So I'm in the middle of week three (I think -- my dates are so confused and mashed up that I'm not totally sure on this) and this week has been hard.
Sunday we went to visit my dad and grandparents for a belated Christmas celebration. It was a 4 hour drive each way. We'd planned on spending Sunday night and Monday night with them. But fate had other plans and we ended up having to cut our trip short and drive back Monday evening for less than joyful reasons (car trouble at home and my grandfather being a crogedy old man). I knew that visiting my family would be enjoyable but I also knew that it would mean I would not be eating right as my family does not eat healthy. It wasn't the worst trip as far as food goes, but it was definitely not on plan. I wasn't hungry much and I got super dehydrated as the water tasted funny and I didn't get any workouts in on Sunday or Monday.
That trip has thrown me completely off my routine and my game.
The first two weeks I felt confident that I could do this.
This week? I can't seem to get re-focused. I missed another workout yesterday for lack of transportation to the gym (Daniel had taken the car without thinking about my time table to run errands; it happens). I couldn't resist bojangles this morning when Daniel wanted a biscuit. My cravings for junk food are stronger than they have been. I just can NOT get back on track.
As a result, my confidence that I can do this is waivering. And I don't like that. I liked feeling like I could finally be successful in losing the weight. I don't want to fail again. I really really don't.
I'm just not sure how to get my health mojo back.
Thursday, January 26, 2017
Monday, January 16, 2017
Week Two
Well, I have completed week two of returning to a fat loss lifestyle. I have made major changes to my eating habits. My drinking habits. And my activity habits. I am down four pound and sixteen inches in this time period. I feel stronger. I feel more alert. I feel more focused. I feel kinder, gentler, and nicer. Fewer mood swings. I am less bloated. I am more confident. And it is wonderful.
Week one was a breeze. It was easy to stop eating like crap, to eliminate the sodas and the junk food and the candy and the sugar. Which is crazy because when I was eating it I literally didn't think I could give it up. My coworkers had krispy kreme doughnuts and pimento cheese and sausage balls and fried chicken that first week. And I had no problem saying no. I worked out every day for 20-30mins. I even started getting up at 3am so I could make it to the gym before work (because I found out very quickly that evening workouts are NOT for me).
Week two started strong, but as the week wore on it became more of a struggle. To drink enough water each day (I'd forget to drink water altogether on my days off). To eat at the right times. To get in my workouts on my days off. The weekend came around and Saturday I completely forgot to eat anything until about 10pm where I went to a Mexican restaurant (big no no on a low carb diet!). I was completely off my rhythm those last couple of days. This weekend I had to really re-focus my priorities and goals and get back on track.
I was disappointed on weigh in day today that I hadn't lost any weight, but was pleasantly surprised to find that I'd still lost about 6 inches. Proof that fat loss does not always equate to weight loss and that I can not rely on the number on the scale to indicate success or failure in a certain week or time period.
But even though week two ended up being a struggle, I continue to feel better every day. My keratosis is clearing up. I continue to have more energy. And I can't get over how much more confident I feel after just two weeks. That after just two weeks I can see so many changes in my body. Even my husband is noticing. Just three weeks ago, I was struggling with serious self image issues. I didn't consider myself capable of much of anything in life. And just a few weeks later, I feel so differently.
When I was in college studying exercise, we learned about the strong anti-depressant qualities that exercise and healthy eating has. And as a student it's easy to study something like that -- you're not experiencing depression. But when depression comes, it doesn't just disrupt a small cupboard in your life. It disrupts the entire kitchen. Nothing is where it's supposed to be. Nothing makes sense. It is completely and utterly overwhelming and you don't know how or where to start. So you just stand in the middle of your ransacked kitchen, turning slowly in circles until you just close your eyes to the mess because you can't handle it. That's depression.
And when you're in the middle of that kitchen, locking all your doors because you don't want anyone to come in and see your terrible kitchen, finding a way to sort out the mess feels like a fantasy that can never come true (like me ever owning a Rolls Royce). Just picking up one can and putting it back in order (such as going to the gym today) feels pointless because you have so many other cans that need to be put up and they keep rolling away from you and falling off the shelf after you've put them up.
So you don't pick any cans up. You're paralyzed because you are so overwhelmed. You can't make good choices because there are so many other things that need your attention. And you feel completely incapable of managing it all because of its enormity.
That's how I felt three weeks ago. Two and a half weeks ago I was handed a plan. The plan only attended to exercise and healthy eating (meal plan). But it was a clear cut, "Do This then This" plan. It required little thought on my part. I did not have to decide which can to put in which cupboard. That was done for me. I just had to follow the calendars. And that's exactly what I needed. I needed something that didn't require me to train myself. I just needed to know what to do and when to do it.
Sure, on paper it was JUST for exercise and eating. But as I worked through each day, sticking to the plan and making choices to align with the plan, I found that cans were back on their shelves without me even realizing I'd picked them up. I found that the mess of my kitchen was big, but that it wasn't overwhelming because I knew innately that if I just did one can at a time, they would eventually all be put back into place. I had the confidence to know something that I didn't think I could know.
Now, my kitchen is still very messy. And I have bad days where the remaining cans send me into anxiety attacks and self image crises. But I feel stronger every day to manage the cans and the mess.
This has been about more than just fat loss or weight loss for me. This has been about freeing myself from the shackles of depression and anxiety and worthlessness. This has been about empowering myself, for myself. And sure I love the physical transformation. I really do. But the emotional and mental transformation is priceless to me.
Week one was a breeze. It was easy to stop eating like crap, to eliminate the sodas and the junk food and the candy and the sugar. Which is crazy because when I was eating it I literally didn't think I could give it up. My coworkers had krispy kreme doughnuts and pimento cheese and sausage balls and fried chicken that first week. And I had no problem saying no. I worked out every day for 20-30mins. I even started getting up at 3am so I could make it to the gym before work (because I found out very quickly that evening workouts are NOT for me).
Week two started strong, but as the week wore on it became more of a struggle. To drink enough water each day (I'd forget to drink water altogether on my days off). To eat at the right times. To get in my workouts on my days off. The weekend came around and Saturday I completely forgot to eat anything until about 10pm where I went to a Mexican restaurant (big no no on a low carb diet!). I was completely off my rhythm those last couple of days. This weekend I had to really re-focus my priorities and goals and get back on track.
I was disappointed on weigh in day today that I hadn't lost any weight, but was pleasantly surprised to find that I'd still lost about 6 inches. Proof that fat loss does not always equate to weight loss and that I can not rely on the number on the scale to indicate success or failure in a certain week or time period.
But even though week two ended up being a struggle, I continue to feel better every day. My keratosis is clearing up. I continue to have more energy. And I can't get over how much more confident I feel after just two weeks. That after just two weeks I can see so many changes in my body. Even my husband is noticing. Just three weeks ago, I was struggling with serious self image issues. I didn't consider myself capable of much of anything in life. And just a few weeks later, I feel so differently.
When I was in college studying exercise, we learned about the strong anti-depressant qualities that exercise and healthy eating has. And as a student it's easy to study something like that -- you're not experiencing depression. But when depression comes, it doesn't just disrupt a small cupboard in your life. It disrupts the entire kitchen. Nothing is where it's supposed to be. Nothing makes sense. It is completely and utterly overwhelming and you don't know how or where to start. So you just stand in the middle of your ransacked kitchen, turning slowly in circles until you just close your eyes to the mess because you can't handle it. That's depression.
And when you're in the middle of that kitchen, locking all your doors because you don't want anyone to come in and see your terrible kitchen, finding a way to sort out the mess feels like a fantasy that can never come true (like me ever owning a Rolls Royce). Just picking up one can and putting it back in order (such as going to the gym today) feels pointless because you have so many other cans that need to be put up and they keep rolling away from you and falling off the shelf after you've put them up.
So you don't pick any cans up. You're paralyzed because you are so overwhelmed. You can't make good choices because there are so many other things that need your attention. And you feel completely incapable of managing it all because of its enormity.
That's how I felt three weeks ago. Two and a half weeks ago I was handed a plan. The plan only attended to exercise and healthy eating (meal plan). But it was a clear cut, "Do This then This" plan. It required little thought on my part. I did not have to decide which can to put in which cupboard. That was done for me. I just had to follow the calendars. And that's exactly what I needed. I needed something that didn't require me to train myself. I just needed to know what to do and when to do it.
Sure, on paper it was JUST for exercise and eating. But as I worked through each day, sticking to the plan and making choices to align with the plan, I found that cans were back on their shelves without me even realizing I'd picked them up. I found that the mess of my kitchen was big, but that it wasn't overwhelming because I knew innately that if I just did one can at a time, they would eventually all be put back into place. I had the confidence to know something that I didn't think I could know.
Now, my kitchen is still very messy. And I have bad days where the remaining cans send me into anxiety attacks and self image crises. But I feel stronger every day to manage the cans and the mess.
This has been about more than just fat loss or weight loss for me. This has been about freeing myself from the shackles of depression and anxiety and worthlessness. This has been about empowering myself, for myself. And sure I love the physical transformation. I really do. But the emotional and mental transformation is priceless to me.
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
Lessons Learned
So I decided to participate in a lifestyle makeover. Most posts three days in tout how well things are going, how much better the person feels, how glad they are they've actually committed to the changes this time. And I can honestly say that those things are all true. I'm down 2 pounds already. It all feels good -- to be eating right (my body doesn't feel sluggish or weighted down. I feel alert. yadda yadda yadda) and exercising daily.
But day three... Man have I learned a lot! Today I didn't get up early to workout before my day started. At the end of my workday, I found out that my husband wouldn't be home until 10pm from work so I suddenly didn't feel like cooking and decided to get a simple salad from Chipotle. Except I also ended up walking out with a bag of chips and guacamole.
So learning from my "failures" today...
I need to work out first thing each day. Yes it stinks because I love to sleep in. But after today, I realized that once my day is done, the last thing I want to do is go to the gym and work out. Because it's 8pm and I still haven't worked out. And I'm in my PJ's and really don't want to get dressed and go work out.
I used Daniel's absence as an excuse to go to a restaurant. Yes, I went with every intention of ordering on plan but got easily distracted by an old habit (to always get a bag of chips and guac) and by flippant attitude toward my food (not thinking about it, just doing it, letting my sudden craving dictate my choices). I didn't think about what my spur of the moment choice meant for my nutrition and my goals. Taking that extra moment to really consider what I ordered would have saved my nutrition for the day. This goes back to me needing to work on discipline in my life.
After I purchased those chips and guac, and realized what a poor decision that was (because I did have that moment), I could have chosen NOT to eat that. But the devil angel on my left shoulder reminded me "But you spent your hard earned money on this, you deserve to eat this." Well that's crap. Just because I purchase something in a moment of emotional desire does not mean I have to eat it. Yeah it would have sucked to have wasted that money, but at least my guilt would have been over money and not over spending the money AND ruining my nutrition for the day AND feeling gross afterwards AND having GI distress from eating those chips and guac.
Okay. So I made a bad decision by purchasing the chips and guac. And another bad decision by eating them. I can't take those choices back. I can't change them. All I can do is move on. Move forward. Learn. And move forward. When I posted in my accountability group about my poor choices, suddenly other women started posting that they struggled and failed today also. And that made me feel better. To know that I'm not the only one struggling and I'm not the only one who messed up. None of us are perfect.
So all that being said, I really need to get dressed and get to the gym. So that way I don't have another thing to regret today. Ughhhhhh. Still... So not looking forward to this. -.- I should have gotten up at 3am and worked out with Daniel....
But day three... Man have I learned a lot! Today I didn't get up early to workout before my day started. At the end of my workday, I found out that my husband wouldn't be home until 10pm from work so I suddenly didn't feel like cooking and decided to get a simple salad from Chipotle. Except I also ended up walking out with a bag of chips and guacamole.
So learning from my "failures" today...
Lesson One: Workout Before I Start My Day
I need to work out first thing each day. Yes it stinks because I love to sleep in. But after today, I realized that once my day is done, the last thing I want to do is go to the gym and work out. Because it's 8pm and I still haven't worked out. And I'm in my PJ's and really don't want to get dressed and go work out.
Lesson Two: Think Twice Before Eating
I used Daniel's absence as an excuse to go to a restaurant. Yes, I went with every intention of ordering on plan but got easily distracted by an old habit (to always get a bag of chips and guac) and by flippant attitude toward my food (not thinking about it, just doing it, letting my sudden craving dictate my choices). I didn't think about what my spur of the moment choice meant for my nutrition and my goals. Taking that extra moment to really consider what I ordered would have saved my nutrition for the day. This goes back to me needing to work on discipline in my life.
Lesson Three: My Goals Are More Important Than Any Money Spent
After I purchased those chips and guac, and realized what a poor decision that was (because I did have that moment), I could have chosen NOT to eat that. But the devil angel on my left shoulder reminded me "But you spent your hard earned money on this, you deserve to eat this." Well that's crap. Just because I purchase something in a moment of emotional desire does not mean I have to eat it. Yeah it would have sucked to have wasted that money, but at least my guilt would have been over money and not over spending the money AND ruining my nutrition for the day AND feeling gross afterwards AND having GI distress from eating those chips and guac.
Lesson Four: No One's Perfect
Okay. So I made a bad decision by purchasing the chips and guac. And another bad decision by eating them. I can't take those choices back. I can't change them. All I can do is move on. Move forward. Learn. And move forward. When I posted in my accountability group about my poor choices, suddenly other women started posting that they struggled and failed today also. And that made me feel better. To know that I'm not the only one struggling and I'm not the only one who messed up. None of us are perfect.
So all that being said, I really need to get dressed and get to the gym. So that way I don't have another thing to regret today. Ughhhhhh. Still... So not looking forward to this. -.- I should have gotten up at 3am and worked out with Daniel....
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