The Holiday Season: Misery or Joy?

I'm a December baby. So the holiday season is extra exciting for me. We have a holiday centered around food and family (Thanksgiving). Followed by another holiday that is supposed to be centered around joy and hope thanks to the birth of our Savior (if you haven't read my blog, read it here: I'm Christian). There's lights, music, decorations, fireplaces, hot coco, coats and scarves, shopping for the perfect gift, gatherings and celebrations.

I suppose that it's natural that as you get older, the holiday season loses some of its sparkle. You see the holidays through glasses that highlight the realism of the holidays: each gathering requires you to bring some sort of covered dish (one that you have to choose that will please a large group of people and will mesh with what everyone else is bringing, one that you then have to remember to grocery shop for, one that you then need to prepare and display nicely), gifts (which means you are expected to spend money, and a lot of times that comes with a lot of pressure to spend lots of money, and also a lot of times "spending caps" are not established or are not followed, which means that you then have pressure to find the perfect gift for someone that doesn't look "too cheap"), and you have to dress nicely/festively (and lets be honest: this is not the time of year where you are at your thinnest, so all of your clothes suddenly feel too tight and not right for each occasion).

And that is for EACH gathering. If you're anything like me, you already have at least three Christmas parties on the calendar. Three covered dishes. Three gifts (which usually means $25 each -- which means $75 total). Three too-tight outfits.

Add in social anxiety and suddenly these Christmas parties/gatherings of friends is not so fun anymore.

Then you've got the family traditions, gatherings, and expectations.

      I'm not sure what your family is like, but with us, it's mass chaos. On my husbands side, there is a gathering with all of the children/grandchildren on his paternal grandmothers side (read: covered dish, gifts for grandma - $25 minimum, and another too-tight outfit), a gathering with all the children/grandchildren on his maternal grandfathers side (read: gifts for grandparents -$25 minimum per person, another too tight outfit), a gathering with his parents (read: gifts for the parents $25 minimum per parent, gifts for my brother in law - $25, gifts for the niece - $25).
      On my side, there is a gathering at my house with my sister/future brother in law/nephew, and divorced parents (which is always a lot of super fun awkwardness/tension). We have 1 spare bed. Which means someone sleeps on an air mattress in the craft room and someone sleeps on the couch. That's 6 adults, 1 child, and 2 dogs in a 1400 square foot house for a week. It's a lot for two people (my husband and I) who like our space, our quiet, our privacy, and prefer to stay away from the drama. This gathering also means that we house them, provide food for them (very large grocery bill), entertain them (praying that minute to win it games will be a hit this year), anticipate and provide for their needs, oh and gifts for everyone (and even at a measly $25 per person.... That's $125 minimum). Then another drive to my grandparents for a day visit with them ($50 for their gifts because they like gift cards).

Then you've got your long-time-friend gift exchanges. With those friends who you love and treasure and have kept up with for years. I've got 4 of them. Another $100.

Oh and the decorating? Try having a husband who hates pulling out the Christmas decorations, complains almost the entire time, and doesn't really help. See how fun and joyful that becomes...



So you can see how easy it is for me to get overwhelmed with the pressure of expectations during the holiday season... And maybe you can see how hard it can be for me to maintain the Christmas spirit and joy during the season.

At the moment of authoring this blog post, I'm more in misery over the season than I am in joy.

But as I talk myself off the ledge of misery, I remember that I've told everyone that I'm cutting back this year. Gifts will be fewer, smaller, but still thoughtful. Gifts will be mostly handmade. I'm choosing to provide paper products or veggie trays instead of elaborate finger foods (that I really do enjoy making, just not during the holiday season). And I've bought new pants that fit no matter what state of bloat I'm in, and I've got loose/flowy/comfy shirts to wear with them.

I've done all that I can to avoid the misery of the season... It is what it is and I just have to grit my teeth and survive.

expecting the gold treatment without giving the gold treatment

Do you ever go through periods in your life where you feel different, more distant -- from people you've been around for years, in situations that are no stranger to you, you have higher social anxiety and are just generally more awkward and uncomfortable?

I'm in one of those periods right now. I can't exactly explain it, but I just feel so awkward and uncomfortable. At work, around people I've worked with for two years now, I fall into social anxieties and fears of judgments. I suddenly don't know what to say or how to interact with people.

I kind of feel like I'm floating - from one obligation to the other. Going through the motions. Distant. Disconnected. And extremely emotional. No, I'm not pregnant. I'm doing all this reflection, reminiscing, wishing I'd done things differently in the last 10 years and taken better care of myself. I get sucked into cycles of worst case fears, what-ifs, questioning whether I'm living up to my potential, wondering if I'm a fool for some of the decisions I've made.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. And while I have developed some thicker skin, there are still too many times when that skin is thin. And the hurt is deep.

I had a wonderful upbringing. I was "brought up right" to respect others, treat others well, accept others, and help others. But I was also brought up to be a people pleaser. Being a people pleaser, a "yes woman", was the only way my mother had a positive relationship with me. Any question, challenge, personal struggle and I was told I was a devil child. And those scars have deep and lasting impacts.

As a result of being a people pleaser, I put way too much stock in what other people think of me. So when I hear that someone doesn't like me, or has complained on me, or thinks I'm lazy, etc -- it's literally soul crushing to me.

And that happened today.
What makes it worse is that although I will take responsibility for being "curt," "to the point," and "all business" to someone, they take that to be rude and then won't take responsibility for their actions.
It is what it is and I know I'm getting into my own head about it. That I really just need to let it go. I promise I'm doing that tonight as I process my emotions and my reactions.

My point is that as humans, we expect others to fit a certain mold. We demand that everyone around us treat us with extreme respect, excessive friendliness, and to honestly just not be authentic. But when someone responds in any way that doesn't fit this mold, they're termed rude, a bitch, cold, uncaring. Few people these days give the benefit of the doubt, give passes ("Maybe they're having a rough week"), or compassion. We claim to live by the golden rule "Treat others as you would have them treat you" but don't self-reflect on how we're treating others (expecting the gold treatment without giving the gold treatment).

This world is too full of offense, self-righteousness, and entitlement. There is not enough humility, compassion, or patience.

And while I work hard to be the change I wish to see - I (and everyone else on this planet) am human and am from time to time allowed to be wary, worn, tired, and to the point. That does not make me rude, uncaring, cold, or a bitch.