just doing baked goods for extended family members. $10 gift limits on the kids in the family (all 10 kids in the family). So yeah. Simple is the name of the game this year.

I think a part of my apathy for Christmas this year has a lot to do with the Christmas schedule. Christmas has become out of control with the number of events and gatherings. Daniels family alone has four -- TWO for his parents (I admire that they want to include my brother in laws new girlfriend and have to have a separate gathering due to custody agreement, but it's just more pressure/stress on Daniel and I; not to mention the now added social pressure to purchase gifts for someone we've only met three times). Then a whirlwind road trip (4 hours each way) to my grandparents for the day (because they're grumpy and don't do well with overnight visitors and we're too cheap to get a hotel room). Then two work Christmas parties (one for each of our departments). Then our Sunday School Christmas party. That's eight Christmas gatherings in about 2 weeks. And doesn't include Daniel and I doing something together for Christmas.
     It's just too much. We took off a week of work between my birthday and Christmas with the intention of being able to enjoy Christmas. But our schedule has become so full, there really won't be much time off. Not to mention we'd planned on using that week to really get some serious work done in the nursery. But there won't be much time for that either.
     That's a lot of complaining. And to balance it out, I do want to have it mentioned that I am so grateful for the people that we have in our lives and how blessed we are that so much of Daniels family is close and wants to get together frequently. There just doesn't seem to be much balance... I'm seriously considering skipping the work parties and one of the in laws gatherings.  That will make it feel much more manageable and way less stressful.

While we're knee deep in the Christmas season, my mind keeps drifting and focusing on New Years. Which is kind of surprising to me. The thought of New Years doesn't usually hit me until after Christmas and then it's a last minute mad dash to figure out what I want out of the new year. But apparently not this go around!
     My mind is so full of the possibilities of a fresh start in 2019. I keep asking myself what I want my goals to be, what I want to focus on, what I want to accomplish, what word(s) I want to declare as my "Words of the Year."
     One goal I have for 2019 is to train and prepare for my first ever half marathon. I'll be going from pregnant to post-partum to half marathon in 10 months. I've already registered, so this is something I'm definitely doing, but I want to try and be as prepared as I can be and not just "wing it" or show up without training and settle for "just" walking it.
     Another goal I have is to eat out less. That probably seems small or silly, but it's a habit I need to break/reduce/minimize. It has a very negative effect on my budget!
     I'm toying with a couple of words to define my year -- debating between Thankful and Grateful. I know, basically the same word. I just haven't decided which one I want to really settle on. But a part of that is extending my gratitude to others for their roles and impact on my life. I want to make at least one person a month feel special, appreciated, valued for who they are in a way that maybe they haven't been recognized before. It won't be a big gesture -- just a nice hand written card, but one that comes deep from the heart.

Pregnant Musings: Month 6

I've made it to the 6 month mark of pregnancy. I'm feeling a lot of things these days, lol.

Lots of emotions -- most prevalent is the need/desire to cry. Thankfully the need to cry has come forward during mostly socially acceptable moments. But there has been a lot of crying; something I don't consider to be something I do very often. I've cried during commercials. TV shows (especially if it's about the death of a parent or a father/daughter bond). Facebook videos (most recently the video of Winnie the Pooh being patient and interacting with and loving on a special needs boy at WDW). Even pictures or short videos of dogs have brought me to tears. And the weirdest one so far -- crying during Great British Baking Show (series 9 on Netflix) when they announced the winner. Lots of tears.

I've also been feeling exhausted and physically limited. I've always been a go-getter, a do-er, a "no rest for the weary" type of person. When Dad was alive (cue tears), he would always laugh and shake his head when I told him what my plans were for the day or what I'd done. He'd always respond with something like "I'm exhausted just hearing about it." Well now that I'm at this stage of the pregnancy, I am finding that I just can't do like I used to. I'm relying much more heavily on my husband for certain things. I'm finding that I have to ask for a lot more help on a daily basis. On one hand I find this immensely frustrating -- being more dependent on others. But on the other hand, I am so so grateful that I have a husband who is recognizing my limitations and is quick to jump in and help. For example, we hosted a Thanksgiving dinner at the house this weekend, and we were in charge of the turkey. Based on initial guest list, I bought a 19 pound turkey. This was beyond what my back and my body was able to handle on its own, so Daniel became my sous chef and we worked together to get that bird cooked. And we did a dang good job of it! But I would have seriously struggled (and probably failed) at getting that done had it not been for Daniels help.

Along with the exhaustion has come the body aches. They have just begun and will only get worse these next few months, but their presence cannot be denied. It hurts to go from seated to standing. Or to roll over in bed. Or to bend down and pick something up off the floor (thankfully if I drop something in Daniels presence, he jumps to pick it up for me). My back aches. My glutes ache. My hamstrings ache. My hips ache. My upper back aches (from having to sleep in an elevated position). I am finding more and more comfort in piling pillows around me like a cocoon. I sleep with four pillows. I sit surrounded by at least three pillows. Pillows are my friend.

And with the body aches has also come the heart burn. I'd never really had heart burn until pregnancy, but apparently this is common. It's also awful. I can handle the dull, bottom-of-the-throat burn when I'm awake. But what is the absolute worst is when I wake up choking and aspirating on stomach acid. It takes me hours to calm the burn and stop the coughing when this happens. Not fun at all.

While a lot of "not fun" side effects of pregnancy have arrived, one "fun" side effect of pregnancy has arrived to help negate the bad -- we can finally feel kicks from the outside. I've been feeling movement internally for a while now. But now they can be felt from the outside, too. In fact, Daniel felt a kick for the first time ever tonight. And his face lit up. So that's pretty cool. I'm really not looking forward to when it looks like an alien moving underneath my skin, but there's nothing I can do to avoid that stage.

I'm grateful that my pregnancy ended up being timed the way that it did -- the longest and most uncomfortable stage (the third trimester) will be filled with annual events that I pray will help the time pass more quickly. First, the holiday season. Then in January, my two weekends off will be filled with baby showers. Then February will come the nesting and birth month. To echo my dad: "I'm exhausted just hearing about it." But I do hope all the busy-ness will make it pass more quickly.

My pregnancy belly has popped. And thankfully it's no longer quite so lumpy. Until last week, I had a "B" shaped baby bump, which just made me look fatter. But this week it seems to have rounded out some and is developing into more of a "D" bump. I'm not sure if I look "bigger" than I'm supposed to at 6 months, but I feel pretty dang good about my bump. I've only gained 5 pounds so far, so while I feel large, I also feel good about the large that I am.

I'm doing my best to keep active. I'm trying to exercise three times a week, though the intensity of my workouts vary. Some days I feel up to a HIIT workout. Somedays I feel up to a walk/run on the treadmill. But some days all I can muster is a gentle, restorative yoga stretch session. And some weeks (like last week), I can't muster a workout at all.





I do want to rant for a little bit, though... Since becoming pregnant, I have realized a lot about Moms. And I use that generally. Everything I'm going to rant about is a generalization. Not *every* Mom has been like this. But I have been so surprised at just how many have been like this...

Moms are constantly on social media demanding respect. Demanding no judgement for how they are raising their children. Demanding that their individual view be honored as law because they're a Mom. And I get it. Motherhood is thankless, exhausting, self-sacrificial, frustrating, overwhelming, dirty, hard work. But what has surprised me so much is just how many Moms have a smug, better-than-thou, look-down-my-nose-at-you, you-have-no-valid-thought-because-you're-only-pregnant attitude. Which I think is crazy considering how much Moms demand kindness and patience from the general public and non-Moms.

It's been infuriating how many women have belittled me with their condescension, "advice" (which is really just condescension disguised as "help"... I've had plenty of fabulous, genuine, kind, real advice/help, but I've had wayyyyy too much of the "advice" I'm referring to here), you-dont-count attitude without provocation. I literally ran into a friend of mine at Target recently and went to say hello. She was there with her husband and son. Her son was having a fussy day, which I didn't even really notice because hey, it's a kid and kids have fussy days and that's okay (and on that note, let's just recognize that adults have fussy days too!). And she goes "Oh you just wait... You're going to have so many of these days." Like, um? Okay? Duh? Why was that superiority and condescension necessary? I was literally just saying hello and wasn't even fazed and didn't even really notice her son being fussy. 

I can't make a single post on social media about pregnancy frustrations without someone commenting with "It's only going to get worse." or "This is nothing -- wait until they're born." or "LOL (insert know it all comment that completely dismisses my current situation)." It's just asinine.

Or when one of my mom friends comments about her frustration, and I make a practical suggestion -- it's met with responses of "hahahahahahaha like i have time for that." Really?! If it doesn't work for you okay, but why so much negativity and hate and dismissiveness and superiority?! Whatever happened to If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Whyyyyy do women constantly attack and belittle one another?!

And even then... some of my Mom friends will ask me a question about the impending future (maybe something innocent like "have you thought about the nursery?" or "have you picked a car seat?") with the intention of responding to my answer with some sort of snotty advice. For example, "have you thought about the nursery?" with my response being "yep" leads to snotty advice like "well make sure you go with neutral walls or you'll be repainting that room in six years."  Like why is that necessary?!

As a result of these interactions, I'm pretty much no longer posting anything about my pregnancy on social media. I no longer comment or respond to other peoples posts about motherhood (which is honestly just seems to be an endless stream of their complaints where they want NO responses of help, and ONLY want responses of pity). I no longer solicit advice or help to the world of social media -- I have two mom friends who have been nothing but kind and patient and non-superior with my questions so I ask them directly and privately or just go to google.

It's just really sad and disappointing, this "Mom Club." A group that should be welcoming and supportive is instead judgmental, negative, and constantly clamoring for superiority over another. It doesn't encourage me. I have no desire to "break into" the club and become a part of this particular style of club. As a mom you are naturally feisty and protective of your cub. But there is no need for such negativity toward a tender young heart who is entering the world of Motherhood.

I am just grateful for the two Mom friends I have who have not treated me this way. And yes, you read that right: TWO. smdh.

Emotional Exhaustion and it's Fall Out

To say the last two months have been challenging, exhausting, and draining would be an understatement. I have spent the last two months in a whirlwind of chaos, trying to help someone else get their life straight, while also being their support system, their accountability, their parent (at times), and their director of resources.

It was two months of conflicting emotions, stress, and pressure. Pressure on me because this person was in my home because of the relationship I have with them. Pressure of them because they were on a strict deadline on how long they could stay in our home. I was glad I could give this person a chance/some help, but I also simultaneously disliked the invasion of my space. It was very confusing and very overwhelming.

To complete these two months, the last week was just insane. Not only were we doing what we could to help this person but also hold them accountable to their time limits, but my husband and I had also agreed to host a gathering of co-workers (at the co-workers request) the evening that our house-guest moved out. Which meant the last week was doubly stressful -- trying to get one person out while also working frantically around the house to get it prepared for a large gathering of guests.  There was a yard to mow; hedges to trim; TONS of weeds to pull; floors to clean; clutter to clear; fall decor to put out; and preparations to make for potential overnight guests who could be too inebriated to drive.

Somehow, we got it all done though. The house was ready and our house-guest had moved on. I cooked meatballs, made buffalo chicken dip, and Daniel put some chicken on the grill.

And we waited.

Two people showed up. Out of the expected 20-25. And those two brought nothing to contribute (which was fine, but still).

I was emotionally exhausted from the farewell of our house-guest (and honestly from the past two months as well; I never really had the opportunity to process/deal with their arrival or continued presence) and then to be asked to host a gathering where no one shows up where I had busted my butt to prepare for them? Hurt was an understatement.

So after a little bit, I slipped away from the few guests and allowed my husband his "guy time" and retreated to the bedroom. To add to the emotional exhaustion of our house-guests arrival/two month long presence/departure, I could now add the emotional wear/tear of being stood up by so many people after I had worked so hard to accommodate their request for the gathering in the first place.

I just laid in bed for a while with the window open and the cool fall breeze floating in. I have a TV in that room, but I didn't even bother to turn it on. I just laid there in the silence and comfort of my bed in my room alone. I did deep breathing exercises to try to release some of the tension that had been mounting. And I tried to do some emotional exploration with journaling. All I was really able to accomplish was to write down a brief summary of events before my eye lids became too heavy to keep open and I drifted off to sleep.

When I woke up on Saturday, I was still emotionally hungover. I also did some reflection on being stood up the night before and while it still stung, I was able to find gratitude in knowing where I stood with these people and that they did not prioritize me or my husband like we prioritized them (which meant that it was time to shift our priorities); I was able to find gratitude in that my house was SUPER clean and wasn't trashed Saturday morning like it likely would have been if everyone had come over; I was able to find gratitude in that I could release the energy I had in this group of people and invest that energy in other people who would reciprocate the investment. So while I was hurt, I was able to find some positives and some peace and move on.

I subconsciously decided that I wanted to spend my weekend resting and investing in activities that refreshed me. Because after the last few months, I needed it! I wasn't opposed to television, but I really didn't want to spend my weekend watching it.  So in the mornings, I binge watched Blue Bloods on Netflix. But I spent more time this weekend investing in my quilting!!

 I had a few goals this weekend when it came to my quilting:
-Finish Block 1 of the Moonlight Paths QAL (which meant finish making the 96 blocks of four patch)
-Start/Finish Block 2 of the Moonlight Paths QAL (which meant make 100 miniature blocks of flying geese)
-Start/Work on the Missouri Star quick quilt "Alter Ego"
-Work on getting more of the mug rug binding sewn on
-Work on straightening up some of the clutter in my sewing room
-Make sure I have hand work projects to take to work for Monday and Tuesday nights

Just a few goals :-p

Well, setting those goals made a huge difference, because I did every single one of them! I finished all 96 Block 1's. I finished all 100 Block 2's. I am (as of this blog post) 3/4 of the way done with making ALL the blocks for the Alter Ego quilt (I might get the last 25% done in the last few hours before bed). I got 2 more mug rug bindings machine stitched on. I straightened up some of the craft room. And I packed my "Activity Bag" for work Monday/Tuesday with: Crochet Crowd's Summer Crochet Along (which needs the last row and the edging and then it's done!), four mug rugs whose binding needs to be hand sewn, and the needed materials to work on favors for the quilt guilds Day of Sharing. I am extremely pleased with how productive I have been in that sewing room this weekend! Especially since I really didn't even start working in it until Saturday.

Daniel and I also took a little time and went to the local pumpkin patch and experienced that. We fed the animals, shot the apple sling shot, rode the hayride, and picked a lovely warty pumpkin (I really do love the weird looking pumpkins). Daniel was in a mood when we got there, so we limited what we did, but I enjoyed the little bit of time there that we had.

And today I took a little time to visit with some friends in New Bern.  I love my girls there and my community that I still have there. I miss living there every day, but I'm grateful that my friendships continue. I spent some time with Kira and her son Luke, talking everything pregnancy/labor/post-partum/motherhood. Then I met Chrissy for a quick sub and a lovely walk in a nearby park. I always leave that town feeling so full of gratitude, refreshed, and peaceful.

But now I'm in the short last few hours of my weekend off before I head into another long week at work. I love my job, but I have so enjoyed this weekend of rest, relaxation, recovery, and productivity, that it really does make it hard to be excited about going to work tomorrow! LoL.

I just hope that when I get my couple of days off on Wednesday and Thursday that I'll be able to continue the rest/relaxation/productivity that I've been able to accomplish this weekend.

How does anxiety attack?

How does anxiety attack?

It attacks without warning, constantly catching you by surprise, and you're never prepared -- regardless of how long you've struggled with anxiety.

It attacks silently. You're the only one who can feel it. There are no outward symptoms that your loved ones can see so they know it's happening. You're the only one who can hear it -- the chorus of self-doubt, negative self talk, accusations thrown at yourself; they all go round and round until you feel like you are the worst person on the face of the planet and that no one likes you and that everything you do is a mistake and a mess up, that you are nothing but an annoyance.

It attacks relentlessly. The chorus of every attack feels incessant. You struggle to believe that it will ever end. And when it does finally end, you're exhausted. And just about the time that you build yourself back up, it hits again.

It doesn't just destroy you. It affects relationships of those who you are closest to. It takes a very strong person to be able to be with someone who struggles with anxiety. And a lot of people can't handle it. So relationships fall apart because of the constant anxiety, self-doubt, and paralyzing fear.

Anxiety has you questioning every inch of who you are as a person, whether anyone could possibly like you, wondering if people just tolerate you and if they talk crap about you behind your back like they do others. It has you withdrawing from others, retreating to books and television and the bed.

Exhausting.

Prodigal Daughter

In the last three months, I have surrounded myself with busy-ness and buried any sort of emotion that has come up. I pushed away anything and everything that forced me to face my feelings or what had happened. I threw myself into work, home improvement projects, and visiting friends on every available occasion (yet largely refusing to talk about what had happened).  Any time a feeling came up, I forced it into a dark corner and shut the door.

After three months, I was running out of dark corners and doors. A permanent state of exhaustion, weariness, and imbalance had set in. Emotions were less containable. They began to leak out of my eyes and choke me up.

But still I persisted. Determined to push forward with a normal routine and deal with it later.

On one of my friend dates, we went to worship night at her church. The church was one I'd never been to before. It wasn't huge. We walked in and sat down. The room was dark. There wasn't too many people there, so I didn't feel an overwhelming press of "too many people." The music started and it surrounded me, enveloped me, and gave me no chance of ignoring it. It pulsed into my skin and deep into my soul. Promises, love, faith, and hope were sung and I couldn't escape them. I couldn't push God into a dark corner in this dark room. He was everywhere in that room. I had pushed him away for three months without even realizing it. And there he was, even still. I was overwhelmed with his presence, the lyrics, the message. I was the prodigal daughter in that moment. I was forced to face that I'd let my own grief and busy-ness come before God. I had real work to do. Real healing.

That next Monday at work, I asked my boss for a couple of days off. I told her that I was finally ready to spend some time with my feelings and that I needed some time to heal. She gave me the next week off (this week).

Today is Wednesday. Monday and Tuesday I spent basically in bed. Three months of stuffing all those things into dark corners had physically exhausted me. I slept. And when I wasn't sleeping, I just simply rested. I watched TV. I slept. I rested. I cried.

Today.... Today I knew I needed to work on drawing closer to God. I admittedly put off this work, this healing. I knew it was going to be messy and awkward. So I rested some more. Watched some more TV. Went to the grocery store. But after dinner, I knew it was time.

So I picked up my Bible and my notebook and went outside. I just sat there in my glider chair with that beautiful, leather bound book in my lap and had no idea where to start. I opened to where my ribbon had been left during my last study but didn't feel like that was where I was supposed to be. I flipped to 1 Peter and read a few chapters, but that didn't feel like that was where I was supposed to be either. I flipped to find the 10 Commandments, but didn't feel like Exodus was where I needed to be. I closed the book, frustrated.

In just three months, I hadn't just fallen away. I was totally lost.

Not just in reading my Bible.
But in prayer too. Even trying to just close my eyes and pray to God felt awkward and frustrating and wrong.

I knew this would be hard. But I wasn't prepared for all of this.

Baby Registries

Baby Registries. I'm at the stage of life where everyone around me is pregnant, trying to get pregnant, or just finished being pregnant. Baby Registries abound!

Baby Registries serve a purpose. They give direction. Options. Suggestions. Ideas. They direct friends and family members to help prepare for the new one based on what the parents have decided they want or need. In many ways they're indispensable, as baby goods are expensive and soon to be new parents need that help.

But baby registries also create a lot of pressure. To spend spend spend. To a degree they encourage excessiveness. So many items are wanted but un-necessary, but they're so cute. And when you don't have a lot of money to spend spend spend, or when you're not close to the soon-to-be-parents, you dread scrolling through the baby registry. You don't want to seem cheap and only get the pacifiers. But at the same time, you don't want to go broke, again, for another baby whose items you purchase will be long forgotten and sometimes rarely used for the parents who you barely speak to or see except on social media.

So you purchase an item or a group of items. You send them if the parents live far away or if you're unable to make the baby shower. You take the items to the dreaded baby shower if you're able to make it (another reminder that you're in your thirties, not pregnant, and in a world that you truly can't understand yet that makes your social anxiety sky rocket because you're uncomfortable and surrounded by people you don't know but know all about the world of children).

Sometimes you get a thank you note, and that justifies your purchase and social anxiety. But more often than not, you don't receive a thank you note. And that just increases your annoyance with baby registries and baby showers -- it feels greedy and dirty. Cause if you don't gift something, you're looked down upon from the parents eyes and eschewed in future friendship and social situations.

And when people are pregnant, baby shower invitations come out of the woodwork. Oh, you're a classmate who I haven't heard from personally since we were in middle school and are only facebook friends -- but you're pregnant so you track down my address through other family members and suddenly I'm being pressured to attend (ahem, spend money on a gift) a baby shower.

It's ludicrous.

I enjoy giving gifts. I enjoy spoiling people I love and care about. I enjoy strolling through the baby departments and admiring all the precious, tiny things. I just hate the social and financial pressure that comes from the invitations of those who I am not close with.

And while I rant, I'm sure that there will be some people when I'm pregnant who receive an invitation and feel the same way, because they don't perceive our relationship the same way I do.

Such is life.

Now back to scrolling through this baby registry and figuring out how to appropriately spend what money I can to make the biggest impact possible so the parents feel a moment of appropriate excitement from us...

Grief (Originally written 5/16/18)

A week ago today I got the phone call that Dad had had a heart attack and was in cardiac ICU and I dropped everything and drove four hours to be with him. I was with him day in and day out, leaving only twice to get rest in a single bed and shower. After just a few days, he passed away on Saturday afternoon. There was a lot more involved than just this, but I just don't know if I want to share every single detail. I've journaled it. I've talked it through multiple times with different people. I don't know that I want to repeat it all AGAIN right now.

But I can say that Dad passed with dignity, surrounded by people who loved him, and in the way he wanted to go even if it was too soon for him to go. I can also say that he died knowing and accepting God's love. And that is a huge relief.

We put the funeral off until next week. So this week is a weird week. I'm feeling very numb and confused. It's so new it's not real. It's a rush of do this, do that, take care of this, don't forget that. We're tying up all the loose ends. Cleaning out the apartment. Figuring things out. It's a lot.

I took this week off of work. To process. To be able to get things done. To decompress. I went to counseling yesterday. I'm exhausted -- I have no energy between the lack of sleep last week and the grief and stress this week. Folding laundry takes everything I've got, and then I have to take a nap.

I'm so grateful that I have people in my life who care. Who  keep checking on me. Helping me. Letting me talk. Letting me vent. Letting me cry.

I'm so grateful that I got those last few days with my Dad. And that all things considered, he went out on his terms and by his rules. But what I would give for one of his bear hugs....

My heart is broken. It feels like there's a hole. And there is. That hole will never be filled again on this earth. But I have to smile because I know where my Dad is and whose he is and who he's with right now.

I don't understand why. I shake my fists and scream out about how unfair this is. I tremble with the pain of loss. I wonder how to navigate my future -- Dad was always the one I called first about everything. We had plans. Big plans. Trips. Get togethers. Holidays. He'll never meet my children and my children will never meet him.

I have waves of  intense emotion and waves of feeling like life is completely normal. And the normal waves make me feel guilty.

Grief is a back and forth experience.

Keto: Week 1

Random Musings

Mountains and Valleys. Such is life. Highs and Lows. Peaks and Depths. Peaks and depths. peaks and depths.

Good weeks come, then they fade into bad ones. Good weeks are filled with self-belief, self-confidence, focus, motivation, inspiration, hope, promise. Bad ones are filled with self-doubt, self-blame, self-hate, anxiety, depression, frustration, tears, angst, feeling trapped, feeling un-liked and less than.

The pendulum swings one way, it's inevitable for it to swing back the other way.

I don't like the swings. I don't like the negativity, the feelings of failure. But when you feel surrounded by them, it's hard to swim out of that current. It's a riptide. Pulling you in and cycling you around and around and around.

My constant is creativity. Expression. Outlet. Directed energy focus.
I enjoy quilting. I need to do more of it.
Except I'm at a creative block on how to quilt the borders.
And it's getting late.
So while I need to create, I shouldn't start. Because I'll be up all night. And I need sleep for work in the morning.

Sometimes I think I'd like to learn how to paint. But do I really need another hobby? Not really. I've got enough to keep me interested between quilting/sewing, hiking, and running.

Climb Every Mountain

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of going to see a touring broadway production of the Sound of Music. Sound of Music is one of my all time favorite movies/musicals. They just don't make movies or screen plays like that anymore! And while I know the story like the back of my hand, and most of the music just as well., there was a scene that struck me anew and brought tears to my eyes.



Maria has run back to the abbey after she realizes that she and the Captain are in love. Love and being loved scared her. While in counsel with the Abbey Mother, she tells Maria "These walls were not built to shut out problems. You have to face them. You have to live the life you were born to live." And then she continues to encourage Maria in song. And while I'd heard this song hundreds of time, I didn't really understand what she was saying: "Climb every mountain, ford every stream, follow every rainbow, until you find your dream."







And at this point in the play, I'm in tears. Because for as long as we live, we need to climb every mountain, ford every stream, follow every rainbow until we find our dreams. We need to face every obstacle. We need to lean in and do the work. Push back against the obstacles and the currents, staying true to who we are and what our dreams/callings are.



In moments like this, where I am overcome with emotion and encouragement and inspiration, I can't help but ask myself if I am doing these things. Am I pushing? Am I climbing? Am I fording? Am I following the rainbows? Am I working toward my goals and dreams?







In the same token, I take an inventory of how I'm spending my time. Everyone around me always comments "I don't know how you stay so busy all the time." or "You're always off doing something different and interesting." I get a bit of pride at these comments, because it reminds me that I'm not just living a life that this world expects me live. I'm living my own life and coloring it the way I like it. But I always wonder if I'm doing too much. Interested in too much. Is there something I need to minimize?



But I do have a wide interest range. I love my sewing/quilting. I love the challenge I have of training for a half marathon. I love that I'm getting back into hiking and spending more time in God's natural creation. I love that I'm planning for two big trips out West to visit a ton of National Parks. I love that I don't care that much about being a Miss Priss. I love that I want to cultivate a greener thumb. I love that I love theater and art. And I love that I keep chasing these things; climbing their mountains and following their rainbows. These are a few of my favorite things ;)

I can't help but be so grateful that I've cultivated a life filled with things I appreciate, enjoy, and that fulfill me.



And if you're a theater junkie like me and/or love the Sound of Music, enjoy this soundtrack from 1959 :)

Quick (And Very Belated) Update

I shared in December that my sister, nephew, and her dog were staying with Daniel and I. What I haven't shared is that about a month and a half ago, they all moved out. The move was completely unexpected for us, and due to it's lack of warning, hit us like a ton of bricks. We felt sucker-punched, taken advantage of, disappointed, frustrated, and heart broken. We had hoped and prayed so much that her being with us would be the catalyst for positive change in her life. But, as we all know, change is very difficult and very scary. And it always seems easier to go back to what one knew. And that is what she chose to do.

We are still extremely hurt, frustrated, heart-broken, and worried -- even 6 weeks later.

But I have to keep reminding myself: her life is not my life to live. So I have let it go. And I keep letting it go every time these feelings come back.

If you are of the praying kind, I would like to ask that you continue to keep us in your prayers. For reasons I've shared and for the reasons I can't share because it isn't my story to tell.

Words of Power

Every once in a while, someone in my life says something unknowingly powerful to me. It might be a passing thought. It might be a line to a song they've had stuck in their head. It might be a comment - one mostly said out loud but direct to themselves or an observation made for the universe to hear.

Last week, I was helping a co-worker draft a short essay and she asked me to look it over. I asked for some permission to go ahead and insert some creative changes. She said that was fine. So I made the changes and sent it back to her. And she made one of those unwittingly powerful comments to me: "You really should have been a writer."

It lit up a bulb in my soul, hearing that. I've always written. I've had journals. I've written poetry (I was actually pretty good in high school). I've blogged on and off for the last ten years. But nothing serious. Nothing big picture/long term focused. I've just written when the spirit caught my heart.

But even so, I've always wanted to and dreamed of writing a book. But my problem is my focus. Even writing blogs I find extremely challenging to maintain a focus, a story line. I can't even imagine the focus that would be required for me to write a book!

Despite the focus issue, I have thought about it. I've wondered what it would be about. My instant thoughts lean toward a mix up of a memoir and a self-help book. I've been through a lot in life. I could write a lot about that and maybe make a difference in someones life who might also be going through some of those things... I've considered a book of fiction, but I don't have clear characters or story lines... I've considered poetry but I haven't written decent poetry since my junior year of college (nearly 10 years now!).

(Damn I just got a chin pimple.... ughhhhhh... It's one of the deep/painful ones too.... ughhhh...)

Since I don't know where to begin, I don't. But hearing my co-worker say those words meant so much to me. So I'll continue dabbling in my writing mediums until inspiration and focus hits...

Meet People Where They Are

I don't consider myself to be a sage woman. I believe I'm too young to be wise. But I do believe that I am different than most people my age.

You see, I am what I consider an observer. I watch people very closely. I notice trends and behaviors and attitudes and beliefs -- even when they aren't spoken.

I have been asked so many times how it is that I can be so patient and accepting of people who are hard to deal with. Who may be immature. Or extremely self-centered. Or demanding. Or rude. Or anything, really.

My husband has asked me this so many times. My coworkers have asked. My friends have asked. And the answer is simple: I meet that person where they are.

We are all on different journeys in this life. Different experiences. Different failures. Different insecurities. Different struggles. And if someone is behaving a certain way, there is a reason for it. Someone who is selfish and only makes endless demands of you may be in the middle of misery, a mental health issue, or is struggling to accept how their life turned out. Someone who is "too slow" is overwhelmed and dealing with a lot in their personal life.

It's not about making excuses for the other person. It's about understanding them. It's about looking deeper than the surface, caring about what the history/background is. You can't demand someone change for you. You can't expect something from someone that isn't true to who they are.  You have to dig and determine where they are and meet them there. Accept that that is where they are. Respect it. Accept them for who they are, where they are. This is a way of loving people

Jesus called us to love our neighbor, and this is how we do that. We meet them where they are. We leave out the judgment. We don't have to like everyone we meet. We don't have to be a doormat for everyone. Boundaries are okay. Boundaries don't negate another persons worth. You can still meet and accept people for who they are at a distance.

I'm going to use a personal example. I have a family member who is extremely demanding of me. The relationship I have with this person seems to be dependent upon how much I give them or how much they receive. For a long time, I sought this persons acceptance, approval, love, and relationship -- and they only way they gave an inkling of what I longed for from them was if and when I gave them what they wanted: money, material things, for me to take care of them so they didn't have to take care of themselves. For several years, I gave and gave and gave. I took their insults, accepted the numerous times they blamed me for the state of our relationship, ignored their back handed compliments, bent over backwards for their schedule, gave them what they expressed they wanted (money to spend time with another family member) (money) (housing). I was a walking doormat whose emotional state continued to spiral as their negativity and demands increased.

It would have been easy to call this person a leech. Selfish. Using me for their own gain. But instead, I accepted this person for who they were: deeply deeply hurt. This persons life didn't turn out the way they wanted it to. And instead of accepting responsibility and working to change their status, they chose to point fingers, blame, and be consumed with bitterness. I have come to a point where I'm no longer a doormat for them, and have established boundaries with them, but I love them still. I answer the phone if they call. I continue to pray for them. I would love to spend time with them. But I've also recognized that this person doesn't see me as anything more than another person to blame, point fingers to, and ask for money from. And I've made peace with that. I let go of my judgment and bitterness towards them.

I have coworkers who drive most people nuts. They're "too slow" or "don't know what they're doing." But I see them in a different lens. They have an extremely demanding, rocky, and unsteady personal life. They've had heart break after heart break. They can't emotionally get ahead. Accept them for who they are, where they are.

It's easy to jump to judgment. I fail often at not judging. But I always come circling back to meeting people where they are. And my life is more balanced when I do.

Whirlwind.

What a week. My sister and her son returned to the house after nearly two weeks of unexplained absence. Along with her came my dad who arrived for a four day visit to celebrate a belated Christmas (it's become our family tradition to celebrate in January to decrease stress and time constraint issues). And what a wild week...

We'd had two weeks with the house to ourselves -- just enough time for us to get used to having the house to ourselves again, to get used to a quiet house, to enjoy walking around in our underwear. And now we are back to the  "new normal," a house with an extra person, an extra dog, and a toddler. And on top of that, Dad's arrival meant four very busy days. Christmas presents. Titanic Replica Meal (yes; 9 courses with 9 different bottles of wine). Family game night with Minute to Win It games with a finger food buffet. And then a BBQ shmorgeshborad. Not to mention that during all this, we were working together to help my sister figure life out and get paperwork together for the local community college, care.com, and for government assistance. I am completely exhausted!

So while I was sad to see my Dad go, as I enjoy spoiling him and giving him plenty of rest and relaxation from his very hard life, I am glad to be back to a somewhat normal routine. I'm ready to get back into the gym tonight for the first time in a week (even though it's going to suck). I'm ready to get back to my normal eating routines. And to my normal sleeping routines.

I continue to pray over all the situations... And would ask that if you are of the praying sort that you would do the same. I would be ever so grateful.