My first trip to the dressing room in.... 2 years?!

It's been a long time since I felt like I was worth going shopping and finding cute, stylish clothes. A long, long time. The last time I went shopping for clothes was last May, to purchase a few pair of cheap shorts from Walmart for my trip to Vegas. I knew I'd need shorts to wear, and I'd gained so much weight, none of my shorts fit. I didn't even shop for cute tops that trip -- I just stuck to my oversized tshirts for my trip.  After all; I wasn't going there trying to impress anyone. I had a husband. I was going to see the sights. And because of the weight gain, I didn't feel good in anything. So why bother with trying to find something cute? That was how I felt last year, the last time I really went clothes shopping. And does buying 3 pair of cheap shorts out of necessity count as going clothes shopping?

If it doesn't, I honestly can't tell you when the last time was that I went clothes shopping.  All of the clothes hanging in my closet right now are pretty much 2 or more years old. Which I'm pretty much okay with -- well... I"m okay with it when I don't feel like I need to look "cute". The clothes hanging in my closet are all at the level of "comfort," which pretty much means baggy, oversized, not flattering.

It has been so long since I went clothes shopping that I had literally stopped styling myself. I didn't know how to style myself with what I had. I didn't know what was "in" anymore. My clothes only perpetuated my body image issues, my body dissatisfaction, and an overall feeling of sadness and dreariness.  I didn't enjoy getting dressed.  I'd walk into my closet, sigh heavily, and stare with boredom at the same shirts and prints that had been hanging there forever.  Half of which I didn't really even like anymore, which meant half of my closet I didn't even wear.  I had my same three go-to shirts. My same single pair of jeans. My same two pair of shoes. Boring.

Last month I went to a womens conference in a nearby town. I needed that spiritual refreshment. But while there, I was surrounded by women who were so... put together. They had style. Swagger. Polish. And there I was in my same tired pants and my same tired shirts and my lackluster flat hair and basic make up. And it made me feel sad and dreary.

But then it was a rush back to work and regular routine, which is full of rushing from one thing to another with little time to think about what I was wearing. And my clothes fell to the back burner. I wasn't sure if I was ready to face the retail shopping experience. Where there is no rhyme or reason to womens sizing. I wasn't sure if I could handle walking into a store after the last seven weeks of hard work (exercise, hydration, and diet changes) to still wearing my "old" size.

The weeks passed and suddenly I realized that the next womens conference I was attending was this weekend! I wanted to feel put together at this conference. I have finally been doing the work and putting my private life back together. I've finally been taking control of my circumstances and my life. I'm no longer playing the victim. I'm standing up, stepping forward, and moving out of an area of powerlessness, depression, and self-hate. So I felt like it was time for my outward appearance to begin reflecting the work that I've been doing on the inside.

So with a two day old hormonal migraine roaring, I stepped out of my comfort zone and went shopping. I knew three pieces I wanted at minimum -- a plain black shirt that was not baggy but not tight (to match with a few skirts I haven't been able to wear), a pair of white skinny pants, and possibly a pair of jeggings.

My first stop was Cato. I used to work at Cato, and I felt like that was a safe place for me to start. Regardless of what size I'd need, they would have it since they have both misses and plus sized clothing. In addition, it's not a HUGE store which means I wouldn't get terribly overwhelmed (which is what usually happens when I go into a department store -- WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO SHOP?! WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES?!). And because they arrange their clothes by color stories, it would be easy for me to eliminate sections of the store if I didn't care for a particular color scheme.

Despite understanding how the store was organized, I was still nervous when I walked in the door. I knew I'd lost 20 inches overall at this point, but I never really knew what size I was to begin with so I didn't know if that was enough to land me solidly on the Misses side or if I was going to be in the smallest plus size (14/16W). So I started simple -- find the black tshirt. So I pulled a few black tshirts from both sides of the store and headed to the dressing room.

Y'all!!! I can say with confidence that I am out of the plus size in clothing made of cotton (ie clothes that MOVE). :D :D :D This was so surprising to me. I tried on the XL and felt completely comfortable. I tried on the 14/16W and it looked and felt baggy, sloppy, and unflattering. I was so happy that I went back out and tried on a few more tops that were of different styles (including a button up Chambray!). And I was in the XL of all the styles I tried on. Talk about a boost in confidence!!! I walked out of that store with 3 of those tshirts in 3 different colors and am still considering going back for a few more of the pieces I tried on but didn't purchase.

Then I went to a couple other stores, feeling bolstered by my last experience. I went to Walmart where I tried on both an XL pair and a L pair of jeggings. And I can say that both sizes were comfortable. I went with the XL only because I really didn't feel like I was "worthy" yet of owning a L.

I found a pair of white SKINNY jeans. I have NEVER been able to wear or feel comfortable wearing skinny jeans! Now, I did go UP a size in these pants, but I didn't feel bad about that because I used to have to go up two or more sizes in order for my thighs to squeeze in them (and even then they were squeezed in very uncomfortably). But this time I only went up one size and my thighs were not uncomfortable at all. WHAT?!

I also found a couple of shirt dresses that I fell in love with. I also went up a size for these, but I was actually fine with that. I knew that this was not a function of me "failing," but rather a function of the material of the clothing (between my boobs and wide shoulders, shirt dresses have always had to go up one or more sizes to allow enough room for any arm movement).

I had also secretly hoped to find a new pair of jeans (my current pair are pretty much worn out at this point), but my headache was too strong at this point for me to face jeans shopping. That process usually involves me trying on 20 or more pair of pants before finally finding a pair that fits.

I am so so SO happy with how this shopping trip went. I really don't know that I could have handled it if I was still in my "old" size (not because anything's wrong with my old size, but rather because I've been working so hard to turn my life around and get healthy, I needed my hard work to pay off in ways other than just feeling better).

And while this shopping trip was a huge success and a much needed boost to my confidence, it may have also created a small monster -- now all I want to do is go to all the shops I used to love but haven't been to in years and shop shop shop.  Yeah -- my budget won't allow for that! But I want to!!!

Week 5 Weigh In Results

Just a quick update :)

Today was Measurement/Weigh In Day. I wasn't really sure where my numbers would fall today since I had a cheat night last night with Pizza and my nutrition hadn't really been on point these last couple of weeks.

But I was very pleased with my numbers:

Weight lost since Jan 1: 5.8lbs
Inches lost since last measurements (Two weeks ago): 5.3
Total Inches lost since Jan 1: 21.3

Woo hoo!! Slow and steady will win the race :)

Week 5 Reflections

Lord have mercy where has the time gone?! I am closing in on the end of Week 5 of this training challenge, which means that Month One is in the rear view mirror and we are getting close to the end of this eight week long challenge! So crazy to believe. When I was in the middle of week two and three, I didn't think this was ever going to end. LoL.

I've been slacking on my blog updates for many reasons, mostly lack of time, lack of "big" results, and lack of available technology (my computer has officially died -- UGH!). I'm currently blogging at work, which hopefully won't get me into trouble! But it's 1:36am and right at this moment, I have the available time. :)

So what do I have to share??
I guess I'll share the realizations I've had within the last week....

I am not going to have the jaw dropping physical transformation in 8 weeks that you see on Instagram all the time.

This was a big realization for me. Our world is chock full of success stories and #transformationtuesdays and #fitspo and #progresspics ... My world is definitely full of them. And between the pictures shared (by individuals who have earned their success; the trainers whose clients have reached incredible success over an unknown period of time; etc) and from reality television shows about physical and lifestyle transformations that I can't seem to stop watching -- the list goes on and on and on -- I have truly forgotten the reality of what it takes to change and lose a bunch of weight.

I'd lost sight of the struggle - physical, mental, emotional. The focus struggle (I'm focused one week, then unfocused the next). The support struggle (people always jumping in and giving their "expertise" when they have no formal education, they just happened to lose a bunch of weight) (people who don't give a flip about you succeeding and find ways to try and sabotage/tempt you).

I started this journey thinking "WOW! If I can lose the amount of weight ever week that I lost in week 1, I'll have this weight off of my body by the end of this challenge!"

LoL. How stupid. How very very stupid.
How does someone who has a four year degree in exercise and sport science actually think these things?
Because I've never been here before. I've worked with people who were already well on their way. And I look back and cringe at how I tried to help those who had just started their journeys. I treated them all with genuine love and care, my heart was in the right place. But as I've said before -- no one gets this journey unless you've done it. #fattofit ain't easy, y'all!

So as the weeks wore on during this challenge, and my weigh ins were consistently disappointing, and my measurements only showing minimal to moderate changes (after week two), I honestly became very disheartened.  And I lived in that "Is this even worth it?" mind set for a good while. I continued to train consistently. I continued to do my best (failing often) with nutrition and hydration. But the numbers rarely seemed to reflect the work I was putting in.

Then these popped up on my facebook....

And it struck me. IT HAPPENS. I'm going to have set backs. And I've had lots of them in these five weeks. I've slipped up. I've caved. I've lost focus. I've gotten busy. I've gotten lazy. I've been distracted. BUT I NEVER EVER DECIDED MY HEALTH WASN'T WORTH THE EFFORT. I wondered if the effort would ever pay off, but I never ever discounted that my health was worth this. And I realized I haven't failed. I'm living real life. I'm achieving real change. And real change takes time.

So I've finally come to peace that my transformation picture after 8 weeks will not show me from my heaviest to my pre-weight gain size. It will reflect progress. But I won't be "done." I'll never be "done," because this isn't about a short term change; this is about long term change and maintenance.

Food is not as wonderful as I used to think it was.

Yes. You read that right. I am finding fewer and fewer things that I'm "dying" to have. When I do have a true craving and fulfill it, I'm usually disappointed. It tastes fake. Heavy. Makes me feel sick. To go from this relationship I had with food:

To this current relationship I have with food:

That transformation in itself is probably the most precious change I could ever make in my life. I was slowly killing myself with my addiction to food. It truly was my only friend, who made me feel better when I was down, and was comforting when I was hurt.  Now, I see food as "ho-hum." A necessity that I enjoy (don't get me wrong!), but that now I question. I question my cravings. I question the nutrition/macros of what I want to eat and what I choose to eat. And that feels really powerful!

I am still a slave to numbers that have no standard.

I realized this one today... My favorite (and only) pair of jeans are beginning to fray on the inner thighs and the fit is beginning to be a bit looser than I enjoy.  They are not really baggy, but I'm constantly pulling my pants up! Which is a good sign usually, except that these jeans are O.L.D. and are probably just stretched out.

So the thought occurred to me that in the near future I would need to go jeans shopping. And I hate jeans shopping. Too many cuts. Too many fabric washes. Too many variations among sizes. The dressing rooms are poorly ventilated. I rarely take anyone with me because I can be at one store for hours trying on every single style/size/wash in search of the perfect pair. I usually end up sweaty, tired, and hangry.

Then the thought crossed my mind that there is a very good possibility that even after all this work and change, I could very well end up the same size as I was before or in a larger size.

Now I know that the "fashion industry" has no standards by which to determine womens sizes. That there is a huge margin of "error" between brands, cuts, and sizes. I know. I know. The number on your pants means nothing. I KNOOOOOOOOW, OKAY?! But even though we can remind ourselves of this over and over again, the fact remains -- that number in your pants affects a girl. And I can't help but be scared -- what will that number do to me? Will it discourage me and send me on a  binge? Will it leave me celebrating? Will it make me even more focused? This uncertainty makes me nervous.

And the fact that at this age we are still slaves to these numbers... The ones in our pants... The ones on the scale... It just makes me so sad. That these numbers that either tell only part of the story or none of the story still control and dictate my my emotions is a travesty.

What am I going to do after this eight week long challenge ends??

I don't have the answer to this question. But it has begun to float around in my head. This program and this group has been wonderful for me. I like being given a workout calendar that tells me what to do and when to do it. No thought required. So what will I do next? What can I realistically tackle?