About 7-8 years ago, I went through a really really tough time. I went through an extended, 3 month long break up with my first boyfriend (my fault that we broke up, his fault that it took so long to finally end things). During that time, I experienced my first bout of depression, anxiety, and complete loss of self. Everything in my world was suddenly in question -- and I don't just mean my relationship status. I mean my morals, my faith, my identity as a person, my worth, my value -- all of it.
I remember it being the summer where I didn't eat -- I was so sick to my stomach from anxiety the entire summer that the thought of food made me nauseous. Not to mention nothing tasted good. And I had so much nervous energy from the anxiety that I exercised constantly - it was the only way I could find to distract myself from my life, get lost in music, get lost in the pain of exercise, and just forget about everything that was so horrible. I literally went outside and put it out on the pavement. I lost so much weight that summer...
I went from 210lbs at the beginning of that summer to 160lbs at the end of that summer.
It was horrible.
But I also remember that even though that time period was awful, I remember working so hard to find what made me happy. I was desperate to find comfort and peace and even the littlest bit of happiness in the midst of my world falling apart.
That was also the summer that I discovered what some term the "alternative lifestyle": meditation, hot tea, mantras, indoor water features, candles, yoga, and moody artsy music. I wanted to spend as much time outside, away from buildings and people -- I wanted to be surrounded by trees, by nature, by the ocean.
In the same time that I was being torn apart and ripped to shreds by the break up, I was also discovering a whole different and wonderful world full of peace.
I emerged from that break up so strong in myself. I knew what I liked. I knew what I didn't. I didn't stand for negativity or things that did not contribute to my world.
That strength lasted for a while... But not for long enough...
I found myself back in school then in a job that at first I loved and then I hated and somewhere along the way, I once again lost myself. Because I simply got too busy to pay attention. I was too busy trying to study for tests then national boards then for work. I got sucked into negativity. I found myself completely and totally miserable. It affected my marriage, which went south fast. And all of a sudden, I was in that same boat as I was 7-8 years ago: completely lost.
I did not emerge from this round like I did the first -- I was not strong. I was not confident. I was shook. I had spent all of my time surviving and fertilizing other people so that they would grow and bloom that I didn't spend any time fertilizing my own garden. I didn't expend my energy working out. This round of anxiety made me starving - I ate when I was mad, I ate when I was sad, I ate when I was happy. I emerged weighing 230 lbs.
I can say that I am no longer "in the woods" with the negative life situations. I made the changes that needed to be made to remove the root causes. So that part is good...
But now that I'm no longer in "survival mode," I'm finding myself trying to redefine myself again. I find myself wanting to fill my time with quality, worth-while, positive things. I find myself returning to those "alternative lifestyles" of teas and yoga and candles. I have less and less interest in television shows. I find myself wanting water fountains all over my house -- I need one in the bedroom and the living room. I find myself wanting my home to be different - I don't want it to be stuffy. I want it full of comfortably quirky things. I also find myself desiring a healthier relationship with food (But when you've been eating one way for the last three years -- that's not an easy habit to break...). And best of all, I find myself wanting to run again.
During "Round One" those years ago, it was really running that got me through it all. So to have the desire again to run after three years of being told that running was bad for fat loss (so what if it is? If I enjoy it, then OH WELL) and then three years of having no desire or motivation to go on a run (weight gain, depression, no time, being a big old bitch)... That's such a beautiful thing to me. Full circle.
My husband gets frustrated with me these days because I want to change so much in the house. He's such a basic guy -- he doesn't understand the need to have things a certain way, to create the right energy in our home. And I understand why he doesn't get it. Just like he understands my need to change things even if he doesn't actually GET it. But every time that I make one of the changes, my soul feels a little bit more upright.
Even buying a tea kettle made me feel a little bit more sure of myself. Stupid, but true.
I don't know... I feel like sometimes this blog is like a broken record. I come on here and write about the same sad songs -- my weight, depression, blah blah blah. Each post I try to find something positive about the situation. But I'm being one hundred percent honest and authentic in these posts. I'm showing up and I'm writing about what I have before me. And it's the truth that what's before me hasn't changed in quite some time. Remember -- I've been fighting this most recent round for three years.
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