Week 5 Reflections

Lord have mercy where has the time gone?! I am closing in on the end of Week 5 of this training challenge, which means that Month One is in the rear view mirror and we are getting close to the end of this eight week long challenge! So crazy to believe. When I was in the middle of week two and three, I didn't think this was ever going to end. LoL.

I've been slacking on my blog updates for many reasons, mostly lack of time, lack of "big" results, and lack of available technology (my computer has officially died -- UGH!). I'm currently blogging at work, which hopefully won't get me into trouble! But it's 1:36am and right at this moment, I have the available time. :)

So what do I have to share??
I guess I'll share the realizations I've had within the last week....

I am not going to have the jaw dropping physical transformation in 8 weeks that you see on Instagram all the time.

This was a big realization for me. Our world is chock full of success stories and #transformationtuesdays and #fitspo and #progresspics ... My world is definitely full of them. And between the pictures shared (by individuals who have earned their success; the trainers whose clients have reached incredible success over an unknown period of time; etc) and from reality television shows about physical and lifestyle transformations that I can't seem to stop watching -- the list goes on and on and on -- I have truly forgotten the reality of what it takes to change and lose a bunch of weight.

I'd lost sight of the struggle - physical, mental, emotional. The focus struggle (I'm focused one week, then unfocused the next). The support struggle (people always jumping in and giving their "expertise" when they have no formal education, they just happened to lose a bunch of weight) (people who don't give a flip about you succeeding and find ways to try and sabotage/tempt you).

I started this journey thinking "WOW! If I can lose the amount of weight ever week that I lost in week 1, I'll have this weight off of my body by the end of this challenge!"

LoL. How stupid. How very very stupid.
How does someone who has a four year degree in exercise and sport science actually think these things?
Because I've never been here before. I've worked with people who were already well on their way. And I look back and cringe at how I tried to help those who had just started their journeys. I treated them all with genuine love and care, my heart was in the right place. But as I've said before -- no one gets this journey unless you've done it. #fattofit ain't easy, y'all!

So as the weeks wore on during this challenge, and my weigh ins were consistently disappointing, and my measurements only showing minimal to moderate changes (after week two), I honestly became very disheartened.  And I lived in that "Is this even worth it?" mind set for a good while. I continued to train consistently. I continued to do my best (failing often) with nutrition and hydration. But the numbers rarely seemed to reflect the work I was putting in.

Then these popped up on my facebook....

And it struck me. IT HAPPENS. I'm going to have set backs. And I've had lots of them in these five weeks. I've slipped up. I've caved. I've lost focus. I've gotten busy. I've gotten lazy. I've been distracted. BUT I NEVER EVER DECIDED MY HEALTH WASN'T WORTH THE EFFORT. I wondered if the effort would ever pay off, but I never ever discounted that my health was worth this. And I realized I haven't failed. I'm living real life. I'm achieving real change. And real change takes time.

So I've finally come to peace that my transformation picture after 8 weeks will not show me from my heaviest to my pre-weight gain size. It will reflect progress. But I won't be "done." I'll never be "done," because this isn't about a short term change; this is about long term change and maintenance.

Food is not as wonderful as I used to think it was.

Yes. You read that right. I am finding fewer and fewer things that I'm "dying" to have. When I do have a true craving and fulfill it, I'm usually disappointed. It tastes fake. Heavy. Makes me feel sick. To go from this relationship I had with food:

To this current relationship I have with food:

That transformation in itself is probably the most precious change I could ever make in my life. I was slowly killing myself with my addiction to food. It truly was my only friend, who made me feel better when I was down, and was comforting when I was hurt.  Now, I see food as "ho-hum." A necessity that I enjoy (don't get me wrong!), but that now I question. I question my cravings. I question the nutrition/macros of what I want to eat and what I choose to eat. And that feels really powerful!

I am still a slave to numbers that have no standard.

I realized this one today... My favorite (and only) pair of jeans are beginning to fray on the inner thighs and the fit is beginning to be a bit looser than I enjoy.  They are not really baggy, but I'm constantly pulling my pants up! Which is a good sign usually, except that these jeans are O.L.D. and are probably just stretched out.

So the thought occurred to me that in the near future I would need to go jeans shopping. And I hate jeans shopping. Too many cuts. Too many fabric washes. Too many variations among sizes. The dressing rooms are poorly ventilated. I rarely take anyone with me because I can be at one store for hours trying on every single style/size/wash in search of the perfect pair. I usually end up sweaty, tired, and hangry.

Then the thought crossed my mind that there is a very good possibility that even after all this work and change, I could very well end up the same size as I was before or in a larger size.

Now I know that the "fashion industry" has no standards by which to determine womens sizes. That there is a huge margin of "error" between brands, cuts, and sizes. I know. I know. The number on your pants means nothing. I KNOOOOOOOOW, OKAY?! But even though we can remind ourselves of this over and over again, the fact remains -- that number in your pants affects a girl. And I can't help but be scared -- what will that number do to me? Will it discourage me and send me on a  binge? Will it leave me celebrating? Will it make me even more focused? This uncertainty makes me nervous.

And the fact that at this age we are still slaves to these numbers... The ones in our pants... The ones on the scale... It just makes me so sad. That these numbers that either tell only part of the story or none of the story still control and dictate my my emotions is a travesty.

What am I going to do after this eight week long challenge ends??

I don't have the answer to this question. But it has begun to float around in my head. This program and this group has been wonderful for me. I like being given a workout calendar that tells me what to do and when to do it. No thought required. So what will I do next? What can I realistically tackle?