So about two years ago, shortly after we bought our house, we joined a nearby gym. It was a satellite location that they put in a strip mall, but I liked that it was smaller -- I felt less intimidated. I'd gone through a really rough year - getting married was not what I'd expected it to be and I'd fallen into a deep depression - and as a result had gained a bunch of weight. I suddenly found myself a "fat girl," which was really hard to realize considering I used to be the "fit girl" who ran 3 miles 3-5 times a week, taught boot camp classes, enjoyed yoga, and ate very healthy.
But going from fit to fat shook me to my very core. It changed everything about me - my self confidence, my endurance, my strength, my faith, and even confidence in my education about health and wellness. As a "fat girl" for the second time around (I'd "beat it" once in college thanks to a nasty break up and anxiety driven anorexic behavior patterns), I didn't know where to start.
So my husband said: "Just go. Just start. Just do what you can."
So I did. I went and got on the elliptical. I stuck to that for a while. Then I played around with body weight exercises. I had no real direction. No real plan. I tried the Body Building .com app that made the plans for me, but I didn't like how slow those workouts went. I tried pinterest workouts, but didn't feel like I was balancing the muscle groups properly. Then a co-worker encouraged me to try the only group fitness class they offered at the satellite location -- a 30min high intensity boot camp class.
I showed up having no idea what to expect. But as a former trainer, I knew that there were plenty of modifications that could be given for ANY exercise and that as someone who was severely out of shape, my game plan was to simply do what I could and rest when I needed to.
I didn't know that the class would be outside. It was well into the 90's that day with heavy humidity. I didn't know that we'd run laps around the entire shopping strip - which was humiliating as I could barely run 300 feet at a time. I didn't know that we would be doing bear crawls up/down hills. I didn't know that we'd be doing a workout that required everyone to complete each task before being able to move on to the next task -- and that I was always the one holding the class up, that everyone would be standing around staring at me waiting for me to finish, because I wasn't allowed to "cut short" any reps.
I was surrounded by people who had been doing these workouts for months/years. They were used to it. The trainer offered no modifications and when I created a modification for myself I was singled out and humiliated again - I was told to return to the "full" exercise (to stop modifying), when I stopped for a moment to take a breath I was told that I could rest at the end of the workout (self initiated rest breaks were not allowed). That was the first time in my life that I legitimately thought I was going to pass out. The participants taking the class (that had been doing it for a while) laughed and joked "Oh yeah; I remember my first class." The trainer made continuous comments about why it's so important to make healthy eating choices (directing them at me, the fat girl). At one point I sat on a curb, dizzy with heat and exhaustion and dehydration (I literally couldn't see - portions of my vision had gone black), nearly about to puke, sweat pouring down my face, and I just started to silently cry. And there comes the trainer, squatting down in front of me: "Feeling like that sucks. But this is why you should never let yourself go."
I wanted to quit. Walk out. Crawl under a rock and die. But the humiliation was so extreme I felt like that wasn't an option.
I had stepped out on a limb, desperate for help and direction in my journey towards losing the weight and regaining back everything I had lost. And instead of being treated with kindness and respect -- because lets face it, it takes IMMENSE bravery as a fat girl to sign up for a boot camp class -- I was treated like dirt. I was talked down to. I was made fun of. I was given no mercy or encouragement at all. I was bullied. I was made to feel worthless, unimportant, and like a failure.
As a former trainer, I knew that everything this girl was doing and saying was wrong. But as a fat girl who had lost all of her confidence, what was done and said to me cut me deeply. I left that workout broken. I left that workout believing that there was no point in me even trying to be better or get better.
It's been two years. Yet even now there are times when that workout comes back to me vividly. I return to feeling broken, worthless, like a failure, pointless. It renders me to tears every time that workout comes back to me.
Every time I walk into that gym, I still feel like I'm inadequate. That I shouldn't be taking up space and air there. And to this day I'm too scared to try a boot camp class. I'll sign up for a HIIT class. But I won't sign up for a boot camp class.
Since then, I accidentally took a Zumba class by that same trainer at another location. She remembered me. And in the mic, in front of the whole class, she recalled that boot camp class: "Oh, you're the one that cried, aren't you?" I wanted to yell at her -- "Yes. And you're the trainer that doesn't care - who is not good at their job, who doesn't recognize when limits are reached, and who believes that bullying someone is good for them." But I didn't. I was mortified in front of another class for being identified as the crier. So I just nodded and was nothing but miserable during that class too.
I recall this story because I think trainers forget just how influential they are. That it only takes one bad trainer to forever scar a client against trainers/classes/fitness. That one class with experiences like that does NOT inspire a fat girl to be better. In fact, it sets her back. WAY back. I'm still fat two years later. I struggle even more with feelings of inadequacy and failure and worth. The emotional damage that can be done is real.
Trainers should not treat their unfit clients like dirt. It takes more courage as an unfit person to not just go to the gym but to SIGN UP FOR A CLASS than it does a fit person. The unfit person is where you as a trainer have the PERFECT OPPORTUNITY to HELP someone in NEED. The fit people are easy to train -- they can take anything. But it's the unfit people who need you the most, who need your guidance, your encouragement, your appropriate tough love. It's the unfit people who are the toughest because they're there, willing to accept your direction and advice. But that does not give you the right to demean or diminish them. There is a difference between challenging someone/showing someone that they can do more than they think they can and bullying/demeaning them.
I have taken other classes from other trainers and had wonderful experiences. But that one horrible (and first) experience as a fat girl continues to haunt me. It continues to make me second guess and often just not sign up for classes that I know I need. It continues to plague me with feelings of failure and inferiority and unworthiness. It only takes one trainer, one nightmare workout, to do serious damage. I plead to the trainers out there: don't be that one.
