So two weeks ago, I got by a dog while trying to break up a dog fight. The dog that bit me was mine, and bless his sweet heart, he didn't mean to at all. I just happened to step between two fighting dogs at the EXACT moment my dog decided to lunge (again). But it was a real bite, with puncture wounds just above my knee. Not a bad place to get bit since I have plenty of fat there. LoL. So that meant an immediate trip to Urgent Care. Two weeks later and I'm still recovering -- there is still intermittent bleeding. Still bruising. Still some soreness. Still some infection. Still some swelling. Which means that my routine has been completely destroyed since I had to quit my high intensity/high impact workouts. Even walking for any length of time has been a challenge. But I couldn't stand doing NOTHING. So I have taken this opportunity to finally engage in a yoga practice.
And let me just say... It has been quite an experience. I always sturggled with making yoga a part of my routine because of its slow pace. I lost patience (and thus interest) so quickly. But since it was largely my only option for exercise during my recovery, I gave it another go. Starting slow with "beginner flows" on YouTube that lasted only 20 mins. And ever since I've started and done a nightly yoga practice.... I have felt so EMOTIONAL. So CREATIVE. I want to write again. I feel like I have something bubbling up inside me that is screaming to be said -- I just don't know what it is yet.
But it's been a long time since I've felt this sure of who I am. Since I've wanted to explore, adventure, go, do. Once again, I find myself wanting to be outside, moving. I want to connect with this world that I live in -- hike, kayak, etc. I want to go to local festivals. I want to sit on the patio and blog (doing it right now). I know; it doesn't seem like a big deal. But for so long I have felt so disconnected with myself. I've felt disjointed. Not sure of who I am. I've been in this place for a long time -- which has lead to depression and anxiety that has hit me of varying degrees for the last four years.
And yoga is helping to put my pieces back together. I can't expres the amount of joy that brings me...
In high school and college, I considered myself a bit of a hippie -- I loved outdoorsy activities, I wasn't concerned too much with appearances, I loved simple pleasures, I loved to read, I loved to write, I loved multicultural experiences. And somewhere along the way I lost that identity and didn't know what my identity had become. Add in financial stress (being broke broke broke), career confusion (didn't go to PT school, ended up in PTA school, ended up working in a place I didn't love, ended up in a totally different career), getting married, marital problems, and every day life -- it was a recipe for disaster. And a disaster it was.
But in the last two months, I've done a few things differently. A few things for myself.
I started working out regularly and trying to eat better. This has its ups and downs as far as success goes. But it's always surprising to me how much BETTER I feel when I'm eating right and exercising daily. If only the unhealthy stuff didn't taste so darn good!!
I joined a local quilt guild. This was a huge step for me. I did this without knowing anyone in the guild. I was unsure of how I would be recepted or if the guild was friendly or not. But to have something that is mine and mine only -- wow. And to have met some lovely ladies so far that I hope will become friends -- wow. If I had known it would have made such a big difference, I would have done it a long time ago!
And just recently I started my yoga practice. Which has opened up parts of me that I've ignored for so long. The emotional, creative, expressive side of me. It's reminded me that at my core I am a hippie and that I need to just be that.
I can't say that I'm out of my blues yet. But I can say that I haven't felt this good in YEARS. I'm at peace with my twisted career path. I'm at peace with my unsightly weight gain (nearly 50lbs). I am at peace with my life. And because I have this peace, I can have joy and enjoyment. I'm no longer dreaming and wishing I had a different life. Instead, I'm realizing that my life is awesome, even in its struggles. I'm okay. My life is okay. I'm going to be okay. My life is going to be okay. And that brings tears to my eyes because I actually believe it.
I'm enjoying getting back in touch with my creative/expressive side. It's obviously rusty, but I'm going to enjoy the struggle...
