There is nothing like a mid-night thunderstorm to make my creative juices flow. A thunderstorm is my creative aphrodisiac... I am literally sitting in my living room at midnight, all the lights in the house turned off, all the blinds open, and I am just enjoying the sound of the rain falling, the thunder rolling in the distance, and the sporadic flashes of lightning. It's the perfect time for me to reflect!
This has been such a weird week for me. My two month long fitness challenge ended on Saturday. I lost 8 pounds and 21.3 inches. Woo!! But it did more than that for me. It brought me out of a pretty dark depression (I'm pretty sure I've talked about this already). It got me moving. It got me eating right. It got me hydrated. It broke bad habits and bad relationships (with food and exercise and stress and boredom). It brought me out of a serious worth/value crisis. It gave me confidence and faith in myself.
When the challenge ended, I had every intention to just keep on trucking. But somehow, these last four days have been so... WEIRD! Although nothing has actually changed to affect my schedule, I feel like I have been busier. I feel like there is suddenly less time for me to get in my cooking and my workouts. I have been more lax about my diet, and have "enjoyed" some foods I hadn't had in a while: fried chicken, chips/dip, and ice cream.
I say "enjoyed" with quotation marks because although these foods are tasty going down, they do not sit well with me anymore!! I have spent more time in the bathroom these last four days... Shew-ee! It just affirms the work that was done in those two months and the progress that has been made. The last four days were "fun" (sort of... in the sense that it didn't "matter," except they weren't fun because of the consequences), but I'm ready to feel good again. I know I've gained some inches between bloating and improper hydration, so I'm ready for that to go down too!
I've been using a hashtag on my instagram posts, #fitforvegas. But this week particularly I've begun to realize that I need to think bigger picture than just that! This is the last year of my 20's! In December I will turn 30. I don't want it to be a case of "it's all downhill." I want it to be a case of "I finally have my life together."
My 20's have been great years. Years of experimentation. Exploration. Fun. But they have been fraught with a lack of discipline, a lack of self respect, a lack of self love. My successes in my 20s were basic successes. Such as landing a full time job with benefits. Yes, getting married and buying a home were big deals. But success is defined as more than those life events.
I want to be successful in my health. I want to be successful in my relationships - deep friendships. I want to be successful in my mental health. I want to be successful in my charity and outreach and volunteering. I want to be successful by being well read and well spoken. I want to be successful in being respected and seen as a good role model.
This little idea of improving my fitness to lose weight and look better is so petty and small minded compared to the big picture of what I want to accomplish now!
I want my life to be fraught with positivity. I want to strive to be better every day and stop settling for existence. So I'll continue my #fitforvegas hashtags. But I want to expand them to include things like #fitfor30 #fitforlife #success #aimingforsuccess or SOMETHING like that. LoL.
Thursday, March 2, 2017
Thursday, February 16, 2017
My first trip to the dressing room in.... 2 years?!
It's been a long time since I felt like I was worth going shopping and finding cute, stylish clothes. A long, long time. The last time I went shopping for clothes was last May, to purchase a few pair of cheap shorts from Walmart for my trip to Vegas. I knew I'd need shorts to wear, and I'd gained so much weight, none of my shorts fit. I didn't even shop for cute tops that trip -- I just stuck to my oversized tshirts for my trip. After all; I wasn't going there trying to impress anyone. I had a husband. I was going to see the sights. And because of the weight gain, I didn't feel good in anything. So why bother with trying to find something cute? That was how I felt last year, the last time I really went clothes shopping. And does buying 3 pair of cheap shorts out of necessity count as going clothes shopping?
If it doesn't, I honestly can't tell you when the last time was that I went clothes shopping. All of the clothes hanging in my closet right now are pretty much 2 or more years old. Which I'm pretty much okay with -- well... I"m okay with it when I don't feel like I need to look "cute". The clothes hanging in my closet are all at the level of "comfort," which pretty much means baggy, oversized, not flattering.
It has been so long since I went clothes shopping that I had literally stopped styling myself. I didn't know how to style myself with what I had. I didn't know what was "in" anymore. My clothes only perpetuated my body image issues, my body dissatisfaction, and an overall feeling of sadness and dreariness. I didn't enjoy getting dressed. I'd walk into my closet, sigh heavily, and stare with boredom at the same shirts and prints that had been hanging there forever. Half of which I didn't really even like anymore, which meant half of my closet I didn't even wear. I had my same three go-to shirts. My same single pair of jeans. My same two pair of shoes. Boring.
Last month I went to a womens conference in a nearby town. I needed that spiritual refreshment. But while there, I was surrounded by women who were so... put together. They had style. Swagger. Polish. And there I was in my same tired pants and my same tired shirts and my lackluster flat hair and basic make up. And it made me feel sad and dreary.
But then it was a rush back to work and regular routine, which is full of rushing from one thing to another with little time to think about what I was wearing. And my clothes fell to the back burner. I wasn't sure if I was ready to face the retail shopping experience. Where there is no rhyme or reason to womens sizing. I wasn't sure if I could handle walking into a store after the last seven weeks of hard work (exercise, hydration, and diet changes) to still wearing my "old" size.
The weeks passed and suddenly I realized that the next womens conference I was attending was this weekend! I wanted to feel put together at this conference. I have finally been doing the work and putting my private life back together. I've finally been taking control of my circumstances and my life. I'm no longer playing the victim. I'm standing up, stepping forward, and moving out of an area of powerlessness, depression, and self-hate. So I felt like it was time for my outward appearance to begin reflecting the work that I've been doing on the inside.
So with a two day old hormonal migraine roaring, I stepped out of my comfort zone and went shopping. I knew three pieces I wanted at minimum -- a plain black shirt that was not baggy but not tight (to match with a few skirts I haven't been able to wear), a pair of white skinny pants, and possibly a pair of jeggings.
My first stop was Cato. I used to work at Cato, and I felt like that was a safe place for me to start. Regardless of what size I'd need, they would have it since they have both misses and plus sized clothing. In addition, it's not a HUGE store which means I wouldn't get terribly overwhelmed (which is what usually happens when I go into a department store -- WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO SHOP?! WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES?!). And because they arrange their clothes by color stories, it would be easy for me to eliminate sections of the store if I didn't care for a particular color scheme.
Despite understanding how the store was organized, I was still nervous when I walked in the door. I knew I'd lost 20 inches overall at this point, but I never really knew what size I was to begin with so I didn't know if that was enough to land me solidly on the Misses side or if I was going to be in the smallest plus size (14/16W). So I started simple -- find the black tshirt. So I pulled a few black tshirts from both sides of the store and headed to the dressing room.
Y'all!!! I can say with confidence that I am out of the plus size in clothing made of cotton (ie clothes that MOVE). :D :D :D This was so surprising to me. I tried on the XL and felt completely comfortable. I tried on the 14/16W and it looked and felt baggy, sloppy, and unflattering. I was so happy that I went back out and tried on a few more tops that were of different styles (including a button up Chambray!). And I was in the XL of all the styles I tried on. Talk about a boost in confidence!!! I walked out of that store with 3 of those tshirts in 3 different colors and am still considering going back for a few more of the pieces I tried on but didn't purchase.
Then I went to a couple other stores, feeling bolstered by my last experience. I went to Walmart where I tried on both an XL pair and a L pair of jeggings. And I can say that both sizes were comfortable. I went with the XL only because I really didn't feel like I was "worthy" yet of owning a L.
I found a pair of white SKINNY jeans. I have NEVER been able to wear or feel comfortable wearing skinny jeans! Now, I did go UP a size in these pants, but I didn't feel bad about that because I used to have to go up two or more sizes in order for my thighs to squeeze in them (and even then they were squeezed in very uncomfortably). But this time I only went up one size and my thighs were not uncomfortable at all. WHAT?!
I also found a couple of shirt dresses that I fell in love with. I also went up a size for these, but I was actually fine with that. I knew that this was not a function of me "failing," but rather a function of the material of the clothing (between my boobs and wide shoulders, shirt dresses have always had to go up one or more sizes to allow enough room for any arm movement).
I had also secretly hoped to find a new pair of jeans (my current pair are pretty much worn out at this point), but my headache was too strong at this point for me to face jeans shopping. That process usually involves me trying on 20 or more pair of pants before finally finding a pair that fits.
I am so so SO happy with how this shopping trip went. I really don't know that I could have handled it if I was still in my "old" size (not because anything's wrong with my old size, but rather because I've been working so hard to turn my life around and get healthy, I needed my hard work to pay off in ways other than just feeling better).
And while this shopping trip was a huge success and a much needed boost to my confidence, it may have also created a small monster -- now all I want to do is go to all the shops I used to love but haven't been to in years and shop shop shop. Yeah -- my budget won't allow for that! But I want to!!!
If it doesn't, I honestly can't tell you when the last time was that I went clothes shopping. All of the clothes hanging in my closet right now are pretty much 2 or more years old. Which I'm pretty much okay with -- well... I"m okay with it when I don't feel like I need to look "cute". The clothes hanging in my closet are all at the level of "comfort," which pretty much means baggy, oversized, not flattering.
It has been so long since I went clothes shopping that I had literally stopped styling myself. I didn't know how to style myself with what I had. I didn't know what was "in" anymore. My clothes only perpetuated my body image issues, my body dissatisfaction, and an overall feeling of sadness and dreariness. I didn't enjoy getting dressed. I'd walk into my closet, sigh heavily, and stare with boredom at the same shirts and prints that had been hanging there forever. Half of which I didn't really even like anymore, which meant half of my closet I didn't even wear. I had my same three go-to shirts. My same single pair of jeans. My same two pair of shoes. Boring.
Last month I went to a womens conference in a nearby town. I needed that spiritual refreshment. But while there, I was surrounded by women who were so... put together. They had style. Swagger. Polish. And there I was in my same tired pants and my same tired shirts and my lackluster flat hair and basic make up. And it made me feel sad and dreary.
But then it was a rush back to work and regular routine, which is full of rushing from one thing to another with little time to think about what I was wearing. And my clothes fell to the back burner. I wasn't sure if I was ready to face the retail shopping experience. Where there is no rhyme or reason to womens sizing. I wasn't sure if I could handle walking into a store after the last seven weeks of hard work (exercise, hydration, and diet changes) to still wearing my "old" size.
The weeks passed and suddenly I realized that the next womens conference I was attending was this weekend! I wanted to feel put together at this conference. I have finally been doing the work and putting my private life back together. I've finally been taking control of my circumstances and my life. I'm no longer playing the victim. I'm standing up, stepping forward, and moving out of an area of powerlessness, depression, and self-hate. So I felt like it was time for my outward appearance to begin reflecting the work that I've been doing on the inside.
So with a two day old hormonal migraine roaring, I stepped out of my comfort zone and went shopping. I knew three pieces I wanted at minimum -- a plain black shirt that was not baggy but not tight (to match with a few skirts I haven't been able to wear), a pair of white skinny pants, and possibly a pair of jeggings.
My first stop was Cato. I used to work at Cato, and I felt like that was a safe place for me to start. Regardless of what size I'd need, they would have it since they have both misses and plus sized clothing. In addition, it's not a HUGE store which means I wouldn't get terribly overwhelmed (which is what usually happens when I go into a department store -- WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO SHOP?! WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES?!). And because they arrange their clothes by color stories, it would be easy for me to eliminate sections of the store if I didn't care for a particular color scheme.
Despite understanding how the store was organized, I was still nervous when I walked in the door. I knew I'd lost 20 inches overall at this point, but I never really knew what size I was to begin with so I didn't know if that was enough to land me solidly on the Misses side or if I was going to be in the smallest plus size (14/16W). So I started simple -- find the black tshirt. So I pulled a few black tshirts from both sides of the store and headed to the dressing room.
Y'all!!! I can say with confidence that I am out of the plus size in clothing made of cotton (ie clothes that MOVE). :D :D :D This was so surprising to me. I tried on the XL and felt completely comfortable. I tried on the 14/16W and it looked and felt baggy, sloppy, and unflattering. I was so happy that I went back out and tried on a few more tops that were of different styles (including a button up Chambray!). And I was in the XL of all the styles I tried on. Talk about a boost in confidence!!! I walked out of that store with 3 of those tshirts in 3 different colors and am still considering going back for a few more of the pieces I tried on but didn't purchase.
Then I went to a couple other stores, feeling bolstered by my last experience. I went to Walmart where I tried on both an XL pair and a L pair of jeggings. And I can say that both sizes were comfortable. I went with the XL only because I really didn't feel like I was "worthy" yet of owning a L.
I found a pair of white SKINNY jeans. I have NEVER been able to wear or feel comfortable wearing skinny jeans! Now, I did go UP a size in these pants, but I didn't feel bad about that because I used to have to go up two or more sizes in order for my thighs to squeeze in them (and even then they were squeezed in very uncomfortably). But this time I only went up one size and my thighs were not uncomfortable at all. WHAT?!
I also found a couple of shirt dresses that I fell in love with. I also went up a size for these, but I was actually fine with that. I knew that this was not a function of me "failing," but rather a function of the material of the clothing (between my boobs and wide shoulders, shirt dresses have always had to go up one or more sizes to allow enough room for any arm movement).
I had also secretly hoped to find a new pair of jeans (my current pair are pretty much worn out at this point), but my headache was too strong at this point for me to face jeans shopping. That process usually involves me trying on 20 or more pair of pants before finally finding a pair that fits.
I am so so SO happy with how this shopping trip went. I really don't know that I could have handled it if I was still in my "old" size (not because anything's wrong with my old size, but rather because I've been working so hard to turn my life around and get healthy, I needed my hard work to pay off in ways other than just feeling better).
And while this shopping trip was a huge success and a much needed boost to my confidence, it may have also created a small monster -- now all I want to do is go to all the shops I used to love but haven't been to in years and shop shop shop. Yeah -- my budget won't allow for that! But I want to!!!
Saturday, February 4, 2017
Week 5 Weigh In Results
Just a quick update :)
Today was Measurement/Weigh In Day. I wasn't really sure where my numbers would fall today since I had a cheat night last night with Pizza and my nutrition hadn't really been on point these last couple of weeks.
But I was very pleased with my numbers:
Weight lost since Jan 1: 5.8lbs
Inches lost since last measurements (Two weeks ago): 5.3
Total Inches lost since Jan 1: 21.3
Woo hoo!! Slow and steady will win the race :)
Today was Measurement/Weigh In Day. I wasn't really sure where my numbers would fall today since I had a cheat night last night with Pizza and my nutrition hadn't really been on point these last couple of weeks.
But I was very pleased with my numbers:
Weight lost since Jan 1: 5.8lbs
Inches lost since last measurements (Two weeks ago): 5.3
Total Inches lost since Jan 1: 21.3
Woo hoo!! Slow and steady will win the race :)
Week 5 Reflections
Lord have mercy where has the time gone?! I am closing in on the end of Week 5 of this training challenge, which means that Month One is in the rear view mirror and we are getting close to the end of this eight week long challenge! So crazy to believe. When I was in the middle of week two and three, I didn't think this was ever going to end. LoL.
I've been slacking on my blog updates for many reasons, mostly lack of time, lack of "big" results, and lack of available technology (my computer has officially died -- UGH!). I'm currently blogging at work, which hopefully won't get me into trouble! But it's 1:36am and right at this moment, I have the available time. :)
So what do I have to share??
I guess I'll share the realizations I've had within the last week....
I'd lost sight of the struggle - physical, mental, emotional. The focus struggle (I'm focused one week, then unfocused the next). The support struggle (people always jumping in and giving their "expertise" when they have no formal education, they just happened to lose a bunch of weight) (people who don't give a flip about you succeeding and find ways to try and sabotage/tempt you).
I started this journey thinking "WOW! If I can lose the amount of weight ever week that I lost in week 1, I'll have this weight off of my body by the end of this challenge!"
LoL. How stupid. How very very stupid.
How does someone who has a four year degree in exercise and sport science actually think these things?
Because I've never been here before. I've worked with people who were already well on their way. And I look back and cringe at how I tried to help those who had just started their journeys. I treated them all with genuine love and care, my heart was in the right place. But as I've said before -- no one gets this journey unless you've done it. #fattofit ain't easy, y'all!
So as the weeks wore on during this challenge, and my weigh ins were consistently disappointing, and my measurements only showing minimal to moderate changes (after week two), I honestly became very disheartened. And I lived in that "Is this even worth it?" mind set for a good while. I continued to train consistently. I continued to do my best (failing often) with nutrition and hydration. But the numbers rarely seemed to reflect the work I was putting in.
Then these popped up on my facebook....
And it struck me. IT HAPPENS. I'm going to have set backs. And I've had lots of them in these five weeks. I've slipped up. I've caved. I've lost focus. I've gotten busy. I've gotten lazy. I've been distracted. BUT I NEVER EVER DECIDED MY HEALTH WASN'T WORTH THE EFFORT. I wondered if the effort would ever pay off, but I never ever discounted that my health was worth this. And I realized I haven't failed. I'm living real life. I'm achieving real change. And real change takes time.
So I've finally come to peace that my transformation picture after 8 weeks will not show me from my heaviest to my pre-weight gain size. It will reflect progress. But I won't be "done." I'll never be "done," because this isn't about a short term change; this is about long term change and maintenance.
To this current relationship I have with food:
That transformation in itself is probably the most precious change I could ever make in my life. I was slowly killing myself with my addiction to food. It truly was my only friend, who made me feel better when I was down, and was comforting when I was hurt. Now, I see food as "ho-hum." A necessity that I enjoy (don't get me wrong!), but that now I question. I question my cravings. I question the nutrition/macros of what I want to eat and what I choose to eat. And that feels really powerful!
So the thought occurred to me that in the near future I would need to go jeans shopping. And I hate jeans shopping. Too many cuts. Too many fabric washes. Too many variations among sizes. The dressing rooms are poorly ventilated. I rarely take anyone with me because I can be at one store for hours trying on every single style/size/wash in search of the perfect pair. I usually end up sweaty, tired, and hangry.
Then the thought crossed my mind that there is a very good possibility that even after all this work and change, I could very well end up the same size as I was before or in a larger size.
Now I know that the "fashion industry" has no standards by which to determine womens sizes. That there is a huge margin of "error" between brands, cuts, and sizes. I know. I know. The number on your pants means nothing. I KNOOOOOOOOW, OKAY?! But even though we can remind ourselves of this over and over again, the fact remains -- that number in your pants affects a girl. And I can't help but be scared -- what will that number do to me? Will it discourage me and send me on a binge? Will it leave me celebrating? Will it make me even more focused? This uncertainty makes me nervous.
And the fact that at this age we are still slaves to these numbers... The ones in our pants... The ones on the scale... It just makes me so sad. That these numbers that either tell only part of the story or none of the story still control and dictate my my emotions is a travesty.
I've been slacking on my blog updates for many reasons, mostly lack of time, lack of "big" results, and lack of available technology (my computer has officially died -- UGH!). I'm currently blogging at work, which hopefully won't get me into trouble! But it's 1:36am and right at this moment, I have the available time. :)
So what do I have to share??
I guess I'll share the realizations I've had within the last week....
I am not going to have the jaw dropping physical transformation in 8 weeks that you see on Instagram all the time.This was a big realization for me. Our world is chock full of success stories and #transformationtuesdays and #fitspo and #progresspics ... My world is definitely full of them. And between the pictures shared (by individuals who have earned their success; the trainers whose clients have reached incredible success over an unknown period of time; etc) and from reality television shows about physical and lifestyle transformations that I can't seem to stop watching -- the list goes on and on and on -- I have truly forgotten the reality of what it takes to change and lose a bunch of weight.
I'd lost sight of the struggle - physical, mental, emotional. The focus struggle (I'm focused one week, then unfocused the next). The support struggle (people always jumping in and giving their "expertise" when they have no formal education, they just happened to lose a bunch of weight) (people who don't give a flip about you succeeding and find ways to try and sabotage/tempt you).
I started this journey thinking "WOW! If I can lose the amount of weight ever week that I lost in week 1, I'll have this weight off of my body by the end of this challenge!"
LoL. How stupid. How very very stupid.
How does someone who has a four year degree in exercise and sport science actually think these things?
Because I've never been here before. I've worked with people who were already well on their way. And I look back and cringe at how I tried to help those who had just started their journeys. I treated them all with genuine love and care, my heart was in the right place. But as I've said before -- no one gets this journey unless you've done it. #fattofit ain't easy, y'all!
So as the weeks wore on during this challenge, and my weigh ins were consistently disappointing, and my measurements only showing minimal to moderate changes (after week two), I honestly became very disheartened. And I lived in that "Is this even worth it?" mind set for a good while. I continued to train consistently. I continued to do my best (failing often) with nutrition and hydration. But the numbers rarely seemed to reflect the work I was putting in.
Then these popped up on my facebook....
And it struck me. IT HAPPENS. I'm going to have set backs. And I've had lots of them in these five weeks. I've slipped up. I've caved. I've lost focus. I've gotten busy. I've gotten lazy. I've been distracted. BUT I NEVER EVER DECIDED MY HEALTH WASN'T WORTH THE EFFORT. I wondered if the effort would ever pay off, but I never ever discounted that my health was worth this. And I realized I haven't failed. I'm living real life. I'm achieving real change. And real change takes time.
So I've finally come to peace that my transformation picture after 8 weeks will not show me from my heaviest to my pre-weight gain size. It will reflect progress. But I won't be "done." I'll never be "done," because this isn't about a short term change; this is about long term change and maintenance.
Food is not as wonderful as I used to think it was.Yes. You read that right. I am finding fewer and fewer things that I'm "dying" to have. When I do have a true craving and fulfill it, I'm usually disappointed. It tastes fake. Heavy. Makes me feel sick. To go from this relationship I had with food:
To this current relationship I have with food:
I am still a slave to numbers that have no standard.I realized this one today... My favorite (and only) pair of jeans are beginning to fray on the inner thighs and the fit is beginning to be a bit looser than I enjoy. They are not really baggy, but I'm constantly pulling my pants up! Which is a good sign usually, except that these jeans are O.L.D. and are probably just stretched out.
So the thought occurred to me that in the near future I would need to go jeans shopping. And I hate jeans shopping. Too many cuts. Too many fabric washes. Too many variations among sizes. The dressing rooms are poorly ventilated. I rarely take anyone with me because I can be at one store for hours trying on every single style/size/wash in search of the perfect pair. I usually end up sweaty, tired, and hangry.
Then the thought crossed my mind that there is a very good possibility that even after all this work and change, I could very well end up the same size as I was before or in a larger size.
Now I know that the "fashion industry" has no standards by which to determine womens sizes. That there is a huge margin of "error" between brands, cuts, and sizes. I know. I know. The number on your pants means nothing. I KNOOOOOOOOW, OKAY?! But even though we can remind ourselves of this over and over again, the fact remains -- that number in your pants affects a girl. And I can't help but be scared -- what will that number do to me? Will it discourage me and send me on a binge? Will it leave me celebrating? Will it make me even more focused? This uncertainty makes me nervous.
And the fact that at this age we are still slaves to these numbers... The ones in our pants... The ones on the scale... It just makes me so sad. That these numbers that either tell only part of the story or none of the story still control and dictate my my emotions is a travesty.
What am I going to do after this eight week long challenge ends??I don't have the answer to this question. But it has begun to float around in my head. This program and this group has been wonderful for me. I like being given a workout calendar that tells me what to do and when to do it. No thought required. So what will I do next? What can I realistically tackle?
Thursday, January 26, 2017
Mid Week 3
So I'm in the middle of week three (I think -- my dates are so confused and mashed up that I'm not totally sure on this) and this week has been hard.
Sunday we went to visit my dad and grandparents for a belated Christmas celebration. It was a 4 hour drive each way. We'd planned on spending Sunday night and Monday night with them. But fate had other plans and we ended up having to cut our trip short and drive back Monday evening for less than joyful reasons (car trouble at home and my grandfather being a crogedy old man). I knew that visiting my family would be enjoyable but I also knew that it would mean I would not be eating right as my family does not eat healthy. It wasn't the worst trip as far as food goes, but it was definitely not on plan. I wasn't hungry much and I got super dehydrated as the water tasted funny and I didn't get any workouts in on Sunday or Monday.
That trip has thrown me completely off my routine and my game.
The first two weeks I felt confident that I could do this.
This week? I can't seem to get re-focused. I missed another workout yesterday for lack of transportation to the gym (Daniel had taken the car without thinking about my time table to run errands; it happens). I couldn't resist bojangles this morning when Daniel wanted a biscuit. My cravings for junk food are stronger than they have been. I just can NOT get back on track.
As a result, my confidence that I can do this is waivering. And I don't like that. I liked feeling like I could finally be successful in losing the weight. I don't want to fail again. I really really don't.
I'm just not sure how to get my health mojo back.
Sunday we went to visit my dad and grandparents for a belated Christmas celebration. It was a 4 hour drive each way. We'd planned on spending Sunday night and Monday night with them. But fate had other plans and we ended up having to cut our trip short and drive back Monday evening for less than joyful reasons (car trouble at home and my grandfather being a crogedy old man). I knew that visiting my family would be enjoyable but I also knew that it would mean I would not be eating right as my family does not eat healthy. It wasn't the worst trip as far as food goes, but it was definitely not on plan. I wasn't hungry much and I got super dehydrated as the water tasted funny and I didn't get any workouts in on Sunday or Monday.
That trip has thrown me completely off my routine and my game.
The first two weeks I felt confident that I could do this.
This week? I can't seem to get re-focused. I missed another workout yesterday for lack of transportation to the gym (Daniel had taken the car without thinking about my time table to run errands; it happens). I couldn't resist bojangles this morning when Daniel wanted a biscuit. My cravings for junk food are stronger than they have been. I just can NOT get back on track.
As a result, my confidence that I can do this is waivering. And I don't like that. I liked feeling like I could finally be successful in losing the weight. I don't want to fail again. I really really don't.
I'm just not sure how to get my health mojo back.
Monday, January 16, 2017
Week Two
Well, I have completed week two of returning to a fat loss lifestyle. I have made major changes to my eating habits. My drinking habits. And my activity habits. I am down four pound and sixteen inches in this time period. I feel stronger. I feel more alert. I feel more focused. I feel kinder, gentler, and nicer. Fewer mood swings. I am less bloated. I am more confident. And it is wonderful.
Week one was a breeze. It was easy to stop eating like crap, to eliminate the sodas and the junk food and the candy and the sugar. Which is crazy because when I was eating it I literally didn't think I could give it up. My coworkers had krispy kreme doughnuts and pimento cheese and sausage balls and fried chicken that first week. And I had no problem saying no. I worked out every day for 20-30mins. I even started getting up at 3am so I could make it to the gym before work (because I found out very quickly that evening workouts are NOT for me).
Week two started strong, but as the week wore on it became more of a struggle. To drink enough water each day (I'd forget to drink water altogether on my days off). To eat at the right times. To get in my workouts on my days off. The weekend came around and Saturday I completely forgot to eat anything until about 10pm where I went to a Mexican restaurant (big no no on a low carb diet!). I was completely off my rhythm those last couple of days. This weekend I had to really re-focus my priorities and goals and get back on track.
I was disappointed on weigh in day today that I hadn't lost any weight, but was pleasantly surprised to find that I'd still lost about 6 inches. Proof that fat loss does not always equate to weight loss and that I can not rely on the number on the scale to indicate success or failure in a certain week or time period.
But even though week two ended up being a struggle, I continue to feel better every day. My keratosis is clearing up. I continue to have more energy. And I can't get over how much more confident I feel after just two weeks. That after just two weeks I can see so many changes in my body. Even my husband is noticing. Just three weeks ago, I was struggling with serious self image issues. I didn't consider myself capable of much of anything in life. And just a few weeks later, I feel so differently.
When I was in college studying exercise, we learned about the strong anti-depressant qualities that exercise and healthy eating has. And as a student it's easy to study something like that -- you're not experiencing depression. But when depression comes, it doesn't just disrupt a small cupboard in your life. It disrupts the entire kitchen. Nothing is where it's supposed to be. Nothing makes sense. It is completely and utterly overwhelming and you don't know how or where to start. So you just stand in the middle of your ransacked kitchen, turning slowly in circles until you just close your eyes to the mess because you can't handle it. That's depression.
And when you're in the middle of that kitchen, locking all your doors because you don't want anyone to come in and see your terrible kitchen, finding a way to sort out the mess feels like a fantasy that can never come true (like me ever owning a Rolls Royce). Just picking up one can and putting it back in order (such as going to the gym today) feels pointless because you have so many other cans that need to be put up and they keep rolling away from you and falling off the shelf after you've put them up.
So you don't pick any cans up. You're paralyzed because you are so overwhelmed. You can't make good choices because there are so many other things that need your attention. And you feel completely incapable of managing it all because of its enormity.
That's how I felt three weeks ago. Two and a half weeks ago I was handed a plan. The plan only attended to exercise and healthy eating (meal plan). But it was a clear cut, "Do This then This" plan. It required little thought on my part. I did not have to decide which can to put in which cupboard. That was done for me. I just had to follow the calendars. And that's exactly what I needed. I needed something that didn't require me to train myself. I just needed to know what to do and when to do it.
Sure, on paper it was JUST for exercise and eating. But as I worked through each day, sticking to the plan and making choices to align with the plan, I found that cans were back on their shelves without me even realizing I'd picked them up. I found that the mess of my kitchen was big, but that it wasn't overwhelming because I knew innately that if I just did one can at a time, they would eventually all be put back into place. I had the confidence to know something that I didn't think I could know.
Now, my kitchen is still very messy. And I have bad days where the remaining cans send me into anxiety attacks and self image crises. But I feel stronger every day to manage the cans and the mess.
This has been about more than just fat loss or weight loss for me. This has been about freeing myself from the shackles of depression and anxiety and worthlessness. This has been about empowering myself, for myself. And sure I love the physical transformation. I really do. But the emotional and mental transformation is priceless to me.
Week one was a breeze. It was easy to stop eating like crap, to eliminate the sodas and the junk food and the candy and the sugar. Which is crazy because when I was eating it I literally didn't think I could give it up. My coworkers had krispy kreme doughnuts and pimento cheese and sausage balls and fried chicken that first week. And I had no problem saying no. I worked out every day for 20-30mins. I even started getting up at 3am so I could make it to the gym before work (because I found out very quickly that evening workouts are NOT for me).
Week two started strong, but as the week wore on it became more of a struggle. To drink enough water each day (I'd forget to drink water altogether on my days off). To eat at the right times. To get in my workouts on my days off. The weekend came around and Saturday I completely forgot to eat anything until about 10pm where I went to a Mexican restaurant (big no no on a low carb diet!). I was completely off my rhythm those last couple of days. This weekend I had to really re-focus my priorities and goals and get back on track.
I was disappointed on weigh in day today that I hadn't lost any weight, but was pleasantly surprised to find that I'd still lost about 6 inches. Proof that fat loss does not always equate to weight loss and that I can not rely on the number on the scale to indicate success or failure in a certain week or time period.
But even though week two ended up being a struggle, I continue to feel better every day. My keratosis is clearing up. I continue to have more energy. And I can't get over how much more confident I feel after just two weeks. That after just two weeks I can see so many changes in my body. Even my husband is noticing. Just three weeks ago, I was struggling with serious self image issues. I didn't consider myself capable of much of anything in life. And just a few weeks later, I feel so differently.
When I was in college studying exercise, we learned about the strong anti-depressant qualities that exercise and healthy eating has. And as a student it's easy to study something like that -- you're not experiencing depression. But when depression comes, it doesn't just disrupt a small cupboard in your life. It disrupts the entire kitchen. Nothing is where it's supposed to be. Nothing makes sense. It is completely and utterly overwhelming and you don't know how or where to start. So you just stand in the middle of your ransacked kitchen, turning slowly in circles until you just close your eyes to the mess because you can't handle it. That's depression.
And when you're in the middle of that kitchen, locking all your doors because you don't want anyone to come in and see your terrible kitchen, finding a way to sort out the mess feels like a fantasy that can never come true (like me ever owning a Rolls Royce). Just picking up one can and putting it back in order (such as going to the gym today) feels pointless because you have so many other cans that need to be put up and they keep rolling away from you and falling off the shelf after you've put them up.
So you don't pick any cans up. You're paralyzed because you are so overwhelmed. You can't make good choices because there are so many other things that need your attention. And you feel completely incapable of managing it all because of its enormity.
That's how I felt three weeks ago. Two and a half weeks ago I was handed a plan. The plan only attended to exercise and healthy eating (meal plan). But it was a clear cut, "Do This then This" plan. It required little thought on my part. I did not have to decide which can to put in which cupboard. That was done for me. I just had to follow the calendars. And that's exactly what I needed. I needed something that didn't require me to train myself. I just needed to know what to do and when to do it.
Sure, on paper it was JUST for exercise and eating. But as I worked through each day, sticking to the plan and making choices to align with the plan, I found that cans were back on their shelves without me even realizing I'd picked them up. I found that the mess of my kitchen was big, but that it wasn't overwhelming because I knew innately that if I just did one can at a time, they would eventually all be put back into place. I had the confidence to know something that I didn't think I could know.
Now, my kitchen is still very messy. And I have bad days where the remaining cans send me into anxiety attacks and self image crises. But I feel stronger every day to manage the cans and the mess.
This has been about more than just fat loss or weight loss for me. This has been about freeing myself from the shackles of depression and anxiety and worthlessness. This has been about empowering myself, for myself. And sure I love the physical transformation. I really do. But the emotional and mental transformation is priceless to me.
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
Lessons Learned
So I decided to participate in a lifestyle makeover. Most posts three days in tout how well things are going, how much better the person feels, how glad they are they've actually committed to the changes this time. And I can honestly say that those things are all true. I'm down 2 pounds already. It all feels good -- to be eating right (my body doesn't feel sluggish or weighted down. I feel alert. yadda yadda yadda) and exercising daily.
But day three... Man have I learned a lot! Today I didn't get up early to workout before my day started. At the end of my workday, I found out that my husband wouldn't be home until 10pm from work so I suddenly didn't feel like cooking and decided to get a simple salad from Chipotle. Except I also ended up walking out with a bag of chips and guacamole.
So learning from my "failures" today...
I need to work out first thing each day. Yes it stinks because I love to sleep in. But after today, I realized that once my day is done, the last thing I want to do is go to the gym and work out. Because it's 8pm and I still haven't worked out. And I'm in my PJ's and really don't want to get dressed and go work out.
I used Daniel's absence as an excuse to go to a restaurant. Yes, I went with every intention of ordering on plan but got easily distracted by an old habit (to always get a bag of chips and guac) and by flippant attitude toward my food (not thinking about it, just doing it, letting my sudden craving dictate my choices). I didn't think about what my spur of the moment choice meant for my nutrition and my goals. Taking that extra moment to really consider what I ordered would have saved my nutrition for the day. This goes back to me needing to work on discipline in my life.
After I purchased those chips and guac, and realized what a poor decision that was (because I did have that moment), I could have chosen NOT to eat that. But the devil angel on my left shoulder reminded me "But you spent your hard earned money on this, you deserve to eat this." Well that's crap. Just because I purchase something in a moment of emotional desire does not mean I have to eat it. Yeah it would have sucked to have wasted that money, but at least my guilt would have been over money and not over spending the money AND ruining my nutrition for the day AND feeling gross afterwards AND having GI distress from eating those chips and guac.
Okay. So I made a bad decision by purchasing the chips and guac. And another bad decision by eating them. I can't take those choices back. I can't change them. All I can do is move on. Move forward. Learn. And move forward. When I posted in my accountability group about my poor choices, suddenly other women started posting that they struggled and failed today also. And that made me feel better. To know that I'm not the only one struggling and I'm not the only one who messed up. None of us are perfect.
So all that being said, I really need to get dressed and get to the gym. So that way I don't have another thing to regret today. Ughhhhhh. Still... So not looking forward to this. -.- I should have gotten up at 3am and worked out with Daniel....
But day three... Man have I learned a lot! Today I didn't get up early to workout before my day started. At the end of my workday, I found out that my husband wouldn't be home until 10pm from work so I suddenly didn't feel like cooking and decided to get a simple salad from Chipotle. Except I also ended up walking out with a bag of chips and guacamole.
So learning from my "failures" today...
Lesson One: Workout Before I Start My Day
I need to work out first thing each day. Yes it stinks because I love to sleep in. But after today, I realized that once my day is done, the last thing I want to do is go to the gym and work out. Because it's 8pm and I still haven't worked out. And I'm in my PJ's and really don't want to get dressed and go work out.
Lesson Two: Think Twice Before Eating
I used Daniel's absence as an excuse to go to a restaurant. Yes, I went with every intention of ordering on plan but got easily distracted by an old habit (to always get a bag of chips and guac) and by flippant attitude toward my food (not thinking about it, just doing it, letting my sudden craving dictate my choices). I didn't think about what my spur of the moment choice meant for my nutrition and my goals. Taking that extra moment to really consider what I ordered would have saved my nutrition for the day. This goes back to me needing to work on discipline in my life.
Lesson Three: My Goals Are More Important Than Any Money Spent
After I purchased those chips and guac, and realized what a poor decision that was (because I did have that moment), I could have chosen NOT to eat that. But the devil angel on my left shoulder reminded me "But you spent your hard earned money on this, you deserve to eat this." Well that's crap. Just because I purchase something in a moment of emotional desire does not mean I have to eat it. Yeah it would have sucked to have wasted that money, but at least my guilt would have been over money and not over spending the money AND ruining my nutrition for the day AND feeling gross afterwards AND having GI distress from eating those chips and guac.
Lesson Four: No One's Perfect
Okay. So I made a bad decision by purchasing the chips and guac. And another bad decision by eating them. I can't take those choices back. I can't change them. All I can do is move on. Move forward. Learn. And move forward. When I posted in my accountability group about my poor choices, suddenly other women started posting that they struggled and failed today also. And that made me feel better. To know that I'm not the only one struggling and I'm not the only one who messed up. None of us are perfect.
So all that being said, I really need to get dressed and get to the gym. So that way I don't have another thing to regret today. Ughhhhhh. Still... So not looking forward to this. -.- I should have gotten up at 3am and worked out with Daniel....
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