A week ago today I got the phone call that Dad had had a heart attack and was in cardiac ICU and I dropped everything and drove four hours to be with him. I was with him day in and day out, leaving only twice to get rest in a single bed and shower. After just a few days, he passed away on Saturday afternoon. There was a lot more involved than just this, but I just don't know if I want to share every single detail. I've journaled it. I've talked it through multiple times with different people. I don't know that I want to repeat it all AGAIN right now.
But I can say that Dad passed with dignity, surrounded by people who loved him, and in the way he wanted to go even if it was too soon for him to go. I can also say that he died knowing and accepting God's love. And that is a huge relief.
We put the funeral off until next week. So this week is a weird week. I'm feeling very numb and confused. It's so new it's not real. It's a rush of do this, do that, take care of this, don't forget that. We're tying up all the loose ends. Cleaning out the apartment. Figuring things out. It's a lot.
I took this week off of work. To process. To be able to get things done. To decompress. I went to counseling yesterday. I'm exhausted -- I have no energy between the lack of sleep last week and the grief and stress this week. Folding laundry takes everything I've got, and then I have to take a nap.
I'm so grateful that I have people in my life who care. Who keep checking on me. Helping me. Letting me talk. Letting me vent. Letting me cry.
I'm so grateful that I got those last few days with my Dad. And that all things considered, he went out on his terms and by his rules. But what I would give for one of his bear hugs....
My heart is broken. It feels like there's a hole. And there is. That hole will never be filled again on this earth. But I have to smile because I know where my Dad is and whose he is and who he's with right now.
I don't understand why. I shake my fists and scream out about how unfair this is. I tremble with the pain of loss. I wonder how to navigate my future -- Dad was always the one I called first about everything. We had plans. Big plans. Trips. Get togethers. Holidays. He'll never meet my children and my children will never meet him.
I have waves of intense emotion and waves of feeling like life is completely normal. And the normal waves make me feel guilty.
Grief is a back and forth experience.
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