Week Two

Well, I have completed week two of returning to a fat loss lifestyle. I have made major changes to my eating habits. My drinking habits. And my activity habits.  I am down four pound and sixteen inches in this time period. I feel stronger. I feel more alert. I feel more focused. I feel kinder, gentler, and nicer. Fewer mood swings. I am less bloated. I am more confident. And it is wonderful.

Week one was a breeze. It was easy to stop eating like crap, to eliminate the sodas and the junk food and the candy and the sugar. Which is crazy because when I was eating it I literally didn't think I could give it up.  My coworkers had krispy kreme doughnuts and pimento cheese and sausage balls and fried chicken that first week. And I had no problem saying no. I worked out every day for 20-30mins. I even started getting up at 3am so I could make it to the gym before work (because I found out very quickly that evening workouts are NOT for me).

Week two started strong, but as the week wore on it became more of a struggle. To drink enough water each day (I'd forget to drink water altogether on my days off). To eat at the right times. To get in my workouts on my days off.  The weekend came around and Saturday I completely forgot to eat anything until about 10pm where I went to a Mexican restaurant (big no no on a low carb diet!).  I was completely off my rhythm those last couple of days. This weekend I had to really re-focus my priorities and goals and get back on track.

I was disappointed on weigh in day today that I hadn't lost any weight, but was pleasantly surprised to find that I'd still lost about 6 inches. Proof that fat loss does not always equate to weight loss and that I can not rely on the number on the scale to indicate success or failure in a certain week or time period.

But even though week two ended up being a struggle, I continue to feel better every day.  My keratosis is clearing up. I continue to have more energy. And I can't get over how much more confident I feel after just two weeks.  That after just two weeks I can see so many changes in my body.  Even my husband is noticing.  Just three weeks ago, I was struggling with serious self image issues. I didn't consider myself capable of much of anything in life. And just a few weeks later, I feel so differently.

When I was in college studying exercise, we learned about the strong anti-depressant qualities that exercise and healthy eating has. And as a student it's easy to study something like that -- you're not experiencing depression.  But when depression comes, it doesn't just disrupt a small cupboard in your life. It disrupts the entire kitchen. Nothing is where it's supposed to be. Nothing makes sense. It is completely and utterly overwhelming and you don't know how or where to start. So you just stand in the middle of your ransacked kitchen, turning slowly in circles until you just close your eyes to the mess because you can't handle it.  That's depression.

And when you're in the middle of that kitchen, locking all your doors because you don't want anyone to come in and see your terrible kitchen, finding a way to sort out the mess feels like a fantasy that can never come true (like me ever owning a Rolls Royce). Just picking up one can and putting it back in order (such as going to the gym today) feels pointless because you have so many other cans that need to be put up and they keep rolling away from you and falling off the shelf after you've put them up.

So you don't pick any cans up. You're paralyzed because you are so overwhelmed. You can't make good choices because there are so many other things that need your attention. And you feel completely incapable of managing it all because of its enormity.

That's how I felt three weeks ago.  Two and a half weeks ago I was handed a plan. The plan only attended to exercise and healthy eating (meal plan). But it was a clear cut, "Do This then This" plan. It required little thought on my part. I did not have to decide which can to put in which cupboard. That was done for me. I just had to follow the calendars. And that's exactly what I needed.  I needed something that didn't require me to train myself. I just needed to know what to do and when to do it.

Sure, on paper it was JUST for exercise and eating. But as I worked through each day, sticking to the plan and making choices to align with the plan, I found that cans were back on their shelves without me even realizing I'd picked them up. I found that the mess of my kitchen was big, but that it wasn't overwhelming because I knew innately that if I just did one can at a time, they would eventually all be put back into place. I had the confidence to know something that I didn't think I could know.

Now, my kitchen is still very messy. And I have bad days where the remaining cans send me into anxiety attacks and self image crises. But I feel stronger every day to manage the cans and the mess.

This has been about more than just fat loss or weight loss for me. This has been about freeing myself from the shackles of depression and anxiety and worthlessness.  This has been about empowering myself, for myself.  And sure I love the physical transformation. I really do. But the emotional and mental transformation is priceless to me.